Is this what its really come to?

Dec 1st 2022

*trigger warning*

As of the first of December, here I sit and write. Searching high and low for help of others again in partial crisis. I seem to feel as though maybe my aunt is right. I only seem to seek help when I am finally at my final straw. But is it truly wrong to feel a burden when you want to ask for help? You feel as though after a small wrong doing your life is ruined and that maybe all the things and ways you react is overdramatic. I truly don’t understand what is wrong anymore. I have lost myself, my motivation, my happiness, and I even lost every reason to care. I feel as though I already ruined my life, and that anything I truly wanted to do can’t be achieved. I’ve always wanted to be an idol, pretty, over achiever, multi-talented. But the goal and guidance and pushing myself is gone. I hate how I just want things to come easily now, but when you fallen so far into a dark hole of procrastination and depression and everything else.. it seems like there really is no hope.

I had a thought of maybe this world isn’t for me. I feel as though I am the background character bound to die a horrible death or something. My parents, they sincerely act as though they understand or want to.. they don’t understand. They believe that I am just lazy and disappointing, that I don’t care. They are right about not caring. I lost every flying *** to give. I hate my job, but I have no motivation to find a new one. My parent told me that I don’t do anything, and that I have nothing going for me. I guess it’s true. But she doesn’t understand why, she just swears that I just don’t care and that everything I do is on purpose. She doesn’t understand that I have a mental disorder, and that I am mentally ill and unstable, that I need actual help. Standing there and yelling and talking *** in the kitchen while I sit up in room under my covers. The same old b*tch who caused me all my PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and whatever else I have. She swears she’s a great parent and that she’s done everything for me, but how could that be true when all she has done is cause me pain.

I am tired. I can’t sleep right. I can’t do anything right. It’s all I feel. And I sincerely hate living the life I live. But I will pretend that everything is okay. Thank you for reading my very long vent/rant lol.

With Love,

Nyv