I'm broken.

I've been depressed for about 6 years now. It started with losing a friendship that meant a lot to me. My family always cared more about work and money than feelings and spending time together, so by losing that friend of mine I lost the only person who I could share anything with.

I became anorexic. It was a long way but somehow I could heal from that. Or at least my body healed. But I could never go back to intuitive eating. In the past 6 years there wasn't a single day when I didn't think about starting my diet the next day/week/monday etc, or was not dieting. So it has been a long cycle of bingeing and purging since then.

When my body healed my family thought I healed too. They told me several times that I should pretend that I am happy because this whole thing is so hard for THEM. So since then I have always struggled to seem to be happy no matter if I was dying inside.

This lead to me being entirely alone with my problems. I pushed all my friends away, and I am afraid of letting people close to me. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to make anyone feel bad by telling them how miserable I feel.

What helped me through the years was dancing. I take 4-5 hours of dance classes every day, this is what helps me escape reality. But lately I've been binging a lot, gaining weight and now I hate my body and find it extremely hard to go to classes. So I am completely lost. I can't do the only thing that helps me to fight my depression because of my depression.