37yo and feel depressed about everything

I don't really know where to start, but I'm pretty much overwhelmed with anxiety and feel like giving up.

Ever since turning 30 during the pandemic, memories from the past keep flooding back, and I wonder why tge heck was I like that.

Extremely shy, quiet, socially awkward, all my life could never hold a conversation! 

Been to therapy groups and volunteering,  still the same, if I'm not shy, I just haven't got anything to say.

I go on holiday to visit my relatives in the Philippines, and everytime I was there, in my 20s, would be like a shy kid, hardly get out of the house without someone coming with me, couldn't hardly grow up. Nowadays I wonder why I was so immature and had to be like that.

By my late 20s, my mom was concerned about me being on my own, so my cousins there would match make me with their friends, feeling overwhelmed, I rejected everyone, ghosted my cousins who were only trying to help, didn't show my anger but it was obvious by my attitude. 

Don't know why is that, why I was like that, they were just trying to help.

Because of my immaturity I made myself this way, sad and lonely,  no girlfriend, because 10 years ago I convinced myself I wanted to be forever alone.

Also wanted to travel the world and avoid settling down, but my insecure mind made it difficult and time went by so fast.

Now 37yo, my dad late 70s just had a heart operation, and has kidney issues causing weakness relies on me to help more on the family farm and mom who is old with health problems, life is much harder now than before.

Wished I saw this coming, it was pretty obvious.

I also been diagnosed with cancer, stage 2 colon cancer, and having issues with my other parts, having more physical health issues.

Spent much of my late 20s in and out of the doctors, convinced there was something wrong with me physically and spent too much time on the Internet. 

Now times like this make me feel sad and depressed that I wasted a lot of time in my life, doing things I never really enjoyed, being too socially awkward, getting taken advantage of in the past, and I'm scared of the future, being on this farm, all alone, I keep wishing I realised 10, 15 or 20 years ago that I'm getting older and running out of time, or wasting alot of time.

Because of the wayI am, people who know me here and where my mom is from in the Philippines treat me like I'm mentally slow, some like I'm weird,I already showed to them and so too late.

The whole cancer thing also makes me feel really down and scared and running regrets over and over in my head and scary thoughts of the future once treatment is over, if I make it.

I don't knkw how to just accept my fate and just carry on with the choices I made.

I feel so much regret.