2025
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!!! 🎆🥂🎁❤️
Prayers and prayers. May this year be bigger, brighter and blissful. May we all be safe, and happier.
Amen.
I hope that you got outside for even 5 minutes today and that you are starting to heal.
May you enjoy your food today and maybe start to make some art.
Peace and hugs!
I am so glad to see you back on again. I know that your days aren't exactly peaceful as you heal. What you are looking for isn't complete days of peace. It is moments of peace. Even 15 minutes counts. But you just have to find them.
Is there a reason why you decided to go back for A-levels again? You are very intellectually capable to do them, but I know that you weren't in a mental space earlier where you wanted to try. I do like the subjects that you are looking at quite a bit for you.
What your dad and therapists are saying really is a good path (this is exactly what I have been urging for a while), but it is one that surprises you at first because your brain insists that all of the issues are mental and thus must be solved within your thinking. Yes, therapy sessions with a good therapist are good, but huge amounts of growth can happen through by physical action - doing art, getting outside, reading a book. They are beyond critical because when your brain is engaged elsewhere it can begin to heal. I really didn't want to believe this either when I was ill. My brain kept arguing that I was too sick. My brain was very, very wrong. Once I got in the habit of getting outside (I walk daily), doing jigsaw puzzles online (that has recently changed to an easy coloring app), cooking a few times a week, getting on 7 Cups every night to help other people, my life began to change after about a month of daily activity. My brain kept saying it wasn't working, but it was. It was radically unexpected. I cannot urge you to do such things enough. Your depression is very much lying to you. And nothing is harmed by trying. You easily have the strength to do something for 30 minutes. Break stuff up into lots of small chunks.
May I ask why you are still engaging your sister in conversation? You know for some reason she just wants to hurt you right now. I am not saying that you should cut off contact permanently, but keep conversations limited. You need helpful people in your life right now, not soul crushing conversations. Your sister doesn't understand mental illness very well. She is too far away to really see for herself.
I am glad that your dad is being a little more helpful at the moment. Remember that it is all a step at a time. I believe in you.
First of all, I want to appologise for bugging people including you (I know you don't feel disturbed because you are too kind but I feel ashamed) with this constant foundation vs A-levels, bad mental health and indecisive nature.
So...there are a couple of factors. I believe A-levels would keep my options open and I'm starting to see this. After A-levels, I can go to any university abroad, can at least apply to them or even choose not to study anymore but I will have the option to go to university. A major reason behind deciding to start them is that because of depression, mental illness or whatever, I'm struggling to decide on what to study for my undergraduate degree and on a good career plan which is what you need to have fixed if you opt for foundation courses. So I'm just done with this A-levels vs Foundation thing and almost same amount of time is passing and will be passing anyway if I go with either route, so why not go with the one that has more options and take 2 more years to decide on a career. Also, what if I don't like the major I studied the foundation for. I can't switch. A-levels may let me switch. A-levels may, just may take me to a better place. The only problem is that I'm underconfident and terrified as *** to get bad grades, my mind is constantly visualising CDD - this would mean 2 years wasted on A-levels and I'll fall into major depression again. God cannot be this cruel to me. I at least need CCC or BCC. That would do the job for me. But I'm constantly questioning whether I'll be able to grasp concepts and study to get the desired grades. This Anika and the Anika before igcses feel very different. And abroad life needs a disciplined life as a student and I need to develop these habits in a familiar environment first before jumping straight in a new environment. A-levels and foundation - both would require effort. I'll just see by attending classes. I also question can passing high school be really that hard? Another depressing thing is I have to stay in a *** country like Bangladesh for 2 more years.
It's also not like I don't have issues, trauma and all and if I keep everything repressed and they come out in the form of bad grades, I'm done. About the subjects, everything is hard in A-levels and Idk why Business Studies didn't work for me. Do you have any idea?
Yes I need to have limited conversations with my sister but the thing is she easily puts labels and insists I need a good psychiatrist amd then I get scared if I have developed serious issues. Helpful people? Dawn, you are a major support system in my life right now.
I want to say something. It was good that my foundation courses didn't happen. I don't want to study business. Idk why. I don't know which country I'll go to. I don't know what will be my career. I don't know so many things and this uncertainty is killing me. I searched for university courses and immigration visas endlessly these past few days and it took a toll on my health. There's this instant urge to have my life figured out which isn't happening and it is frustrating me. I am already having trouble accepting that I may become 30 by the time I graduate and don't know if I'll get jobs and where I can settle will largely depend on my dad's support too. I'm not built for corporate life. I don't know what kind of work life I want. I want a fulfilling life. And life is unfair. You don't get everything. These eye-opening things keep me depressed. Honestly, Dawn, what kind of life do you see for me? What do you see me studying? I'm sorry that I'm asking for so much guidance but I don't have skilled and experienced people around me.
Thank you for believing in me. Please take care of your health. Please remain connected.
@bestVase7265 I'm sending you two links. Grade boundaries. The minimum mark you need to get to achieve a particular grade. One of June 2024. Another of Jan 2025. Look about English Language. I got 61/100 ( A) in igcses (grade 10 exam). Almost 40 marks were cut. And in A-levels, if I have 40 marks down, I'll get a d. I'm terrified, Dawn. I'm terrified.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://qualifications.pearson.com/content/dam/pdf/Support/Grade-boundaries/International-A-level/grade-boundaries-june-2024-international-advanced-level.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjK0oX23c2NAxXOzzgGHQAhNY0QFnoECAwQAQ&usg=AOvVaw26dIIiaqdwYBCZdGRYOehq
No need to apologize. I am all good here.
We are going to start at the beginning here - that self-care you aren't doing yet. This is what I am most concerned about here. You aren't yet taking anyone's advice and finding those windows where you aren't making the future into a giant worry whirlpool or living in the past of regrets. Those moments where you are doing art and getting outside are more important right now than ANY future plans. So when you write me the next time START with what you are doing to take care of yourself RIGHT NOW.
I know that there are lots of capitalization in there but it isn't because I am angry with you or anything. I am most definitely not. I just want to turn off that rushed part of your brain that continues to lie to you. Again, nothing to apologize for. We are going to figure this out.
A-levels is just fine. I have no trouble with the idea of you start them again as long as you make time for self-care throughout and focus on the present. You don't need to know what the future holds. Actually no one does. Stop worrying about the grades so much. They are in the future. You have to build the path one brick at a time. When you just do the brick in front of you and don't look up you will succeed. Guaranteed. You have the academic talent. Break it down into really small pieces. As I said, I like the course selection much better. So let's do this.
I am not going to answer those long term questions because they aren't helping your brain right now. They are just terrifying you. They aren't worth it.
This is your starting point of two questions: what are you doing daily to focus on the present through self-care and what are you doing TODAY to start the process of preparing for A-levels? Nothing else. Just today.
You are right. I'm not self-soothing myself. The main thing is I don't have access to good psychiatrist and therapy. I plan to apply for medical visa in india. I can't plan a long term goal and I can't focus on the present. There is too much grief in me. I'm considering the foundation programmes in Malaysia, I'm thinking about A-levels, I'm also looking if there are apprenticeships in Europe that would take a bottom level South Asian (Bangladeshi) like me. I'm sorry if I'm triggering you or annoying you with my mind. I can't help appologising. I'm disturbing people's lives. My mind is ungrounded. I'm sorry that my this reply doesn't include me doing art but I do go outside. I went to a coaching centre for Law and the teacher said it's very hard. Every teacher is saying their subject is hard and my mental health is so poor that I'm getting weakened by those comments. Everyone says different things. My sister doesn't suggest Europe for undergraduation and go for masters (and I think man, am I even capable enough to do masters) and that makes me think Malaysia is perfect but this teacher discouraged foundation programmes. I'm just swallowimg up everyone's words. I have become an adult this year. I have gotten too many reality checks that life is not easy. It is uncertain. You switch careers. Only it and engineering are in demand. Who knows if my parents will be there to see my suceess if I ever achieve it. You see the haphazardness of my mind? It is this way. All because I'm a Bangladeshi. Have led a sheltered life and neglect in teenage that put me to this condition today. I want to get out of this country. I want to work. In Europe, mainly portugal bevause they have a visa that will allow my mom in. Idk how to make that dream happen. Academically or non-academically. Life is hard. I never thought of it this way. I'm sorry for being this way and I'm sorry for even worsening your own mental health.
Also there is a 15 day vacation for Eid here so the classes are off. I cannot do much. They'll resume on the 14th.
Also there is a 15 day vacation for Eid here so the classes are off. I cannot do much. They'll resume on the 14th.
Also there is a 15 day vacation for Eid here so the classes are off. I cannot do much. They'll resume on the 14th. @bestVase7265
Ok, so let's do the self-soothing anyway. It doesn't make a difference what kind of psychiatric assistance you are getting now in terms of doing the self-soothing. You can do those things like doing art or getting outside with no one's help.
Yes, it would be nice to get better assistance, but if you don't have it right now then you do it for yourself. That should be the starting point of all your messages - what have you done (not thought) in the last 24-48 hours to distract yourself. Focus on physical activities and do them religiously.
I love that you are getting outside. Describe to me where you are going and what you are seeing. Then think about what kinds of art you might be willing to attempt.
No long term planning okay? You don't need to do that right now. I am not going to answer those portions of your message in an effort to get you on track. Also thinking about your past - I am not going to answer those portions either. Being filled only with regrets and fears stops you dead in your tracks and you can't move.
Also, no need to apologize. Your brain is working against you. We are going to fix that. You can do this and I am not the least bit frustrated.
Even if there is an Eid vacation, it doesn't mean that you cannot do stuff. Art and getting outside remain possible. Focus on those things for now. That's it.
Be present in each day. When you feel like you can't be, then start the mental health senses countdown. Five things you can see. Four things you can hear. Three things you can touch. Two things you can smell. One thing you can taste. Do this kind of thing over and over.
Sending some solid strength and peace your way. You can do this. Don't listen to those lying thoughts telling you otherwise.
I bet you had at least one moment today when things were more peaceful for you. Can you name it?
Know that I continue to think about you daily.
You know if I could just place my head on your lap and cry for sometime I'd feel better. I hope I don't make you uncomfortable but it's just that physical hug or touch provides me with so much comfort. I have my mom for that and I am lucky.
So I'm pretty much fixed about the A-levels thing even tho it scares the *** out of me and DDD grade flashes in my head. I may not be able to achieve scholarship type results even tho I wish I could so I probably have to rely on my dad who is the most unreliable person I know even tho he is being super supportive right now but who knows after two years. But yeah like you said, I have to stop worrying about future. The thing is I have grown this year and have gotten a lot of reality checks which was too much on someone like who led a very sheltered life and romanticed it too much.
Anyway Dawn, I need some guidance. I'm sorry it's been 5 months and I'm still suffering from subject selection. I'm pretty much fixed on English (the writing scares me but there's no way) and Psychology (a new subject which I may find interesting). About the third subject, I'm stuck between choosing law and business. So the thing is Edexcel (the UK board) International A-levels law teaches you about UK Law and has 62 or something chapters. People say you'll be learning 2 years of work in 1 year because it is a 1 year course but if you compare it with other subjects needing 2 years, it is less voluminous. You have to give time to it. It's content heavy and hard and I havd become so receptive of people's words and everything triggers me that I'm scared of everything. Business has a lot of theory but it's a 2 year course. I took classes and eventually got bored and dropped it. But my mental health at that time was worse too. I do have plans of starting a business like a small shop in a foreign country but they say you don't need formal training for that. I'm vaguely interested in law but I doubt I could carry the workload along with 2 subjects and fear landing in a problem. I'm vaguely interested in law and the idea of having it completed in a year while I'll only have 2 subjects to deal with in the 2nd year entices me. But English, Psychology and Business also offer a more balanced combination. I'd have to say tho I have no future interest in Law and I'm only taking as a 3rd subject. Economics I find boring. The sciences are hard.
You can check out the syllabus of both and compare and help me decide please since you have lots of years of experiences. I beg you to find some time to go through each content clearly and let me know.
@bestVase7265 I'd also like to let you know that the law teacher at the coaching centre suggested that since I have a base in Physics and Chemistry in my grade 10, I should consider taking them but they are field with maths man and are so hard. And I highly see myself pursuing science careers even tho botany and environmental sciences fascinates me. Having said that I don't know what career lies for me ahead. I'm tired of thinking and it took a toll on my health.
Ok, so first things first. I want you to always start your messages with what you are doing in the present. I can help with some course selection, but I need you to try to get your mind on what is happening that day and what you are doing to support yourself. So begin with something you are doing to soothe yourself. I am really looking for that as a starting point - art work, getting outside, something you have eaten, etc. This is such a critical component of ANYTHING else.
You do need to do the final selection for A-levels immediately so I will answer that one question. English and psychology should be locked down for you. They are perfect. You aren't going to get any better. Based upon what you said, go business rather than law or economics. Both law and economics are almost in a different language because there are so many terms to learn. You are right that business will give you some options. You might also start seeing ways that English and psych can help you in making your business more possible.
Your second message also mentions botany and environmental science. Are those science subjects that you can test in? Or just chemistry and physics? I would consider biology, botany or environmental but not harder sciences like chemistry and physics. But I still think business is probably your best bet.
Make the decision in the next two days and then stick with it.
I do go outside. I went outside to buy some tshirts 7 days back. I'll go for a haircut next. I'll go to the terrace today but these medicines make my body feel heavy. Art and everything I feel triggered and depressed doing. It doesn't mean I'm in a bad mental state. Probably the medicines are working but this acceptance of A-levels itself was a huge thing. I'm sorry if I'm falling short and you have to say these things repeatedly but I know for my own welfare. I'm doing Dawn. I'm trying.
Some of the 1st year's material also come in second year of Psychology. Then English's second year is harder too. Then I'll have business. Business has 4 units. English and Psychology too. I just thought since Law only has paper 1 and 2 and you're done with it in the first year, you can choose to focus only on tje other two in the next. But I guess I'm not fit for Law, neither it will come in use for future. So I see your point in being business my best bet. Sighh. I will have to work harder just. I have no other option. Everywhere I'll have to work hard.
I never had Biology and it has 6 units.
I'm sorry Dawn if all this is too much. I know it's repetitive. But this is my life.
@bestVase7265 I went out and got a haircut.