I think I f*cked up
Hey, not sure if this is the right place for this since I haven't used this site since 2017 but-
Recently, I've managed to get myself into regular therapy and doctor appointments with regard to my mental health. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II with BPD tendencies.
I remember writing here before that I've struggled with major mood swings between extreme depression and hypomania episodes. It has been like that for years. But ever since I got my diagnosis, things have been so calm. I've been talking with my therapist a lot about my relationship conflict and how they escalate (both in the argument and my emotional states), but ever since I've improved my conflict-resolving skills with my partner, I've been okay for some reason?
I guess what I'm trying to say is what if I don't even have bipolar disorder? What if it's just solely related to my relationship and partner? I definitely am starting to realize that I do 'split' with close friends and family. For perhaps a couple weeks I've had no fights with my partner and my mood has been relatively stable (not causing dysfunction with my day-to-day activities), but the moment he did something slightly bad I just spiraled for the whole day. I also experience disproportional emotions about trivial matters, abandonment issues and I definitely have suicidal thoughts and behaviours. I'm just so lost. It feels like there are so many things wrong with me but also none at all (maybe I'm making it all up).
At the same time, however, I can still acknowledge that I have depressive and hypomanic episodes, just not sure if it's biologically or situationally dependent.
This is all something I have to bring up with my psychiatrist, I know. I guess I'm just scared that I've made up an illness or wasted people's resources and time by having a wrong or incomplete diagnosis.
Oh no, this is dangerous ground to walk that I can not advise you through bc I am not qualified but I can warn you that from my own experience in my life and as a witness to others, you are on dangerous ground and the next steps, baby steps, could be made with professional help because isn't it great when we do look back and see that we didn't f**k up? I can tell you that no one else has control over your moods even if it may seem they do. Stress, exhaustion, misguided, poorly influenced, toxic, and abusive relationships, codependent so many things but no one actually has control over the moods of another because you have walk away power and once removed, you mood will stabilize, at least this is my experience. Maybe you have ptsd from a relationship but I have never heard of it causing an actual mood disorder. Would you get back to me if you learn that it is possible because if that is true than I know the cause of mine. And if I know the cause then I know what specifically to tell the Dr. and therapist
Tysm for sharing. Tysm