Schizophrenia

I have schizophrenia disorder. I was officially diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago.

I originally got it from when I had relapsed after 9 years of sobriety on meth.

I ended up losing everything I had, kids home, family. I was terrified all the time, and would hurt myself because I hated myself inside for relapsing and falling apart. Loosing my kids killed me inside, and my psychosis was bad and preventing me from being able to find a safe place. I was also running from a horrible domestic violence relationship.

I got sober in 2016, I had schizophrenia but I never told anyone about it.

I believed there was camera in my nose and in the treatment facility, and that everyone was actors and playing a role for a reality tv show / movie. I rolled with it, and thought the truth would come out soon. I had a boyfriend and I think he is someone else that I knew years ago.

But I truly believed I was right. Crazy how it was. One of my children got adopted when I was 8 months sober. Because I wasn’t able to see him or get him back in my life before adoption, Family services lied to me over and over and was making me jump hoops but nothing was good enough. And decided I was unfit to raise my youngest, but I got custody of my oldest. Makes no sense but that is what happened. Still have a lot of resentments I’m trying to let go of. I was crushed and confused and kept trying to push through all the delusions. I would think people I met were in masks to mask their identity.

Fast forward 3 years later the truth didn’t come out and I was getting so depressed because of it and trying to work and take care of my family and stay sober. Well I had a nervous break down, it all came crashing down and I wanted to die. I started buying drugs so I could overdose and die. I thought that I will hurt myself so everyone in the world can see what they are doing to me. I took those pills and ended up overdosing and going in the psych ward .

I didn’t seek help or tell anyone what was going on until i got released. I went on medication, and it made me gain so much weight, over 60 pounds in two months. It depresses me and I lost all my self confidence. I don’t love me anymore. It makes my feeling numb.I feel as I lost my spark, I am not happy and joyful these days, just feel numb, and I miss feeling emotions. So to this day, I still have psychosis everyday, but I am able to see when I started falling bAck to delusions and hallucinations of peoples faces changing. It’s one of the hardest things I have to battle. I’m so exhausted fighting it everyday. I have this constant feeling of being watched and not safe, and it makes me want to do nothing. I just want to hide away. But I push through it as much as I can because I have to have my shit together for my oldest son. Everyone thinks I am doing better with my meds and I am, I am not suicidal anymore, I want

To live. But I’m so tired of fighting it, I wish the meds helped more and I didn’t have to battle with reality everyday. It depresses me because I know it is preventing me from doing and living the best life I can. And deep down inside myself, I still feel like what I think is right. It’s fucked up.

Does anyone have this everyday while on medication? I want to talk to my doctor more about but yet I am scared to let anyone know how it is really effecting me.

It scares me to think that it will never get better and I have to constantly deal with it everyday. Does it ever get better? I have been sober since the day after I went into the hospital. Years ago.

Sorry for the long post.