the feeling of everything closing in on me
hello
I have never been specifically diagnosed with BPD, but as I have done more research and talked to people diagnosed with BPD, I am fairly certain that I have either bipolar I or II. I do not even know how to bring this up to my parents because it feels wrong and every time I talk about being depressed it makes me feel guilty. This guilt gets super bad all the time, as I feel like a constant failure and that I will amount to nothing. I feel like all I do is fail people constantly, I feel like a terrible boyfriend, son, and worker. I go into periods of extreme happiness and then out of nowhere it just comes crashing down.
for example, my girlfriend and i are with each other almost every day and whenever she comes over I get a very warm feeling in my heart. However, at the slightest inconvenience, my mood just snaps into an anxiety or depressive episode, and then ppl start barraging me with the, "are you okay?" or the, "why are you mad?". These two statements always just make things worse for me for some reason, but the second of the two always irks me very easily when I am not mad because in my mind it sounds insulting (even though i know it's not). This always kills the mood when people notice I am not in good head space and makes me feel guilty when I realize I killed the mood (honestly idk how to cope with this constant guilt but I cannot keep feeling this way all the time...please give me some sort of advice for this)
this guilt-tripping within myself has been going on for at least 7 years now. I mean for 7 years all I think about is how much I hate myself, guilt, shame, worthlessness, and then of "the thoughts". I really am in need of some sort of cheap advice. My car just got repaired so my wallet hurts. I am fearful of taking meds because I feel like they are going to change me more than I want them to and I do not have the money for a therapist. If there is any other form of therapy besides those two, I am all ears. I am a student at university so I talk with my counselor a lot, but as of recently that's just not enough
please help me. i am hurting so much
-slixy <3
@slixy Hi. Yes there is therapy for depression you can do on your own with just a book and no medication. The book is, “Feeling Good”, by Dr. David Burns. I will put a link below to a TED talk that Dr. Burns gave that will give you a feeling for the book. He has a newer version of that book called “Feeling Great”, and I would NOT recommend you start with that (the new book had confusing structure). The therapy in the book is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it is a well respected method of therapy. Dr. Burns makes the therapy easy to understand and use. You might also want to explore mindfulness meditation as a way to notice and respond to your feelings in an active way urging those times when your mood seems to change when you are around your gf, family, friends, etc.