Regrets During Manic Cycles
Those of us with bipolar 1 disorder have had crazy manic cycles. You don't think of the consequences of your actions, you don't care about anything you just seek that excitement. We've all done things we regret doing. Whether it be a legal thing or illegal thing (sometimes that happens as well with bipolar 1). If you are comfortable sharing:
What is the one thing you regret the most that you have done while in a manic cycle?
Mine is having an affair on my husband who did nothing to deserve it.
@Mamamel I share the same regret. Prior to my diagnosis last year I had 2 affairs and learned it was during times I was definitely manic. I had been with my husband since I was 16 and love him more than anything. The 2 affairs nearly tore us apart but he was so patient and knew something was "wrong" with me and I wasn't seeking relationships outside of relationship just for the fun of it. Well, after my diagnosis I went off the rails and left him, met him someone else and started drinking, lost my career and friends. My husband divorced me. My life turned upside down after my diagnosis and while my biggest regret is betraying my husband, second to that is not accepting the diagnosis and letting it finally destroy everything I had worked so hard for. Life is a complete mess even though I am FINALLY properly treating my BP. The worst is that my ex husband considers me too big a risk to his heart right now. It's a horrible disease.
@camitt721
I am terribly sorry for your loss of your marriage. I agree this is a horrible disease. Like you I refused to accept my diagnosis for years and refused the medication until I just couldnt handle being around myself anymore and I couldnt imagine how anyone could be around me and before I lost everything I had I decided to get treated for BP and I havent felt any better. It almost made me lose everything I had worked so hard for, my family.
@Mamamel I am so happy to finally chat with someone who understands. People just don't understand Bipolar and just because we aren't ALWAYS showing symptoms to the world, doesn't mean we aren't suffering. People, like my family and some friends thought I could control my actions and was just being selfish. It was really hard to deal with. As you know, once diagnosed it's hard to even understand yourself and thoughts any longer. What is real, what is not. Ugh! But, things are improving so I hope that continues.
I hope you are well and that things continue to get better for you. We will make it through this for sure!
Hi. I do not personally have biploar disorder myself although I'd wish to relay a regret I have about my paranoia. If I have learned correctly manic episodes of bipolar disorder also experience in paranoia and delusional thinking correct? Well if that falls into the category of mania.. then I'd like to share.
During this time in my life I was suffering from many paranoid thoughts. Such as people spying on me and following me. Well at the time I also accused my family of working together with these people. I refused to trust anything they said and felt as if they were leading me into a trap. I accused them of being imposters and poisoning my food and drink. I also thought they were going to harm me when i went to bed. I do not wish to share many details because these thoughts and feelings caused me significant distress at the time.I felt so guilty for not trusting them. I just wanted to share that. I'm not sure if this is the right place or if anyone else can relate to my brief antecdote, but thank you for listening. I just wanted to share that with you all. Thank you.
@outcastShadow Hi, there. I am sorry for what you have gone through - it sounds awful and I am sure it was not easy living like that day after day. There is a lot of paranoia that comes along with BiPolar, although I don't know if it is to the extent that you experienced. Enough though that it will destroy relationships and make people question what the heck is going on in your mind. We forget how hurtful it is for the other person to have to deal with our paranoia, mistrust, etc. In our mind it all seems reasonable but to them, it is insulting and hurtful. I feel like we are constantly picking up the pieces and trying to make amends.
Have you gotten a diagnosis for what you go through?
@camitt721
Yes. It's not something I will directly state though. I am afraid of what is attached to the label. I understand the point you are making and I guess we aren't similar. i was trying to draw connections to other people.
In manic mode I get overprotective of others and lose my calm and ballance and focus...and in the process might hurt innocents which later I regret but not repair...such is life...always tormenting us, always contradictions and challanges, never ballance, never peace, such is life, a grey wolf...
@SakoombaKero this has happened to me a lot. I would hurt everyone i loved and couldn't control it, and when i apologised and went to pick up the pieces and try to make everything okay, they'd think it's bullshit and leave. Or I'd leave, because they'd be better off without me, without me hurting them. I live my life mostly alone. And it hurts everyday, a lot. It would just make me hate myself more
@Anonnnnnnnn awww, I feel.for you...