Bipolar mixed features

TW:

I experienced attempted r**e good thing there is no perpetration involved,the one who did it was my cousin who already passed away. It happened twelve years ago but I still can't forget it and take it off my mind... I also experienced verbal bullying then..

I start seeing a psychiatrist last 2022.. even my parents were very hesitant at first.. I was diagnosed with a mental illness which later progressed in 2023... it affected me so much.. my condition has also depressive episodes that if something triggers it, I will eventually suffer... hypomanic is also the worse but good thing I don't experience psychosis... I usually overthink and overanalyze things, low esteem, something will trigger me will ruin my whole week, I always lacked balance in my life... and when I'm good, I'm really good. And when I'm down I'm really down too.. I did have a hard time to be around by people every minor thing irritates me... I have cognitive dysfunction and psychomotor agitation too... I suicidal thoughts either

Loneliness is one of my triggers including social media and FOMO... I'm alone and lonely all the time.. at my internship.. I saw my friend and her friend group I tried to keep up with them.. but I honestly can't they love to go into random places and eat in a restaurant.. I felt left out to them and they already excluded me... I felt like I'm boring and I have suicidal thoughts... I just wanted to disappear... it seems like people will not understand you.. they will never feel what you feel...

I find it difficult to live everyday.. I don't take care of myself anymore... I felt alone and lonely with no friends at all... My parents will just have this idea that I should just get over it but I just can't...