A Day of Dissociating

It’s been a weird day. To ground myself, I decided to write about it here. 

It’s difficult to describe, but it’s been one of those skipping days – like, you’re watching a movie that keeps skipping forward suddenly and the scenes are disconnected and don’t quite make sense and you’re trying your best to follow along and make sense of it, but even focusing as hard as you are, feels like trying to do math when you’re drunk and sleep deprived. I know it’s a stress response to dissociate like this, and it’s a way for my brain to protect itself in some way, but I hate it, and I can’t seem to stop it. I didn’t opt in for this, this wasn’t chosen, and I’d like it to stop. 

So let’s take a ride through today. 

I was drunk last night, something my normal self would be very confused and concerned by - I don’t normally drink. It’s never a pleasant time, makes me feel bad, and I don’t enjoy it, so I just don’t normally drink. Maybe socially once or twice a year… modestly and carefully, but that’s it. 

This week, though, I’ve found myself blacking out twice and having nights like last night. 

I eventually fell asleep, which is good, which was needed. I slept 5 hours which is good, and very needed. Then woke up confused - you know, that spinning sensation, where you’re half in a dream still, but it’s disorienting and you can’t seem to refocus the lens? And then a deep voice pulled me in “Aren’t you running late? Didn’t you want to be out the door by 7:00 am today?” 

Oh ***, I thought. I think so. But I don’t remember why. I think it was important but I can’t remember. I always remember, I always know. Why can’t I remember what today is? 

“No, today is Friday. You had those appointments, remember?” The voice said, a little frustrated.

I thought: What? I thought it was Thursday - ***. Ok. ***. What happened to Thursday? Did I miss Thursday? Ok. Friday. What’s Friday. ***. I have stuff to do - i need to do it. Ok. Friday. 

I remembered and pulled myself in, though it felt like pulling a heavy lead weight from a deep water. I gathered what I could of myself and sped forward through the morning to the obligations. I wore my frumpiest outfit to hide the weight changes, and a long sleeve to hide the arms.

Car needed to be towed and sent to repair *check*

Check in on grandmother *check*

Visit friend in ER to support *check*

All the other things I'm behind on and drowning in: untouched

Then I guess the friend at the hospital needed some practical support so I found myself at a place across the city picking up pressed juice for her, her favorite soup.. Then at a grocery store checking out with more soups.. Then I was back at the hospital parking lot. A man walked beside me and made a joke about the weather being so hot and I heard it but it didn’t process and I tried to laugh anyway knowing that was the response he wanted and then I was in the hospital room with her. 

I gave her the juice and the soup and tried to calm her down and watched her eat it and tidied up the room and watched the doctors, nurses, friends, and family pass in and out - I guess I was there a while. I tried to stay in the conversations with her but I kept fading off like a student nodding asleep in class repeatedly. Thankfully she was heavily drugged and likely out of it too, but I wanted to be present with her and make sure she felt supported. I think after a while, maybe half the day, a friend of hers came in for a visit and I thought I'd give them time together and could feel myself slipping away, so hugs and "thank you"s, some music in the car, a text, and then I was back home. 

The angry man was there. He was riled up and such a loud storm of chaotic energy and I felt a whiplash and tried to lock in, if anything to protect and prevent. He was there for a lunch break and stressed and angry and needing to vent and take things out and whatever else. I tried to calm him and offer support and do what needed to be done. He was mad and yelling and then he was gone. I got a text “Sorry for being a butthead. Thank you for handling it” 

Then I was in bed with my dog. Not to sleep.. Or even rest.. Just to stop the spinning and wait it out somewhere safe. I haven’t eaten today, or had water, did I have any yesterday? I can’t remember. My arms are still stinging, my head still hurts, I’m still here - it will be ok. Right?

My alarm went off 45 minutes ago. It took me 15 minutes to figure out what it was for. I wanted to make sure I snapped back into it by then before he was back. Try to gather myself before plunging into the heavy night. So, I came here, and I’m gathering. 

Lately, I’ve been walking 15-20 miles a day to cope and breathe and it’s kept me grounded, but I guess I forgot today. I don’t even feel like me today. I hiked a lot yesterday, and I walked, and did gym.. I remember a panic attack at gym, trying to cheer people up here, but not much else. 

I’m trying to lock in. I’m trying to find myself. Ground myself. I know once I do the overwhelming feelings will flood back, and I'll lose control again in that way, but it’s better than this cloud and detachment I think. It's such a weird unpleasant state to be in and I feel crazy being in it. Maybe a walk will help pull me in. I'll try that.

So, that's today. A weird day of skipping and being detached.