Having Trouble? Need to get something of your chest?

Hell, yeah.

I feel depressed.

for creating this post.

@Mintirose

Yeah. :p Seven cups is a place to vent without judgement.

Is it weird that I've been getting some good improvements materialkstic-wise, yet I don't feel like I really deserve it?

It's like all I can feel any more is anger. I'm lashing out at all the wrong people. I feel toxic and I hate myself for it. I imagine that others must feel the same way, especially those I'm hurting.

I wander around numb and vaguely sad all day and the next thing I know I find myself enraged. I feel like I'm cracking and I don't know what to do. Today I was doing OK at managing my emotions. Stress-cleaned the apartment, but overall, not bad. Then a friend remembered one of the situations that's stressing me out - housing. In the process of trying to help they stressed me right out and it felt like all the work I did was unraveling. I went off on them when they only meant well. I feel like a terrible friend and an awful human being.

I was having a beer with a friend one day when he confessed;

Friend: When I was a kid I accidentally spilled paint in the garage. My dad was mad, he made me eat a spoon full of hot sauce. Imagine being a child and being forced to eat that.

**he began to cr tear up**

(I confessed to him): When I was young I accidentally flinched in front of my dad. I was catching beatings almost daily and my body started to automatically tense up when ever he would enter the room. He hit me so hard closed fist it knocked me unconscious, my mom thought he killed me. I remember the police coming by and making me take off my shirt to look at my bruises. Everyone was afraid to say anything because we lived in fear of him. The only times I felt safe was during the hour or two when he passed out from drinking. This was the usual everyday until I was 12 when he finally left.

He called me a f**king liar.

I've been having problems with self hard and I think my parents know and I'm scared of what they will think

I'm constantly around my sister and her kids. She lives a matter of ten minutes away from mine and she's always here. She's always talking about how hard it is being a single mother to three kids, and seeing as I have none, I can't begin to fathom how hard it is for her. I don't know how hard it is to be a mother, because I don't have any children, but she leaves me in charge of her kids quite often.

It's starting to feel like I'm looking after her kids more often than their dads look after them. I'm looking after them so often, someone I've only recently gotten back in contact with can safely guess that if I seem the slightest bit stressed, I'm looking after her kids.

It's getting to me because it's starting to seem like she's the beginning and end of all my stresses. That's not right. My sisters shouldn't be the cause of my stress or depression. I just kind of...I'm frustrated by her being there all the time and I don't want to be around her.

But I'm the bad guy for not wanting to look after her kids. I'm the bad guy for wanting to be on my own. I'm the bad guy because for once, I'd like to wake up on my own accord, whether or not it's ten in the morning or three in the afternoon.

***JUST NEED TO GET SOMETHING OFF OF MY CHEST***

I had an entire post written to add, but it just seems too much like I'm blaming my sister.

A lot of my posts show my frustration toward my older sister. I've said that I blame her inability to realize, as her little sister, I wasn't strong enough to cope with the stuff that she put on me. She'd told me things she wouldn't dream about telling our parents, but now, our relationship isn't as strong as it was then, and I'm the one suffering for it. She needs a last minute babysitter, I'm there and she'll drop her kids off on me, including her love child with someone who had been stringing me along while fooling around with her. I love my nephew, I love both of my nieces, and yes, I do love my older sister, but I'm just exhausted with her. Everyday, there's something new about the guy, let's call him John, that she feels the need to tell me. John hits on another girl while she's there and she's pissed at him, says she wishes he wouldn't do that, when she went and slept with another guy. John got a new job, John's still in love with his ex, John's so hurt over the situation and he's hurt himself. It's gotten to the point that I've told her, time and time again, I don't want to hear it, I don't care about him or how he feels. But that makes me the bad guy. She pulls this face of complete and utter disgust, and rolls her eyes, as if she's tired of me telling her I don't need to hear it.

The worst part of all of it, the constant advice I'm given by people is that I need a break from her. But considering I live with my parents, the only break that I can get is if I move out, which I'm unable to do. But even if I moved out, I know she'd be right there on my doorstop, no matter where I moved to. I'm tired of her and having her constantly around. I'm just done.

But I'm a glutton for punishment because I made plans with her for tomorrow.

Last year was my first year in high school (I'm homeschooled). At first everything was going really well! I was enjoying most of my subjects and all that, but one week I got behind on one of my subjects (I think it was history). The next thing I know I'm behind in almost all my subjects! That is when I first experience depression. So by the time summer came around I just barely made a passing grade, thankfully I wasn't depressed anymore. Now that school has started back I'm starting to fall behind again and I have severe depression. I don't know why this keeps happening! I love learning! I love my school books! But for some reason I can focus on my school! Oh I almost forgot to mention I'm a type 1 diabetic.

@Mintirose

Yes! It's a awesome place here :D