Questions regarding my wife who has bi-polar disorder
Hi, I'm new to this forum. My wife was diagnosed bi-polar in March 2021. It has been a struggle trying to take care of her, our 6 kids, the house, animals and work a full time job. Recently she cheated on me with a coworker and told me she wants a divorce. I'm okay with the divorce, but her cheating hurts. While we were arguing she told me that all i do is act passive aggressive towards her and take "jabs" at her to hurt her and she can't take it. I was floored when she told me that as none of that is true. I have done everything for her but everything i have done she turns it into a negative. While arguing i told her she "delusional" as none of it is true. She can't remember simple conversations. Our 9 y/o daughter got her flowers for her birthday. I handed them to her and made sure i told her they were not from me and that our daughter picked them out. (there's a bigger story with the flowers which is why i specifically mentioned they were NOT from me.) She swears that I never said that. I was floored that something that happened 1 week ago she remembered it not the way it happened. Is being delusional (sorry if that word is insensitive, but i don't know what other word to say) a symptom of bi-polar? I'm just trying to understand what is going on because either i'm going crazy or she is. Nothing she remembers is the way it happened. I need help, please.
@impartialCamp7115, Hi - New here and saw your message...wanted to chime in. I was diagnosed bipolar in my teenage years thanks to my dad also having BP, my parents knew what to look for. But it wasn't until adulthood (close to 30) that I actually started to understand and take ownership of my diagnosis. What struck me in your message is that "Nothing she remembers is the way it happened" and my husband has called that out to me before. The thing is, sometimes after some discussion it can rattle my memory and I'm able to process it at face value, however, on my own - depending on my mental state - sometimes it's almost like my brain filters what is happening within the lens of the illness, and often that is disconnected from reality. A simple example, my husband may say "The laundry is backing up and we need to fold it"....but my brain will hear (and I may say) "Oh, I didn't keep up with the laundry and now you're making a dig at me"....when really, what's happening is my husband is just mentioning hey we need to get on laundry (with no direct accusation towards me, and he's typically saying that as a hey this is happening let's tackle it) but my brain takes it as a jab and an attack on my ability to keep up with household chores. That is my own brain and illness trying to take a comment and applying it as evidence to support whatever toxic/unhealthy thought that's rattling in my head. I say all this to hopefully give you some hope that she may not be doing it on purpose. Sometimes, at least for me, it really truly is like a browser with far too many tabs open in my brain, music playing somewhere that you can't find, and thoughts that aren't yours popping up trying to tell you how awful you are, etc.
I don't know if this was helpful at all but thought I'd share. Keep hope. I pray she'll be able to find the appropriate medical support to help her navigate her diagnosis. And a therapist or someone for her, or both of you, to talk with to navigate the mood swings and learn coping skills.
At the same time, having a diagnosis of BP does not give her a free pass on her actions. Many times I've had to reprocess situations and take ownership for my actions. It's uncomfortable but I do believe it's the key for finding a balance.
Stay strong. You're doing a great job holding down all those responsibilities while trying to support and navigate your wife's mental health. I see you.