Not looking like a smooth road ahead

This bipolar depression is worsening a bit by the day. I expected it this time of year. Can last till beginning of March sometimes. But this is going to be a bad one. The electro convulsive therapy kind. Not being pessimistic. But this kind pops up over the past 6 years since I first had ECT. I feel it in my bone marrow. Like hundreds of ants crawling around. This is the strongly biological kind. I'm using all my coping skills. Even started making my bed daily. Bought a big beautiful red poinsettia flower to brighten my room. Daily use my light therapy lamp. Open in therapy. Meds. Spravato. I'm doing everything in my power. Going back to NAMI tomorrow. I just hope the metal trap over my head won't close. Then you end up in an ER bed with a tube breathing for you. Thankfully I was told if ECT does happen I can continue Spravato. I'm not going to lay down and accept it. I will still work hard. But need to accept the probability of what the upcoming months hold. Electro convulsive therapy is super helpful. But makes me a nervous wreck. The anticipation. Everyone is in the same room separated by a curtain. Not wheeled in one at a time. And anesthesia makese nervous. I can't dwell on that now or my anxiety will go up. And I can't take my anxiety pills while doing them. It's been a couple of years since this scenario played out. Need to avoid the exact circumstances of last time. I think weekly Spravato keeps my thoughts from going fully dark and negative. Here I am thinking of taking the track to apply for the doctorate in clinical psychology degree program but have moments I can't understand myself fully. 16 years of this illness and it's getting worse. I was told at 15 that wouldn't happen. I don't cycle as fast anymore but the episodes are worse. Good thing I have the only psych hospital I like there when I need it. I hate all others in the area. If I opened my own I'd know how to make an amazing one. And for some reason a bit of an immunity has developed with my anxiety pills and sleeping pills. I see my psychiatrist next Wednesday. We have a lot to talk about. Thankfully he used to perform ECTs do he's pro that. And now owns a ketamine clinic so he's pro Spravato. Why is it when the puzzle is piecing together you find wrong parts and it messes it all up? The past few months I've learned despite years of bipolar it can still throw in surprises. But I know it's a disease as physical as heart disease. It has cursed my family. I was hit with and unusually strong genetic bomb. Thankfully my sister's were spared. And Sunday I have to face the only group of people I don't really want to know about it. I wish I could sleep... Thank goodness for these communities.