Hello, I’m new to this :)
Hi,
I have no idea what I’m doing coming on here and venting/asking questions like this but I’m at a point in my life where i want to reach out and try before i lose myself and the best thing in my life. I have a partner (of 3 yrs) and she means the world to me, however often i split and act out in an unacceptable way. I do notice i carry some traits from childhood and some are just defensive mechanisms but it’s not healthy nor fair to her and I can’t keep asking her to wait on me and stay knowing that my tools aren’t working. I’m so in love with her but I want to fix us because I am aware that I am the problem most of the time. Idk it hurts because I know I can fix this issue of mine but I’m scared to reach out and ask for help. I don’t do well with people and I just want friends that maybe could relate or give advice? I’m young and have a lot ahead of me but being aware of what’s wrong is the hardest part because it still is repetitive. Can someone please drop some useful and good advice or tips? I’d greatly appreciate it :).
@humorousCucumber4074
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*hugs*
@humorousCucumber4074
Hey, I relate a lot to your situation and I've gone through something incredibly similar myself.
It sounds like you're in a truly loving, long-term relationship that you want to maintain for a while, but you're afraid your behavior is getting in the way of giving her a healthy relationship or giving her what you feel she deserves--which might be a perfect, flawless partner. You know that you could ultimately put in the work to change your behavior, but taking that leap is daunting and the work you're already putting in doesn't seem like it's helping at all, and you might even be a little averse to being blunt about this.
My last relationship went a lot like yours. We're freshly broken up and we're still talking about where to go from here, but we acknowledged that a lot of strain came from my bipolar behavior, and not just that--a lot of hurt, pain, and confusion also came from me doubting that he actually wanted to stay with me while I was dealing with my own problems, especially when they seemed like they were repeating endlessly and impossible to surmount.
The hardest part of amending your behavior is having a place for it to release. You can say that you want to change it and amend it all you want, but when you're confronted with situations where those behaviors tend to emerge, you have to actively choose to act differently, which takes so much more energy and effort than you think you have in that moment, but that you do have. You might not even realize that you're using your partner's companionship to let some of your struggles out, but you might be--I didn't realize that I was until my relationship was over and I had to confront that while I was struggling and I needed help, I did hurt him in the process.
When we broke up, I was faced with all the problems I caused in our relationship that made him and I hurt in the long run, and there's nothing that I can do about it now but go forward and change myself for the better, and show him that I would really do anything, that I would really change and grow, for him. You're still with your person, and your person is someone who I can only assume wants a future with you. The biggest (and most difficult, but therefore most important) thing that you can do right now is show her that you understand that how your behavior hurts, immobilizes, and causes struggles for you, and that it also causes pain and struggles for her.
I'll bet that she'd be open to having that difficult conversation with you about your relationship, especially if you haven't had a real "sit down and let's hear each other out about this" kinda talk. It's a difficult talk because it includes admitting instability in the relationship, but even just acknowledging that will open the relationship up to betterment and forward movement. Having other people helps, but you can really survive with finding help in a therapist or listener to affirm what you're feeling and give you the words to understand what you want to do and what you can do about this.
You're allowed to suffer from this, and you're allowed to feel bad for treating her badly. You're even stronger for letting yourself admit that, because doing that holds space for both you and your partner.
You're the problem because you have problems, and it's okay to be wrong and be wronged at the same time. This happens so much more often than you might think. I'd be willing to bet that your partner would understand that.
TL;DR: talk to your partner, because you are who she wants if she's stayed this long. She loves you, even if she might struggle with your behavior. Sometimes, all someone needs is to understand and have their care acknowledged. I think that's what you need, too.
