Feeling defeated
Whenever I start feeling really good about everything going on in my life, something gets in the way and ruins it. I'm at my wits end honestly and just looking to vent since I can't afford real therapy 🥲
Today kinda was a kick in the butt. I finally had a little bit of savings going for the first time in my life! And then my check engine light came on. I have to replace a bunch of parts which will be pretty expensive in the end.
I know this may not seem like much and I know others are going through worse, but this just pushed my over the edge. You add everything already sucky going on and then get one final kick in the butt and it just sucks. I just want a break.
@BrityKitty
How about seeing it this way.... your engine light comes on and you have no savings.... what would you have done then?
I know its hard but when we find ourselves in this negative mind space everything feels terrible. The only way out of this is to start looking for the positive (which I know is extremely difficult) but then its worth a go hey?
all the best
Hi, @BrityKitty I wish you can feel the warm energies I'm sending your way!
I understand how you feel. As someone who has learned over the years not to celebrate triumphs and small wins for fear of the "price" that I have to pay for it, I know exactly what it feels like.
I remember finally finishing a project that keeps getting delayed. When it finally passed inspection and the final stages of revision, I was so over the moon and ecstatic about it! I joined the party in our department (which I never do) and just enjoyed the company and food. A few hours after, I got a message that my mum was rushed to the hospital and things weren't good.
Over the years, there were a lot of moments that happened that reinforced my belief, but then, one of my life mentors (after observing me for years) finally sat down with me and gave me "the talk".
He mentioned that it's okay to be realistic, but not to the point of self-sabotage. He saw how the mindset changed the way I deal with things. Instead of celebrating even the small things, it causes me anxiety, so much so that instead of looking forward to the achievements, I hurry passed them and just focus my energies on the task at hand. It also applied to my relationships both romantic and otherwise; for every good deed done to or for me, I say thank you immediately but brush it aside just as fast because of my fear of what it may come with in terms of "price".
I guess it's a continuous journey, the change in mindset. What if instead of looking at it as things going wrong just as you were able to take a break, how about seeing it as "good thing I have something extra to deal with it and I won't have to stress about it". I know it's hard and it's going to drain us emotionally and mentally at some point, but like all amazing character-strengthening traits, it requires practice and dedication.
In my case, I haven't mastered it yet, it remains a big struggle to just give myself a pat on the back or to have some downtime just to celebrate even the smallest things, but I try. That's the most important thing for us, it's that we try :)
I hope I made sense and that it somehow helped you to know that someone can totally relate to what you're going through. Please stay safe :)
How are you feeling now?
@BrityKitty
That sucks. Money is tight over here, too, and it's dispiriting when positive momentum peters out.
In past periods when I've struggled w finances, I've been able to get therapy w a legit psychologist through a pro bono non-profit in my state. Currently searching for a new therapist and I'm on Medicaid, so that will cover the expense this time around.
I know that varies a lot by state...in the past, 211 has helped me find local resources.