Vent: schizo affective/substance abuse/self harm

Hi all,

I'm 26 I have been diagnosed with schizo affective disorder for a long time, and was recently diagnosed with autism. I struggle with self harm and have a large scar on my forearm. I also struggle with substance abuse.

I've gone through episodes of psychosis, but it really doesn't excuse my outbursts or negative behaviors. Trying to pick up the pieces has not been fun, and when I do it usually gets worse.

I used to be much more hard working but at 18 I kind of tailspun, though I've had ups and downs.

I struggle socially. I struggle at work, but work and school are the only places I've been able to be social. It feels like the only place I have had success making friends.

Every conversation I have feels like it ends poorly. I usually end up embarrassing myself, being extremely rude or inappropriate, or just making things awkward. I will send people flurries of texts, decipherable or not, and I will tell them they don't need to respond. They usually don't respond, and no one will even entertain an actual conversation at all anymore. It's hard not to think it's because of me. Luckily, my family and some friends have at least kept lines of communication open.

In my psychosis I've went AWOL or had outbursts at almost every job I've had because I get riddled with anxiety and dread, but I honestly just feel like it's laziness.

I feel like a lot of my mental health struggles are a result of my physical health and substance abuse, but I've been trying to change myself for years and everytime I make progress I relapse and eventually end up in the hospital.

I feel like I waste so much time doing nothing. It has become so hard to even watch TV, read, or do any productive activity because my mind is so focused processing my difficulties that I go through physically and mentally. I usually end up just curled in bed. I feel really behind.

My debt from school and other stuff is becoming too much to handle, holding a conversation is difficult without crippling anxiety, I'm ruining new and old friendships, and if things continue this way there is no way I can take care of myself in the future.

I haven't made 0 progress, but I feel like I made so many mistakes early in my adult life and don't recover well enough from them. I kept getting in worse and worse situations and all of that the time that was wasted. I had plenty of second chances.

It's been very difficult and I miss a lot of my mental health appointments because I'm am traveling for work and don't have insurance.

Does anyone have any advice? I was about to get ssdi or something... they offered it to me after I applied. I have a job and my parents consistently tell me I can work, so I refused it. My job is cool, even though it feels like torture to go everyday and it's not really something I see myself being happy doing a majority of the time. I will spend hours staring at the ceiling just dreading to go back to work and won't take care of myself.

Maybe I am just depressed and tired... Going out in public in short sleeves is hard on top of my struggles to communicate. Everyday is like this. I'm not sure what I am looking for with looking for help, but I really appreciate having a place to vent.