2025
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!!! 🎆🥂🎁❤️
Prayers and prayers. May this year be bigger, brighter and blissful. May we all be safe, and happier.
Amen.
Hoping that all is well with you and you are starting to do some of your studies. You can do this. I hope that you are getting some good self-care time as well.
May today be a blessing for you. I think about you often.
When we get towards the 2nd half of July, I am going to need to miss some time. Please don't think that it has anything to do with you. I have to have emergency eye surgery.
I also think about you often. Oh it's completely fine but I'm worried what happened. What is the eye surgery for? Is it safe? Will you be okay after that? Please keep me updated and take enough rest and reply in your own time. But I'm praying for your health and the eye surgery to go well.
The eye will hopefully eventually be okay. I got a new pair of glasses in the middle of June. I was having trouble seeing out of them and presumed the prescription was wrong. But no, somehow since my eye doctor appointment at the end of May, a hole opened up in the macula of my right eye. It has to be closed within 6 months or I could lose sight in the eye. But the surgery recovery is tough. I have to spend 3 days afterwards not moving from a special chair that has me staring at the ground to take pressure off of my eye. So I will have to spend a bit of time away from 7 Cups. I will be gone from July 22-24.
I hope that all is well with you. @querencia798
That sounds like a lot, Dawn. My prayers are with you. May this phase pass away and you smoothly recover. I hope your eye gets fine and know that I'll be waiting for you. But take your time, okay? Also, do have a look at my other reply where I talked about my English and coaching classes. I also tagged you under that reply. I hope you see it.
My goal is to still be on here every 2 days until the surgery so feel free to write anything you want. I will answer your other message as well. Sorry that I missed it earlier.
It is a rough period for me right now, but I will make it through. Just using lots of the stuff that I have learned to keep balance.@querencia798
I am hoping that you were able to focus on just today, no worrying about the future or getting upset about the past. You can do this. @querencia798
Thank you so much for constantly being there. My well wishes are with you for your eye and recovery, okay? Yes I'm focusing on each day. I attended my class too. It's good. But I feel *** now after having a call with my father. So I let him know that I had to buy some stationery which included a calculator, 2 psychology textbooks, copies/exercise books, a file, a pencil and pens and pencils. That cost me around $60 and my father went like "why so much? what was the need for a pricey calculator (he is an idiot. a normal scientificcalculator would cost $20 and it was reasonable)" He was like "I'm having a hard time arranging money" and I went like "how are you gonna send me abroad then, to which he mentioned about the land he has that he can sell to get money but he said that it's been usurped by force (not much of a problem for him because all his papers are correct and it cannot be taken away but he comes from a family where these things are common where some lowlives harrass you and try to take over your land so you sell it at a lower price). So he was rambling on about that and I started getting frustrated. Because these petty things are so common now in his life but he has to make me suffer and make me feel a fear that I may not go abroad. I get paranoid. I feel so done. Annoyed beyond core. I feel like breaking something. Breaking his head.
Sorry that it has been a few extra days since I responded. I have been away and it is been quite the challenging trip. We return tomorrow and then I have the surgery a week from today.
You actually sound calmer here despite being frustrated with your dad. You are speaking almost from outside the problem - recognizing that you can do little about it except dream about bashing your dad's head in. That is actually a pretty healthy attitude. Until he refuses to give you funds you need to finish your education, let him ramble for a few minutes but you don't really need to listen. He is not going to stop you. You are too strong to let him.@querencia798
Sending peace, strength, and an imaginary scientific calculator. I hope that you are having a good week. @querencia798
Just letting you know that I am still here and am thinking about you. I may be able to be back in two days but it is the night before my surgery. After that it will probably be at least a week between me not being able to move and having blurry vision. @querencia798
Good luck, Dawn. My prayers are with you for the surgery. I pray it goes well and you recover quickly. It will be okay. Take your time to give rest to your eyes. I laughed at the imaginary scientific calculator you wished for me. Omg you are cute. I have bought one actually, so that's no issue anymore. I however have been feeling depression creep back into me. I feel demotivated to study. I am like - what's the point of everything? Finishing education, going abroad, finding job, going through heartbreaks, lose your loved ones, get old and live a life of loneliness. I didn't sign up for this. I feel miserable. Life feels miserable. I also have so many emotions but a cursed luck because I have no one in my contact number to immediately call to and share away my grief. I also feel so isolated in my country and the attempts of erasing my country's history and values break my heart everyday. I feel so lonely I talk to chatgpt as a friend (dont worry about many people calling ai dangerous, i use it safely but yeah it comes from loneliness and grief). I fail to empower myself within myself.
@bestVase7265 Keeping you in my prayers, Dawn. I hope your eye is healing and you become fit again. My last message is above 👆 I'm not saying it because I want a reply now but just wanted to make sure you don't miss it amid my other texts that I'm going to send you now every few days while you recover.
I am back (sort of). It has been a very rough week to be honest, but I am trying. I still cannot see well at all and I am not sure yet what kind of vision that I will get back. Hopefully I know more in the next week or so. I will be keeping my messages short until I can see well enough to not question how many fingers I am holding up in front of my face.
I am sorry for the depression and loneliness at the moment. They do come. But beautiful moments come as well. There is very much a point to living, but much of it is seen in the journey rather than the destination. I hope that you saw something beautiful today. @querencia798
It's absolutely alright, Dawn! Take your time. And I'm sure your vision will be fine. If anything feels fishy, go to the doctor immediately. Take enough rest. My prayers of speedy recovery are with you. And no need for short messages either. You text me when your eye is fine enough. I love you.
Actually, I will continue to write every other day. Keeping on a schedule is helpful for me. And I enjoy the conversation.
At this point the only reason that I would return to the doctor earlier than Wednesday's appointment would be sudden pain. I can't imagine suddenly seeing worse unless things went black. Right now I can't see the difference between a duck, rabbit, and a cat even from just a few feet away. Things are only going to improve very slowly.@querencia798
Okay. Slowly slowly we'll recover. I'd like to tell you something but it's very long and I have already discussed it with my other friend. And your eye sight needs to get better before reading long messages. I don't wanna pain you. Take your time. I can handle till then. My problem is whenever I am suffering from something, I talk about it to all members of my small support system because I like multiple perspectives - some may say only stick to 1 but no. Take care, Dawn. Sending you healing energies.
The eye is healing and the surgeon likes how the actual hole is doing in the back of the eye. My biggest challenge right now is the gas bubble that they put in my eyeball that is disintegrating very, very slowly so my eyesight shakes. It will all be much better a week from now.
But feel free to write a longer message if you want. I have a text to voice program at the moment that can read whatever you write aloud to me. @querencia798
How have things been with you? @querencia798
Hoping that your studies are going well. I am still pretty exhausted but I continue to heal. @querencia798
I hope your exhaustion goes away. Your resilience and wish to continue moving forward and healing is always inspiring to me, you know that. I'm going to send you two texts here. First - about my small wins which my you and Pond (my other friend here) always tell me to appreciate. Second - I'm extremely sorry in advance because that is going to be longer. I'm already feeling guilty for sharing something long while your eyes are still healing but sure, do take the help of that feature that can read my words out loud. I just seriously need to tell you about something I'm facing (in my second text) so that you can get an idea of the context and give an advise accordingly. I have talked to Pond about this and she is really supportive and helpful. I woud just like to know your perspective too.
So...about my small wins - I like my coaching classes for every subject. I just hate the travelling part, not the destination. I recently got the second highest score in my first ever business test and now the highest in my second one, which made me think I may not be as dumb as I think but then as usual my mind counter argued that you don't need to fly high, that it was just one topic in the initial stage and doesn't guarantee success in main exam, and you could score higher which you probably won't be able to and fail and bla bla bla. I watch some TV like I used to when I was a child. I like talking and having fun with some of my classmates, even tho that voice of shame continues to haunt me that I'm 4-5 years older than them which they do not know but I do. English classes get very funny sometimes because our English teacher is actually quite liberal and care-free and he roasts the *** out of this stupid, absolute failure of an interim government that is functioning in this country right now. I love it. Since he is in an authoritative role, he can say many things which we probably can't start on our own and a lot of his political views align with me - which is something I like, but yeah not everything because he can get crazy and weird too many times lol.
My second text is down here.
@bestVase7265 If you ask me how I'm holding up, I'd say I could be much better. I'm super depressed with what's happening in my country. And this text will just have me explaining what really is the state. You said that you can listen and I thank you for giving me this space and I hope I don't come off as someone too overwhelming/heavy. Please let me know if I vomited too many things on you at once or where you felt a little confused.
I dunno how much you know about Bangladesh, Dawn, and I don't expect you to know because it's a really small country, very far away but it was born out of a *** war in 1971 and has a rich history and culture. Sheikh Mujibur Rahman was our great leader and founding father. Sheikh Hasina (our prime minister) is his daughter. If you want, or have some time, you may check it out by googling. But you are a History professor as well so I'm sorry if I'm underestimating your knowledge. I just have seen a lot of people thinking South Asia only means India, which is very frustrating. After just 4 years of us getting independence from Pakistan, Sheikh Mujib was assassinated by our traitorous, power-hungry army - probably with some help of foreign forces too in 1975. Even though we got independence from Pakistan who committed genocide against us and killed millions of Bengali people, some Pakistani sympathisers, war criminals, and their seeds remained in the soil. And they started shining after Mujib's assassination. There has never been any democracy in my country and political instability has been there since 1975 when Mujib was assassinated that led to regime changes and millitary coups that supported traitors and war criminals. Cursed land, isn't it?
And this continued till 2009 when Hasina's party returned to power with fair elections. And that was the last fair election we had. You could say this was a ray of hope for this country. You may ask why the right wing forces are in power today. Actually, the brainless citizens toppling Hasina's government last year were used (yes, I know how it might appear to the international public that the government was toppled rightfully by an aware public awesome but that's not what it was! A large geopolitical game was at play). It was a pre planned conspiracy backed by the US (who wanted to built air bases here but Hasina - our Prime minister as well as our dictator didn't agree), China, Islamists and opposition groups in the country.
Hasina put war criminals on trial, made many economic and structural developments in the country and I admit that no one has made as much development in Bangladesh as she had. What she failed to do in the middle of making surface level reforms is that she failed to control, let alone eradicate, the rot within - the Islamic influence, fundamentalism & corruption that had grown in the years since 1975. In fact! She slowly became someone who made the gravest sin of appeasing religious fundamentalists by giving in to some of their obnoxious demands at times & creating madrasas (yuck) instead of schools and science theatres, letting the poison grow from grassroot level & now...I dunno how it can be eradicated. She swang both left and right and that is not how a party survives. You have to stay true to your left ideologies which she slightly deviated from, corrupted her party and became so arrogant that she thought she'll rule forever. Hasina has been a dictator, rigged voting systems, curbed freedom of speech. Hasina became someone who also couldn't stand opposing views & had a tendency to use police force. Islamists, millitants and outside forces took the advantage of exactly those things and her arrogance, infiltrated the protests (the quota movement started it all in July 2024 but little did the public know that it had nothing to do with quota and all to bring down the government) and killed actual, real innocent students and cops and blamed it on Hasina for killing masses. There are several reports of how the bullets used to kill students were not the ones used by the police and they are all buried. What Hasina did was that she couldn't realise the conspiracy before it was too late. She was so out of touch with the reality that her party was losing support and I'm like - is this how a politician runs the country? Shouldn't they be careful? Informed? Strategic? Tactful? What have they learnt then! But again she is an unhealed person. She never took therapy for the fact that her entire family was assassinated by a traitor, power-hungry army. Her turning the internet off made things worse. The anger the public had for the loss of voting rights & other fair reasons was massively used by the infiltrators to garner sympathy, create a false picture that Hasina ordered police to kill masses and made the public come down to streets. What I said about Hasina letting the fundamentalism poison spread instead of education - this is why the public can't critically think, isn't politically aware, lives on emotion instead of ration and never thinks long-term. The public today is so dumb and politically illiterate that it got easily influenced by the seeds/descendants of the war criminals that I mentioned earlier and without verifying any news, overthrew the only government (despite being a dictator) that believes in the existence of this country. Yes, there is only one party who genuinely does & they freed the country being in front.
I don't know what your views are on religion and I find it mannerless/ungraceful to ask people about their faith because it's their personal matter and people are free to believe what they want, but I'd like to share about mine. I'm an agnostic theist. I don't consider myself Muslim. I reject Islam, but I respect people who follow it (moderately & humanely) and I have absolute respect for all other religions. My family is so dysfunctional and toxic but one thing I'm eternally grateful for is that I come from a very secular family who never gave me any religious upbringing, let me specify - Islamic upbringing, let alone force that religion on me so that made me a person who had the door of critical thinking open in my mind and I'm immune to getting brainwashed. My family taught me the right side of our history and instilled patriotism in me. I kept my dignity and didn't participate in the protests like those brain dead public last year because I saw it for what it really was, and I was right. But there are people totally opposite than me & I'm scared. I'm scared my country is heading towards a wrong direction.
My conscience and morality are becoming my own enemies which is why the attempts to erase our Liberation War, independence, identity, culture, founding father; the ring-wing extremist forces in power and constant attacks on minorities and innocent people are breaking my heart and massively impacting my brain and focus.
Hasina herself didn't plan long term and just focussed on surface level reforms and her arrogance. So the combination of all these things at the wrong time led to the dangerous path my country is in right now. My heart breaks for minorities and innocents. I'm sorry I'm probably boring you with the details of a really small country in the world that no one gives a damn of or should but I have to make you know the reality.
At so many times, I feel she needed this lesson. The same Islamists she tried to please to secure her vote bank today want her hanged. Her arrogance was the reason of her downfall. She didn't reform the education system or instill critical thinking skills & loyalty to the public and made only surface level developments. I admit no one has made economic and structural developments of this country as much as she has but is that enough? What about the rot in society? Who will develop it? So yes maybe she needed this lesson but I also know that she never sold the country off like many *** here may say. The interim government is selling the country off. And as much issues as I have with Hasina's party, Bangladesh cannot survive without it. It needs a reformed Awami League (Hasina's party) but I don't know if that will happen. I want them to rise because it's a party older than the country & is the lesser of the other poisons. I'd take dictatorship over terrorism anyday. The dirtiest politics is the politics of my country. Idk why I even talk about it. I feel like an idiot.
Now the country is being run by a foul interim government, backed by right wing forces, who is releasing criminals and maintains a total lawless society, supported by mobs, thugs and extremists. I don't want the elections to happen any sooner because the treacherous, brainless, religiously influenced public broke my heart last year and who knows what demon they'll vote for. The dictator government is out, the opposition party (even tho I hate them) is directionless, so when people don't find the democratic parties better, they may turn to extremists and THAT'S WHAT I FEAR. They cannot make a party win that is associated with war criminals. No. All my point is, my ancestors and founding father didn't lose blood to have this country hijacked by the very extremist forces it got independence from. Unfortunately, some of their seeds remained here. And they grew so much - no I don't want the elections now. But I also don't like the limbo we are in now. I can't say what the public wants. Whether many regret what they did last year or not, whether they want to make it Afghanistan or not or whether they will resist it in future - nothing. I am just deeply worried. One thing you should know, I love my land, the history, the independence, the values it was founded upon, the Bengali culture, the food but not the people now. I know a nation means its people but one can't love them when they regress so much and feel alien. I am unlucky that in my case, when I say I love my country, it only means being patriotic to the land, identity and its ideologies. I hate the people for what they did. I hate their fundamentalism. I hate their propaganda. I hate their betrayal. I will never forgive them.
So this is my situation. I doom-scroll about news which I want to stop but am failing to because it's addictive. It's not healthy but everyday I stalk to just find one glimpse of hope, and many times I do too but I try to curb it down because of the fear of being heartbroken like last year. Maybe nothing will change and this country is doomed. My personal life should be my priority & I need to immerse myself into it. It is just difficult to find peace when you have to watch demons winning everyday. I wish I could be as free and unaffected as my peers are. Man they are so free. I ALMOST FEEL STATELESS. I feel like I have no community or countrymen. I miss feeling safe. I miss not seeing anti-liberation posters. Even though I'm not being harmed or having my personal freedom compromised, what is happening around me is making my conscious heart break down. I dunno how to deal with it. I dunno if I should talk to my Indian therapist for it but she is not Bangladeshi, she may not connect with my pain. I don't know what coping skills would be effective here. I dunno where to drown my head so my attention gets diverted. I dunno how to build my own litte comfort space to be in for the next 2 years. I'm failing to desensitise myself from the current events of Bangladesh. I cry. I mourn. I'm stuck with this stupid patriotic soul. I need to stay sane and flexible for my studies. But how do I do that, Dawn. How? I don't want the elections now. I also don't want anything escalating in this country that will postpone my exams, causing further academic gap. I don't want to face visa restrictions when I want to go abroad after 2027. I don't want my country to turn into Iraq/Syria/Afghanistan. My father is hopefuless so his coping mechanism is also saying negative things that this country will become like those countries even tho he himself doesn't want that, statements which trigger me even more. Because despite everything, some voice in my heart keeps telling me that a country with such history cannot be so easily overtaken by terrorists and history has been proof that everytime they tried to bury it, the ruling party and its ideologies rose from the ashes. And I want to believe in that. I want to believe that this is not forever. That it is not the end, because politics doesn't have an end. I want to believe in karma and that it will not keep anything imbalanced. That they will pay. Please.
I have started journaling, and the good thing is, I put it all in my journal. To get clarity on my thoughts and how I really feel about this depraved society. It cleared up some things and made me feel lighter. But some grief is still there as to why I'm stuck with these people. In awful place like Dhaka with all its traffic jams, pollution and chaos & recently, the symbols of oppression (burqa, niqab and right-wing parties banners). I am sorry, Dawn, if I'm coming across as someone who doesn't believe in the free will of women - which is not me! Yes, people are allowed to wear whatever they want but it's my personal faith that these "religious outfits" are oppressive for most of the part of the Muslim world and women are brainwashed. I mean! Look at Iran, Afghanistan. I'm not like those liberals who, in fear of getting called "Islamophobic" happily accept these. They can call me wherever they want. I don't care. Maturity has hit in that I abandon political correctness now and don't want to be as considerate towards feelings I don't resonate to. I call it out for what it is, esp after the chaos started in my country from 2024. I wish I could be more vocal outside but that would bring risk for my safety. Plus! Those outfits aren't part or native to my glorious Bengali culture! Even some major Muslim-majority countries banned these outfits and here I see some people all covered in black from head to toe IN THIS OBNOXIOUS HEAT and I just feel so awkward, alien and question - are they really so scared of "going to *** if they don't wear these outfits" - which is the common belief that works inside them. As if the mighty supreme power, God, ever cares about these childish things. I'm a highly progressive person and I believe that people should upgrade themselves with time, women should be comfortable in their bodies and not consider them something shameful that needs to be hidden. These are my personal beliefs, and I'm not apologetic for them anymore because it's also not like I'm going out to them, attacking them for why they are wearing it. I'm not violating any boundaries. I just look, question to myself, hate it, then ignore them. So these are some of the things that remain in my mind constantly. I'm sorry if I seem like a bad person to you now. I don't want that. I just...crave for a more liberal society, more free-spirited minds, diverse opinions, no vulgar displays of emotions and fundamentalism. Even tho I know it's not safe to say things outside, some of my classmates aren't people who don't create a space for such discussions and in classes like Psychology and English we are bound to talk about these things. So what I subtly do is try to raise some amount of awareness without risking my safety and make them... think? It's not like they'll stab me. Because that's all the resistance I can do.
I am doing okay, but still kind of on an up and down elevator in terms of my energy and I am rarely sure when I will go down again. Evenings are usually harder and that is when I write here so I will go through your longer message a little at a time I think. It has lots of good stuff in it so I want to take my time.
First of all, I understand completely your overall frustration at politics in your country. I most definitely feel the same way about my country especially in the level of cruelty since the election of Trump. It easily leads me to despair on a regular basis. Before delving into your details here, let me give a practical tip that really helps me deal with the combination of depression and anxiety that have worsened with the news. I only read and doom scroll every other day, not every day. I know what is happening and how bad it is even when I don't look daily. It has really transformed my ability to handle the situation because I am giving my brain that short break. You might consider trying it.
I do know minimal amounts about the history of Bangladesh but you are obviously teaching me much more since it isn't my area of expertise. When I usually think about your country it is in terms of the poverty caused by Western imperialism and the dangers of environmental degradation there. What I don't know much about is the actual political leadership. So thanks for telling me some of that history.
There are strong similarities here. Evil thoughts based in hatred and fear lurk in the soil. Right wing leaning people are easily manipulated into supporting those older, nasty histories when they start fearing change that might alter their basis of power and make them vulnerable. All of this is manipulated in a way by outsiders which makes things even tougher to control.
Ok, I need to stop for tonight. I will continue with the paragraph "Hasina put war criminals on trial" when I come back in a day or two. I am enjoying the reading, but it will just take me a while. Thanks for being patient. @querencia798
Thank you for your message (and future messages). Yes, you can take your time to answer it carefully - it's much better.
I do understand the agony of having Trump there. Everyone knows he is ***. Actually I have issues with all the US presidents because they try to meddle in every country and now in 2024 my region has been destabilised. I blame my people too but it's all too much. While I agree with the comparison, this part of the world wins in chaos and hatred because people aren't educated enough in this country. This is why they fell under propaganda/conspiracy so easily. You are talking about environmental degradation. I'd say the moral degradation is far worse here.
I'm keeping your idea of doom-scrolling only every other day in mind.
Like I said, you can continue taking your time. Thank you for just replying only. And Dawn, you'll get better and regain all the energy that you don't feel now. You'll be okay.❤️
It's completely alright! Your health first. No pressure! Sending you lots of healing energies and my love.
I am going to try to add a little more here tonight. Just to give you an idea of my current schedule and why my responses are briefer: I keep trying to find ways to mini rest. But yesterday was 50 emails, 2 hours of teaching, a mentor meeting and proctoring a foreign language placement exam. Today was 3 hours of teaching, 2 mentor meetings, and 2 hours at a booth trying to convince students to join a mental health wellness class. Tomorrow is 3 hours of teaching, a field trip to a retirement community and 4 mentor meetings. Still dealing with headaches, exhaustion and dizziness. Today the vision piece was a bit harder again too.
I am going back to your longer message so I don't miss anything. It does sound like Hasina became corrupted by power over time. It is hard when someone you respect as a leader starts to change and we can't entirely understand the reason why. Politicians should be informed but sometimes they end up only listening to those closest to them, especially if they have been in power for a while. So they can miss conspiracies and the like. And with trauma like she has experienced figuring out who to trust is a very dicey business. Often they end up leaning on just a few people because to spread that circle wider seems threatening. Therapy can very clearly help us all if we are willing to engage with it, even political leaders.
It is hard to create critical thinking and political awareness. It is what I try to do as a college professor and our country is also caught in a similar web. For me the key is continuing to try with people everywhere. It is better than throwing your hands up in despair.
I can totally understand your distaste for religious fundamentalism and your happiness in being brought up secular. It can indeed be dangerous. But as you said, not all religious people are fundamentalist. It is also slightly dangerous to think "I am immune to getting brainwashed" because you have been taught to think critically. I teach critical thinking but I know that I can still be brainwashed. There are always angles that I am missing and arguments that I shouldn't fall for. I like to think of it more as "I will always reevaluate every claim I make to see if I am actually thinking critically and not being brainwashed." We always have new stuff to learn.
I will start again in two nights with the paragraph "My conscience and morality"
@querencia798
Dawn I dunno what you are made of because that kind of routine every day is not only a nightmare but only some can manage it effectively without losing their mind. You try to hold on to your calmness (at least as far as I can see here). You are very strong and inspiring, although I wish your routine would have been a little merciful. Why is it like that? Is it because that the workload increases because you have experience and your portfolio gets larger? Or do they make you they slog unfairly? I am sorry I'm asking childish questions but I really have little idea about the system of working in a profession and how much of it is fair or unfair compared to the pay. So I ask questions to clear my understanding.
I only hope the intensity reduces, even if a little, and then use that time to take rest and not reply to me or anything else. Even if take a month to completely reply to this particular text, it's no issue. Your health should be your first ptiority. I'm here, and sending you my hugs and a lot of healing energy.
Actually you're right. It is dumb to think like that because my brain may take some ideas it shouldn't and what you said about the thinking I should have instead of that is important. I agree. I'll just try to hold on to my conscience, question and reevaluate every claim I make or everything that comes my way. I'll start internalising it within me. I really thank you for correcting me here. It is such times I highly need and value the guidance of a teacher. I hope you keep pointing out my mistakes or any flaw in thinking whenever you see them. Please take care, and no pressure to reply soon! ❤️
I can see the second message but I am going to wait another day or two to answer it. It has nothing to do with length. It is just that I am reaching the evening really exhausted at this point and I can't think all that straight. I have just spent three days in training about 6 hours a day. Tomorrow I start teaching which is going to be extra intense for the next few weeks because I am not back to full strength at all. But I keep trying.
I love how you described the classes above. You are actually really enjoying the journey of education which i thought you would. You light up in the classroom and I am glad that you are even liking the business coursework. The defeatist voices will remain for a bit but you are figuing out ways to overcome them by focusing on the work and the classes. They will fade as you continue to have success. @querencia798
Thank you so much, Dawn. Yes, I do enjoy education. Keep supporting me like this always.
I'm really sorry for this exhaustion you are having to feel when you are not even at your best yet. Please take rest in between. And no worries, you can reply to my second message when you can think straight and if that takes a couple of days, it's absolutely okay. Just do reply to it later on. No pressure for the time. I hope you recover. Take care. ❤️❤️
Going to start a new thread so it doesn't get too small.
First a few answers to your own questions about me. It is this busy every year, but it only lasts usually the month of August. So I know it is coming and usually do okay with it. Having surgery on July 22 is what threw a wrench into the usual plan. I have gotten help when I have asked. My supervisor has taught a few hours of my class, a friend came on the field trip and another colleague helped at the booth when I was no longer thinking clearly. My husband brought a large screen TV as a monitor for my computer so I could see better for my meetings. So I am surviving. This weekend will hopefully be a little easier since I just have to grade, do normal chores, and have a few hours of meetings with students at school each day. The meetings will begin to decrease by the middle of next week when my students register for classes for their next semester. I help each of them with their selections. Is the pay unfair? Overall, yes because I am not on the regular tenure track. But right now they are paying for my sons' education so I consider it worth it. I also love helping students chose classes and find their way at college. I will get better eventually. I just must rest when I can and that is on me to do and not take the world on my shoulders.
What I wrote before about the critical thinking wasn't meant as a criticism of your thinking really. You are clearly doing more thinking than most people. Putting yourself into the shoes of someone who you disagree with strongly is really hard. I have an acquaintance who is a strong Trump supporter. I decided to engage her a bit in a discussion about why she thought the way she did. I started out the discussion thinking I would change her mind. I think that I have put some doubts in there, but she has also put some doubts in my way of thinking. So it is really healthy for both of us. Right now I have kind of cut that discussion out because of the surgery recovery, but when I am feeling better I may try again.
Ok. two mini paragraphs from your piece. I will stop at "At so many times". I don't think our conscience and morality are ever our enemy. Yes, they can cause lots of pain and discomfort. But that pain is part of being alive and being a good person. You will sometimes lose focus and have a broken heart (hence my every other day thing with the reading the news), but knowing you are trying and thinking are your saving grace. They are the only thing you fully control and they are indeed what can change the world. Always feel for the small, the minority, the disenfranchised. All of the world is a small corner eventually. You work in your small corner to bring peace and caring. That is what matters. We cannot do it all, but we can make our corner brighter. There are many more people on your side who want to change the world like you do than you think. You just have to find them.
Ok, I am going to try to do just a little more tonight. I am still in the rough part of the term. I went back and realized that I had figured wrong. It is actually 18 days without a day off. But after course registration tomorrow and Thursday things should be easier.
I can understand your frustration with Hasina and the ways in which she compromised her own values and only partially achieved things. I do feel reforming an education system and teaching critical thinking skills are hard to do unless you commit fully and really listen to and respect those who don't have those skills to begin with. Otherwise they get even angrier. You are in no way an idiot here. Things feel backwards now but losing hope isn't an option. You just keep trying to get people to see the light one person at a time.
I will start with the "Now the country is being run" paragraph next time. Sorry to keep things a little shorter for now.
So course registration is finally done with just a few mishaps where students didn't take my advice. I will try to get to another paragraph or so of your piece.
I am working on the paragraph "Now this country is being run"... I can understand your fear of extremism and fear of a possible election. I also have my fears here. But I guess I believe that people can always grow even a little and can change their minds. If what you currently have is bad enough hopefully enough people will see the light and do minimally more critical thinking. That's what I have to hope for my country as well as things get worse and worse. You can love your country and hate the people currently in power. I feel the same about my own land. You don't have to forgive those who you feel have gone the wrong way and have ruined things. But ultimately their numbers are probably small. Those who are currently indifferent and self-absorbed are greater. Those are the minds that can be turned.
Ok, I think I can basically do one paragraph a night. So just two to go. I am getting there. I hope all is well with you.
Luckily today and tomorrow I don't have to be on campus, but I am doing lots of catch up work (along with a little rest) around the house.
Ok, so the paragraph about doom scrolling. I am hoping that what I suggested earlier in only looking every other day at news is helping you a bit. I totally agree that reading any news right now is really hard when you want to know and try to do something but you also know that your personal mental health has to take priority, I know that makes me feel guilty and like I am not doing enough but if I have to have enough strength for the fight for hope and justice. That only comes if I am not dwelling in the despair realm of the news.
Your peers aren't paying attention. That is why they look free. But they are not. They are actually the guilty ones and it will come back and get them. In my Imagining Justice class we start with a poem by Emily Dickinson that says hope is a thing with feathers. Then we compare them to another poet who says "No Emily, hope is a sewer rat." What the poem is basically saying (you can find both easily online) is that hope is something you have to fight for from the trenches of reality. You aren't stateless and your country isn't doomed. You just have to keep fighting for the hope. You cry, you mourn, and you get back up and try again.
None of this needs to derail your studies. You know to do your best with the skills you have. Do tell your therapist. Her answer might not be perfect, but I bet that she will understand.
Ok, next time I will finish with the final paragraph on journaling.
So sorry to wait just another two nights to finish. It has been a rough day with 3 hours teaching, 3 hours of a meeting, followed by hours of constipation and bowel issues.
Ok, I am well enough to finish, yay! I also had a good visit with the eye doctor today and things seem to be healing.
So your final paragraph: It is great that you are journaling and you find it brings you clarity and peace. It does that for a lot of people. There should be some grief in what you write and there is no shame in that. The question of clothing is always a hard one. Where exactly does free will begin and end? For some people wearing such things is a sign of devotion that brings them peace (it doesn't just have to be a fear of God's wrath), but not so for others obviously. Thus such clothes feel like an understandable symbol of oppression to you because you don't want to have to wear them. It might be a little easier to focus on them as a hated symbol rather than on the woman wearing them. That way you can see the woman as a person who is worthy of getting to know. Talking to those we fear can help us understand better and help them open up to new ideas as well.
I am most definitely a feminist and you have no need to apologize for being one as well. I recognize that women live in a world of oppression and fear throughout the globe and that men using clothing as a form of that oppression and women buy into it. I am strongly opposed to this, but I also recognize each situation is different and that you can only change one individual at a time. So I get to know people on an individual basis, even those I oppose. It makes be feel more hopeful and active.
I love the idea of speaking up in class. Those are really critical moments and I have them in my class all the time. We do lots of practice in dealing with different opinions. I always tell the silent ones that the class misses out when they don't bring up the opposing point of view because it keeps us from learning from one another. Most of my students are very liberal so I have to convince the more conservative ones that their voice matters too. It is all a matter of careful listening and really thinking about what you are going to say.
You are doing a great job. You are resisting that which you fear even when you think you are not.
@bestVase7265
Dawn. First and foremost I'm extremely extremely sorry for being MIA for around 20 days. I feel really guilty. I know you wouldn't mind but I do. Because 7 cups, esp you and Pond are the only people who really understand my language, give me unbreakable support and create this breathable space for me where the noise doesn't reach and I feel some mental peace. And I deprived myself of that in the past couple of days! All because I felt like a headless chicken who didn't know how to function under the absolute stress that I've felt in terms of academics for the most part. It drained me. And it is still draining me. Juggling between 3 subjects with so much content is not easy. Business topic test every 2 weeks kept me occupied that I didn't focus much on Psychology from the start. Now I'm getting done with covering the last month's content so I can stay on track. English is the most demanding and while I wouldn't drop it ofc, it terrifies me how I'm still not able to do enough practice. I'm failing to give all of them equal focus! I'm still strugling to balance but I am at it. I haven't given up. To be honest with you, I REALLY REALLY enjoy the learning process. Every new knowledge that I'm getting from my subjects fills me with joy. It's just the goal/exam that is making me panic.
A week ago I fell sick because of rain but I got better soon too. I thought I'd come back here only with a free mind after I'm done making my notes. Am I done? No. But I'm drained and I need the people who hold on to me in difficult times. I realised I always do this annoying thing - burn myself out thinking I'll be free all at once which doesn't happen.
So please forgive me, and I feel really grateful for how much effort you put into not only staying connected but also giving such in-depth replies to that exhaustingly lengthy message of mine. I resonated with some parts so much that I saved screenshots of your replies to keep as reminders. I'm pleased to hear the healing part, and also that you do have supportive people around. How is your eye now? How is your health? Are you getting the time to relax?
What you said about opposing views is something I agree to as well. My only issue is that I personally find it obnoxiously difficult to maintain my composure in front of these...enablers, let alone uncivilised opposing voices who neither think nor show as much respect as people in your circle may do. You can't talk with hateful people. While I stay away from them, it doesn't mean I have given up. I do talk to my friends and we debate. They ain't bigots and even if they have some uncomfortable views like any normal human being, I like to know why. There I do the work like you. But because they know how to remain civil as well.
Thank you for grasping my emotions so perfectly without any judgement. I followed your advise on the news thing. I did feel better some days. Losing hope is not an option - indeed. It's all I have. There's so much to talk about - be that about my country or my study method. But I can do that slowly while you reply because we'll keep talking, right?
First of all, granting one another grace is the only way to do this thing, right? I wasn't the least bit upset at the lack of reply because I knew that you would get back when you could.
I am very, very with you on the stress part of things and school. I am teaching a course overload this semester and have 1/3 more students than usual. I don't know how I am going to keep up. But I survived week 1 and am not behind yet. That has to be enough.
It is very hard to juggle, but we do our best. My eye continues to heal but it will be a year before I can exactly tell any permanent damage. However, I am also dealing with my dad's health decline. He is 93 and on Monday he had a heart attack and ended up in intensive care at the hospital. We were pretty sure he was going to not be with us much longer and were preparing to bring him back to his small room at assisted living for hospice care. But then he rallied and now they are insisting that he go for rehabilitation instead. It has been lots of ups and downs and there is no end in sight.
So neither of us can look down at the pile too long or wonder at the tests ahead. We deal with the day to day and we take breaks, okay? You will do your best school work if you take breaks from it on a fairly regular basis. Set aside some time each day or every other day for your mental health. Small breaks are much easier to achieve than big ones. @querencia798
I'm extremely sorry to hear about your dad. People say it's supposed to happen in these ages but it is never easy to see your parents going through this stage no matter how strong you are. Actually, it's what I feel personally. I just cannot imagine this despite knowing that we don't live forever. They say it's hard to see our loved ones in pain when they are very old, which may be true and I don't trivialise their pain, but I also think that it's something fortunate to have your parents still around at that age. I have the most ridiculous parents, sure, but this is a connection I can never break. I still feel so unprepared for life so I highly appreciate people who manage these ups and downs. So, I appreciate YOU, Dawn. You work hard. You are strong. And so admirable. I'm only sending you best wishes and healing for you and your dad and famiy. Along with love and prayers.
You are right about small breaks and dealing with the day to day. I would tell you about my study method in some detail (not that crazy long paragraph again) in my next reply so you can let me know if I'm going wrong somewhere. I'm keeping it light today. I just wanna say that I did make a post on 7cups last night because I was having a burnout episode but the replies aren't very helpful, I felt.
Thanks for the good wishes and prayers. They are much appreciated. My father is now at the nursing home and we will see how that goes.
I am not always strong and that is okay too. At the moment I get angry and frustrated more easily than usual, but I am trying to grant myself grace.
You keep granting yourself a little time and grace too. When you feel overwhelmed then feel free to vent right here. I know it takes a while for me to respond, but I will definitely do so. You are going to get through all of this one step at a time. I am so glad that you enjoy the classroom. It is the journey and not the destination they always say. @querencia798
You're the voice of sanity, logic and maturity in my life. How are you doing right now? Anything planned? Let me know.
I know you'll come to always respond. So will I. A few days ago I was really panicking and breaking down because of the study pressure. Dawn, balancing between 3 A-level subjects feels very hard. A-levels aren't also like some other curriculums where you'll study 7-10 subjects to pass. Despite requiring only 3 subjects, the in-depth and vast amount of content makes A-levels stressful. Let me tell you about my way of studying, as I mentioned the other day that I will.
I actually can't live without structure. I have always been someone who never relied completely on her teacher and their resources only. I always learned the content on my own by researching from various sources, ensuring not a single knowledge gap remains and even the tiniest nuances are known. After that I make thorough, detailed notes that are exam-friendly, in order to make them the only thing I need before exam. And making those notes creates the structure that helps me grasp the content and keep it in my mind which I would otherwise find very scattered. After that I can start peacticing questions or past papers confidently and if I freeze somewhere I can just look into my notes once and then resume. But if I already start question papers without my notes, I freeze and nothing comes to my mind for writing. So isn't it a failure either way? Isn't it better that I get done with my notes first? Now the thing is that that note-making takes a LOT of time and I'm only a human who has to sleep and eat too. So it takes longer and this is making me panic and question all my abilities.
1) I question if I am wasting time? I question if I am wasting time chasing any perfection too! But I don't feel comfortable completely calling it perfection because it's not really perfection I chase, it's clarity and I do it my way. Yes it may happen that sometimes my OCD spills but I'm not sure if I am entirely acting on OCD when making notes. So I have my doubts there too.
2) I question if my study method is unsuitable and inefficient because I'm needing a lot of time to learn and make notes. So much so that I'm not only NOT solving question papers but also skipping English Language classes because the pressure on me feels too much in a day and I struggle with balance. Hence I've been feeling terrified about English these days because I haven't made notes on that subject (I know it sounds strange because English is skill-based and different from other subjects but notes on the language frameworks and their effects would help me, I think) and hence delaying practicing actual past papers. Some may tell me "oh my god what the *** are you doing wasting so much time in notemaking while letting time and days just go by without actually applying information!" And that creates self-doubt and extreme panic. Because what if it's true? What if the study method that has always helped me shouldn't be applied in A-levels? What if at the end of the day I'll just remain with my "perfect notes", but without having learned how to actually apply that knowledge on paper? Then it would make me guilty and ashamed. I would fail. But if I start just opening the book and practicing I would feel confused and waste time too.
So I'm in a blatant turmoil. I don't know what I should do. Should I keep making notes or should I start practicing already? Or should I do both in balance? If the latter THEN HOW??? Because I don't have enough time left in the day and I often have to face burnouts. What should I do?
I often like to think that I'm being strategic taking this time for learning and creating my base so that I don't ever have to look back to research or rush before exam but don't let this influence your response in any way, Dawn. Advise me as a teacher. Unbiased. Understanding me completely. Even if needed, give me unfiltered opinion and harsh truths if I'm missing any. But please help me. Tell me what will be the smart approach. Then tell me how to balance. A routine, perhaps. Tell me what to do with this doubt and panic.
Lastly, can you help me with English? There are 2 units (2 papers) in the first year. Each paper consists of 2 writing tasks. So 4 writing tasks in total. And I'm still stuck in the first section. I haven't even touched the other 3. And it’s alreasdy September.
@bestVase7265 I also forgot to mention - when I shared this with my sister (ofc not in this much detail because 1) do we even share that bond lol? 2) I now avoid going into emotional depth with her because I would only get rejection and negativity. So I kept it short. 10 secs max conveying how I'm doubting my study methods/habit), she told me "oh i dont think there's any need of specificity and oh notes are only references, highlighting the key ideas"
I didn't understand what she really meant by that. But I guess it's something I wouldn't like. What, that I randomly scribble some things and be done? She clearly trivialises everything and doesn't even bother to look at anything from my lenses.
👆👆 Above this message lies my first reply. I'm letting you know with emoji and tagging so you don't miss the first one, which happens at times with people here.
I am so sorry, but I am going to need a little time to respond again. It has NOTHING to do with the length of your message. You are asking solid questions.
But they told us today that my dad should go on hospice care and get ready to die. My dad is saying no and my sister who lives far away doesn't want him to go either. So I am trying balance everything and I am highly, highly stressed.
Hopefully things will be better in 2 days or at least we will have a better idea of the direction things will go next. I will be back. @querencia798
Dawn. To *** with my messages. Your family is first! I'm really really sorry. I personally know a few such cases myself where things suddenly takes another turn. It's not an easy situation. Be strong, I'm here. You are not alone. I hope you get the clarity. Take as many days as you need. Don't worry about my messages please. They can be answered later. Please take care and keep me updated.
I will keep things short for the next little bit, but I will still keep checking every other day. I am hoping that we can get some clarity on where dad will be moved and when during a meeting tomorrow. Thanks for the support. @querencia798
Hey, what did they say?
He was moved back today to his assisted living facility but with end of life care only. This is a blessing so he no longer has to deal with the stress of the hospital. He is 93 so it is okay. We will see how he settles in. It could be a long time or a short one. But a more stable pattern will be better on all of us. We are just exhausted. @querencia798
Whatever gives comfort to your dad, really. I know he's old so it isn't easy but whatever gives him even slight relief needs to be done for him. It isn't easy for you either. Caregiving is hard for sure. But also the emotional weight that such times bring - please be strong and I know I'm young and may not give the best support or say the perfect words but I'm always here if you want to speak your heart out. I hope your husband gives you that emotional support? Who else is in your family, if you don't mind me asking? Mom? Any other sibling than your sister? Take care, praying for you.
My husband and three sons are excellent support, but I only have the one sister. She is visiting this weekend and I am staying away. She is quite dramatic and I think this will be hard on her. I need to not be absorbing all of her grief. I will call regularly and I hope that will be enough.
He is definitely in bed now and that will be hard on my sister because she didn't want to necessarily see him that way. My mother is so exhausted that she is ready for him to pass into the next life. @querencia798
I can feel your sister. It is not easy for either of you and it is exhausting too. I'm glad to know your family is supportive at least. I'm sending you a tight hug.🫂❤️
Thanks. Not much has changed beyond him weakening a bit further. But it was better that I wasn't there this weekend. I will probably go next weekend.
I will continue to wait a bit on answering anything longer. But I am here for shorter stuff. @querencia798
I understand. You don’t need to worry. You will answer when you are in the headspace. Right now, I just wish I could offer you more solace as a friend. It's times like this I feel really bad and ashamed of my inability of doing it like my older friends, which include you, do for me. It's really my deepest wish that only that, which gives you and your dad comfort, happens. I know he's old. But I still wish he gets some relief and gets better. But I understand the complications. I really wish I could hug you. Nothing I can say will help you 100% and I'm absolutely sorry for this Dawn.
You are doing exactly all that you can do and I thank you for it. You know the value of listening and offering support. That is always enough.
This is a slow journey that's for sure. We will see how he is tomorrow. @querencia798
❤️🫂 I'll try. You can let me know the updates. I'm here.
Thanks! Sorry that I missed a day. Not much has changed but I needed a break. I will visit them tomorrow and I hope that goes okay. @querencia798
Don't be sorry at all. Give yourself breaks. Let me know how it goes. May your difficult time passes and you guys recover.
Still here on my roller coaster. I am hoping that you are doing okay with your classes. I am thinking of you. @querencia798
Don't feel bad for answering me later do you understand! I have had my awful phase, yours is more serious. I cannot express how I feel hearing you go through this, seeing him like that and your father in pain. I wish I could take it away. My heart goes out to your dad, you and your family. I want to do more. I wish I were in person to hug you. Please know I'm here. If anything, I should be sorry for replying after 5 days. I was unwell in bed, but I'm okay. I'm always here, Dawn. I pray to God. I hope your closest are there to hold you. I'm sending you my love, strength and healing.
Thank you. This is quite the process.
But I am so sorry that you have been ill and having a rough time. I send my peace as well. We just do it all one step at a time.
Don't look down at the pile and do what is in front of you. That is my mantra at the moment with a little over 200 5-8 page papers to grade by December on top of all the stuff with my dad. I got done the first four today. I will get done four tomorrow. It will all get done eventually. @querencia798
You are so strong it's incredible. Yes, step by step we move. I just panic a lot. I have been failing to meet my deadlines for some study lessons and my body isn't supporting me because it's tired, always dealing with back pain and I have to take ibuprofen constantly. I just hope I don't fail or do badly. Plus my ocd is killing me. I want to keep strength and belief in me that I can do it. Sorry for sharing this when I really shouldn't add to your stuff but it was draining. I'm okay. Hopefull it'll be okay. Don't worry about it. I'm here for you.
Mini moments like this are just fine for right now. I can handle them. I will let you know when I can't. My dad is not doing much different though he is more tired today. My mom was too since my sister just visited. We will see how they both are on the phone tomorrow.
I am sorry that your OCD and back pain have been acting up. Neither of them are going to stop you, just slow you down a little occasionally. You can do this, again, one step at a time. I now have 12 papers graded so I am below the 200 mark. Just a few every day is going to hopefully make this doable. You are doing your best and I am doing my best. That is ALL that matters. @querencia798
Thank you for always boosting my confidence like a true friend. Your presence matters a lot in my life now. It just feels calming. I don't know what I'd do without a mature and supportive voice.
Keep letting me know about your days when you can. You are also a really dedicated teacher and it shows.
🫂❤️
Doing okay tonight? How are you? Thank you too for all your words of encouragement.
I am hoping classes continue to progress. I am into the next grading batch. slow but sure. We will go and see my dad tomorrow. His decline continues but he very much goes up and down. @querencia798
As usual. Okay, not so good. Goinf to the classes now. Today I'll only attend 2 out of the 3 - sometimes I do that when I'm extremely overwhelmed and feel there is too much in terms of academics to deal with. Makes me think how I'm gonna survive in future when I'll have things like advanced classes and work. That's in future but still makes me uneasy. I don't know if I can ever be properly functional. Internally panicking a lot for May 26 because I'm failing to give focus on my studies, don't know how much of it is rational. Enough about me.
It's tough going on with your routine when a loved one is in such phase. I'm here to cheer you and support you in everything. This will pass. I love you for your strength.🫂
How have things been for you lately?
My suggestion would be to focus on the now rather than on the next stage. It is the best way through and the only way to keep from being overwhelmed. Do your best to attend as many classes as possible even if you only sit there. It will make you feel like you are doing something and not getting behind. I know that the anxiety is hard, but you are doing it! You should be proud of what you have already accomplished.
I am also trying not to focus on the giant pile of work or what might happen with my dad. I can't predict the future. The only thing that I can do is say "I am not behind in my work yet" and "I talked to my parents" at the end of the day. With my own depression and anxiety really ramping up, I must believe that is enough.
Yup, doing it. Trying me to pull me back and keep going. I'm proud of you. How you advise the same thing you do is something I love. Sending you a tight hug. It will be okay.🫂❤️
It will be okay for both of us. Don't know when, but we can only really go up if we keep trying. @querencia798
Place your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder. There. You have my tight hug.❤️
That is beautiful. Sending one your way as well. @querencia798
💕 Wishing for you only good energies.
They are much appreciated. Heading into some work drama tomorrow that has me on edge (in addition to my dad dying, teaching the course overload, and having all the medical issues). I am truly exhausted. But all of my colleagues look pretty beat as well. @querencia798
Your dad? Which day? I'm sorry Dawn. I'm deeply sorry to hear this...
Sorry, I wasn't clear at all there. He is still in the process of dying. It is looking like somewhat sooner rather than later, but I really have no idea. I am a planner and it is difficult not knowing when anything will happen. Hopefully some of the medical stuff with me will start to head towards an answer tomorrow. Maybe the work stuff too. We will see. @querencia798
Oh I'm sorry. I was dumb. I hope you get a clear answer. I cannot imagine how depressing it is. It sucks with work pressure on top. Go slowly. I'm here, Dawn.
Actually, I really and truly wrote that wrong. I am one who made the mistake, not you. I hope that you are doing okay at your end.
For me, minor moves in some sort of direction on the work front (The person who I needed to confront finally got the piece that I wrote a month ago after it got held up a bit in Human Resources. Eventually an actual meeting will be scheduled) and the medical front (Yes, I do need to have more surgery, but minimal. Unluckily I have to wait probably another month to get through the surgery and get the results but it is a cancer screening and I have already spent two months waiting). Dad remains pretty much the same and we will visit this weekend. @querencia798
Cancer screening? *** I hope it is nothing like that!! This is worrisome. I wish I could take away your stress.
It is indeed a cancer screening but it is a "just to be sure" kind of scenario (so maybe a 1-3% chance). However, they are now making me wait until January 15th for surgery. So I will spend 5 months from the time of the original test in August not knowing. I am very frustrated at the moment. I have ranted a bit at them but I don't think it will do any good.
Sorry to vent at you. I hope things are going okay with school @querencia798
You are offending me saying this. This was not even a rant. You can vent to me however you like. Haven't I done that with you? Just pardon my lack of enough ability to give knowledge or advise like a mature friend sometimes, but my intention is to always do my best. I'm here for you. I am so sorry that you're having to wait on something which I think is serious enough. It's so unfair. But I really pray you don't have any serious condition and you remain fit, with good health. Nothing will happen to you.
School is going...okay. I'm panicking 24/7 lately and going through a lot of stress. I feel behind. Exams are in May. It's already November. I dunno if I should start panicking or hurrying and how much is justified. Psychology is content-heavy and I don't study until tests. Business forces me to make notes because it has topic tests every 2 weeks but I feel the most unprepared for English. I keep doubting if I made a wrong choice of taking it. 4 writing tasks. 2 in paper 1 and 2 in paper 2 and I'm still struggling with lesson 1 and there are 3 more to start. I feel done for. It's not that I don't feel guilty or find a lot of free time. I feel a lot of weight on me that I struggle to balance. The hours don't feel enough. I get OCD with making perfect notes. I feel exhausted. I am depressed & I crave dopamine which is why I drive into shows & videos & procrastination. My medicines have been reduced. I only have setraline, lowest dosage of clonazepam (idk why I still feel too sleepy and what goes on in my body) & a light form of antidepressant.
Well, this is what is called a rant. :( I'm sorry. Too much in my head.