It’s hard…
Is it just me or being in a relationship jus seem almost impossible? Obviously it’s not! But, honestly, some days I feel like I was jus better off on my own. I could ride my emotions and read my emotions better and if I didn’t wanna talk about them I didn’t have to, I wasn’t pressured to have to make sense of my emotions or feelings or mania right that second. I didn’t have to help someone who has zero idea have an idea when I find myself kind of clueless sometimes too. We have a long past, share children, in therapy, trying this again and now being diagnosed with bipolar disorder I feel like it’s made it that much harder.. on top of the anxiety and depression 😕 I disconnect myself and shut my emotions off so easily for the stupidest reasons and stay mad over the dumbest things sometimes and can go on like this “b••••” rampage for days but in the front of my head think to myself why are you acting like this, what is really going on and why the heck are you even mad anymore.. cluster of emotions. It’s jus made life harder because I am harder on myself because I have tried to make myself more aware of when episodes are happening.. like I feel pressured because I don’t want to take it out on him or my children.. & more often than not I feel like it’s jus me!
Wow, I feel like I could have written this post myself. I recently got out of relationship (not my choice, he ended it) and a big reason why was because with my bipolar disorder I could be angry for days and not able to process my emotions properly and it was awful. It’s so hard for others to understand and he would ask me why, or what I needed or to calm down, and all of that made it worse because I didn’t know why or what I needed or how to calm down. It can be so stressful. I want you to know that you’re not alone and you’re feelings are valid.
I feel this on such a personal level, like you are living the same life I am. I really do feel like running most days. I have so much resentment built up over the dumbest things. My mind never forgives or forgets. I take everything personally, and it's so frustrating for not only me but for my husband as well. Medication helps the outbursts but I still feel the rage building inside.
This is definitely hard. I hired a marriage therapists trained in Bipolar. My wife the gem she is took the time to learn everything about this illness . We have been married 26 years now and I can say when I get out of mania I do a very good job recovering the damage. As I tell my wife just riding the wave.
