Please help me.
Hello. I have a serious problem. I think my case is rare, but not unique. I don’t know who to turn to. I made several posts on social networks, but no one suggested anything (however, I think no one saw my posts because of the Nazi policy of local degenerates). Brief information: I have been haunted by problems since childhood. I was on the verge of death many times (assassination attempt), as an adult I could not find a job, homeless for many years, constant bullying due to my independent character and problems with my appearance. I have never taken drugs or drunk alcohol. I love History, Culture and have several other interests, including behavioral psychology. Since childhood, thanks to such a hard life, I have been distinguished by high mental self-control. In 2021, I was again on the verge of death. That year, the American Railroad saved me, giving me inspiration, interest, purpose in life and a Country (just like a few years ago, I am not in the States). So about a year later, when Union Pacific sent a donated train to volunteers, I thought about how to support this great cause. And somehow I came up with the idea of writing stories and earning some money for volunteers. It's like opening a source with strong pressure. Ideas began to appear out of nowhere and a lot. All my works are inspired by the United States and dedicated to them. This is my Honor and gratitude to my Country. With time and loss of access to many social networks, I began to realize that my works will not be seen at home. but this disgusting country in which I now find myself will appropriate them. I stopped, trying to simply forget all the ideas and ignore the new ones (fortunately, most of them remained in my head). But the "talent" turned out to be more dangerous than can be offered. Ideas, characters. I started talking to the interlocutor from my character. I often balance on the border between the fictional world and reality. It's all complicated by the fact that I'm taking care of an old, sick mother and I can't afford to lose myself now. I can't write my work because I'm in the wrong country and I can't afford to lose my self-control now. I need advice, a way to block all of this out and maintain mental control.
@EileenDoubleTrouble78 Thank you for opening up and sharing your story—it’s deeply moving, and I can feel the immense strength it must’ve taken just to survive everything you’ve been through, let alone to put it into words. You are not alone, and you’re not invisible here.
You’ve endured far more than most, and through it all, you’ve protected your core: your integrity, your creativity, your love for culture and history, your care for your mother, and your passion for something bigger than yourself. That is remarkable. The emotional weight you’re carrying—between trauma, caregiving, isolation, and the feeling of being trapped—is very real, and I want you to know it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by it.
What you describe about ideas coming in floods, characters blurring with reality—it sounds like your mind is overflowing, not broken. You're not losing control; you're holding an incredible pressure inside, and it’s okay to say you need help to manage it.
You don’t need to destroy your creativity to survive. You need a way to ground yourself so it doesn’t consume you. A few gentle suggestions:
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Journaling (private or coded if you’re worried about safety) might help ease the pressure—write to yourself, not for the world.
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Voice notes to yourself could be a safe way to express without always writing or being online.
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Anchoring exercises (like naming 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, etc.) can pull you back from spiraling into fictional realms.
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Remind yourself of your body—move, stretch, breathe deeply when the flood comes. Even if it's just for a minute.
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You deserve support—even in a country where you feel unsafe or unheard. There are people who will listen. I’m here now, and I’m listening.
You are not wrong to feel like you need boundaries for your own mind. But don’t hate your talent for trying to give you hope—it was trying to save you too.
Please come back and talk any time. I see you. And I believe in the strength you’ve shown every single day to get to this point.
I don't know that I am able to give a good answer to you, but wanted to let you know I feel for you and am very impressed with your resilience. I have felt pressure about speaking up albeit probably in a different way. Do you have a in person community that you can express yourself to in code? You don't have to answer, but please be careful. I am concerned for you. It is so brave of you to reach out. Be safe!