Wondering if my husband could be bipolar, depressed, or something else ?

I usually have a great relationship with my husband, but for our entire relationship (9 years) there have been times when he just seems to “blow up” over something that seems too minor to merit that kind of reaction.

Very recent example: Yesterday was his birthday. We’d hung out together all day and did things he wanted to do. We’d had nice conversations about how much we loved each other and were glad we’d found each other. The night was winding down, so we decided to chill in the living room and watch a movie. He suggested one I wasn’t sure about, but assured me that he’d seen it and thought it was really good. I was knitting while we were watching the movie. I do this almost every time we watch anything. About halfway through, I was starting to get kind of bored with the movie and pulled out my phone. I told myself I just wanted to look at something specific on Reddit for a couple minutes, then I’d go back to the movie since it was his birthday and he wanted me to watch it with him.

I guess I was “busted,” and he asked “how’s your phone?” I said, “sorry, I just wanted to look at something real quick.” He said I’d been looking down for the whole movie, and I assured him that I’d only gotten my phone out a couple minutes ago. But when he insisted I’d been looking down, I said I guessed maybe because there was a lot of gore, which I don’t really like, I’d been looking down at my knitting more than normal. He got super mad that I wasn’t enjoying the movie enough apparently (I had admitted I wasn’t all that interested so far, but I’d be willing to keep giving it a chance). He turned off the movie and tossed me the remote. I gave it back to him, insisting that it was his birthday, so he should choose something, or he could put the movie back on. For a super tense and silent 45 minutes, he scrolled through every single thing on HBO Max. By this point, my feelings were hurt from the way he’d snapped at me, so I wasn’t saying anything. He eventually started something on Netflix. I hadn’t seen what it was, and he hadn’t asked me if I’d be ok with that choice. I was frustrated with his behavior at that point, so I said something sarcastic like, “I guess I’d better really stare at the screen this time, whether I like it or not.” That set him off into full on yelling at me. I don’t even remember what he was saying, but I was crying and couldn’t get a word in and his tirade ended with him saying he didn’t want to talk to me, didn’t want to be around me, and he was going to bed. I sat there stunned for a little bit and eventually went to bed myself, in the guest room.

It’s almost 6pm the next day and he hasn’t made any effort to talk to me. I showered in the guest room, got ready in the guest room, and worked in the guest room (I work from home and it happens to be my home office). The door’s been open the whole time. I’m open to talking with him, but part of me still has him cutting me off and saying he doesn’t want to talk to me or be around me ringing in my ears.

We’ve experienced very similar versions of this fight throughout our relationship. One time it was over me saying something when I thought a car pulling out of Wendy’s while we were pulling in was about to hit us (my husband was driving). One time it was because I was looking for sunglasses, my husband offered to let me wear his, and I declined, calling them disgusting because they had a lot of scratches and fingerprints on the lenses. It always seems like he’s reacting way out of proportion to the situation.

We have a hole in one wall from his fist and dents in two doors. He doesn’t physically abuse me in any way, but I feel like an emotional punching bag sometimes, especially because his apologies after these are brief, along the lines of, “I’m sorry, but let’s just put it in the past and forget about it.”

We’ve been to couples counseling. We spent a whole session talking about The Sunglasses Fight. The therapist’s recommendation for us was pretty much that I needed to use less dramatic language and he needed to understand that sunglasses are just sunglasses, not a stand-in for him as a person.

I’m not a stranger to mental illness myself. I’ve been diagnosed with and treated for depression and anxiety for about 15 years and ADHD for just a few months. When I hope to find a solution to our issues in the realm of mental illness, it’s not coming from a judgmental, “you’re CRAZY” perspective. I just want to believe that the man I married is the man I believed I was marrying and he just needs help with some tough stuff that’s a bit beyond his control.

Apologies for this being a long post and possibly in the wrong topic. We’ve talked about him probably having depression and anxiety for a while. He’s finally going to a doctor to start the ball rolling on a diagnosis next month. Bipolar disorder just popped into my mind as a possibility last night, so, as much as I know I shouldn’t play armchair psychiatrist too much, I was wondering if this story would be relatable for anyone who does have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder or something else.