Old, unemployed and miserable

Hi everyone,

In order to best describe my situation, I’ll use a timeless quote from the Pride and Prejudice 2005 movie “I’m 27 years old. I have no money, no prospects. I’m already a burden to my parents. And I’m frightened”.

Well, that’s 100% me, except I’m not 27 yet; I’ll be in one month. I’m unemployed and never have been. How did that happen? I only defended my master’s thesis (in Chemistry) 6 months ago. I was really struggling with my master’s program - both the “subjects” part and the thesis part, so it took me 4 years to complete instead of 2. I know, embarrassing. Unfortunately, I had a difficult relationship with my supervisors and my colleagues, and I accept my part of the responsibility for that. I often wanted to try to do things my way, often missed deadlines and everything. I often felt exhausted, had brain fog, couldn’t concentrate and get myself to work. Later, it turned out I had a severe iron deficiency. And nevertheless, I completed my degree, even with a very decent grade.

At first, I kinda enjoyed being free, so I wasn’t particularly proactive in searching for a job. I learnt to cook, to embroider, and enjoyed a quiet life. Then I’d feel extremely intimidated with the job search process - everything felt (and still feels so so complicated), and it feels that I don’t stand a chance. What do I have to show? A master’s degree (which everyone in Portugal has) and a rather impressive list of languages (I’m Eastern European, hence, bilingual + English + Portuguese + a biiit of French). But who needs languages in industry? I’m not even hoping for a job, just an internship, with a minimum amount of money. 

I feel so bad living at my parents’ expense. And even though I’m quite a typical “immigrant kid” - an interpreter/secretary/a bit of a lawyer to my parents, I feel like it doesn’t compensate. And they’ve spent so much money on my education: private international school, private tutors, etc. at school, I was the epitome of a perfect student, who could have thought…

I’ve been doing rather badly emotionally as of late. I had to increase my antidepressant dose again (almost 4 years of antidepressants - started 6 months after the war started) + have to take a sedative on top, almost every day. Not to mention melatonin. What makes things worse is that I’m not on good terms with my parents; they disapprove of my boyfriend (we are in a long-distance relationship). My boyfriend supports me as much as he can, but he is so far away. And my mum has a severe case of OCD, so our life is very restricted, my boyfriend says it’s worse than in a jail. And I cannot move out because I don’t have a job.

Why am I posting this? To get some support, I guess. And maybe connect with someone who finds themselves in a similar situation so that we can support each other.

And please do not judge - I already get a lot of that from myself.