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Drowning

Depression Support / by mapletreebubble

October 5th

Even Darkness Must Pass

Depression Support / by mapletreebubble

October 1st

Crazy Ramblings

Depression Support / by mapletreebubble

October 1st

...See more Not sure if I'm grateful anymore. I've tried. I've given it my best shot and thrown everything into it. I'm tired. I've exhausted my tools, I've fought the good fight, when do we decide if it's not worth it anymore? When do we decide it's a fools hope and whatever would follow just wouldn't he worth the struggle? When do we stop feeling like a burden all the time? I've been navigating it, I've been doing the things, I've not complained, I've kept positive and seen it as just a temporary obstacle to overcome... Just something to fight and survive and things will get better. But honestly, I'm just done. When is enough enough? When do we throw the towl in? I'm starting to hate the part of me that holds on. Literally all the evidence is stacked against you and you still choose this. You still stay. Stupid. Maybe all those impulses are there for a reason - maybe your brain knows it's had enough. Why fight it? You keep chalking it up to "just the illness talking" and "it's temporary lies" and "you'll think differently when you're on the other side of it" and "your brain needs time to adjust to being off meds" and "you've been through this before and you made it". Did I? I got on a bunch of prescription meds that made me an unfeeling zombie for 7 years. Sure, things looked fine on the surface - I checked the right boxes.. but I wasn't happy. I was muted. I smiled, I did the things, I made the friends, built the career.. but I was just going through the motions. I wasn't even really there - just a tiny little fraction of me in a muted detached state. Is that life? Being a passenger like that? Lets say you get through this again. You do what needs to be done and you survive - great. Then what? All the *** bandaids bullet hole patches come undone and we do it again in 10 years? Honestly? I justified surviving last time by telling myself one day I would make an impact and help others and my story and experience would help them not go through the same thing alone. I told myself it would all make me a stronger person and I would feel the good things in life all the more after experiencing such darkness.. i would really live and not just survive. I would be proud of the life I would build and all the suffering would mean something. The friendships I'd build would be more meaningful, the relationships stronger, the good days all the better, and I'd come out of it with wisdom and strength and hope enough to share. I think you have to tell yourself those things to get through it all... But it doesn't make it true or real. I thought maybe I was getting there, but then I got off meds and now I'm realizing how much of myself wasn't there. It's like I was watching a movie of myself and had a few buttons to make choices here and there and I still hurt when bad things happened but I would brush it off because the normally overactive alarms weren't going off.. and so bad things just kept happening and I just kept letting them and brushing them off.. and now that I'm awake, I feel the echos of everything that happened and I have all the subconscious reactions on repeat and it's just a lot. My brain is a lot. It's constantly going, constantly racing and yelling and it's just a mess. I can't get a moment of peace anymore. It's like continuously choosing torture in the most invasive way just for the chance that maybe everything won't fall apart while you're going through it and maybe you'll have time once it's over to make everything ok again and catch up. It feels like a losing gamble, even in the most optimistic way. Anyway, I know this all sounds crazy and unhinged and I apologize to anyone reading this. I am normally not a negative person and I don't normally complain or sound ungrateful and blahblahblah... I'm normally tolerable. Just felt like being open and unfiltered and I'm tired of pestering people directly and feeling so guilty about it. So here ya go, enjoy the crazy. 🥂

A Day of Dissociating

Depression Support / by mapletreebubble

September 12th

...See more It’s been a weird day. To ground myself, I decided to write about it here. It’s difficult to describe, but it’s been one of those skipping days – like, you’re watching a movie that keeps skipping forward suddenly and the scenes are disconnected and don’t quite make sense and you’re trying your best to follow along and make sense of it, but even focusing as hard as you are, feels like trying to do math when you’re drunk and sleep deprived. I know it’s a stress response to dissociate like this, and it’s a way for my brain to protect itself in some way, but I hate it, and I can’t seem to stop it. I didn’t opt in for this, this wasn’t chosen, and I’d like it to stop. So let’s take a ride through today. I was drunk last night, something my normal self would be very confused and concerned by - I don’t normally drink. It’s never a pleasant time, makes me feel bad, and I don’t enjoy it, so I just don’t normally drink. Maybe socially once or twice a year… modestly and carefully, but that’s it. This week, though, I’ve found myself blacking out twice and having nights like last night. I eventually fell asleep, which is good, which was needed. I slept 5 hours which is good, and very needed. Then woke up confused - you know, that spinning sensation, where you’re half in a dream still, but it’s disorienting and you can’t seem to refocus the lens? And then a deep voice pulled me in “Aren’t you running late? Didn’t you want to be out the door by 7:00 am today?” Oh ***, I thought. I think so. But I don’t remember why. I think it was important but I can’t remember. I always remember, I always know. Why can’t I remember what today is? “No, today is Friday. You had those appointments, remember?” The voice said, a little frustrated. I thought: What? I thought it was Thursday - ***. Ok. ***. What happened to Thursday? Did I miss Thursday? Ok. Friday. What’s Friday. ***. I have stuff to do - i need to do it. Ok. Friday. I remembered and pulled myself in, though it felt like pulling a heavy lead weight from a deep water. I gathered what I could of myself and sped forward through the morning to the obligations. I wore my frumpiest outfit to hide the weight changes, and a long sleeve to hide the arms. Car needed to be towed and sent to repair *check* Check in on grandmother *check* Visit friend in ER to support *check* All the other things I'm behind on and drowning in: untouched Then I guess the friend at the hospital needed some practical support so I found myself at a place across the city picking up pressed juice for her, her favorite soup.. Then at a grocery store checking out with more soups.. Then I was back at the hospital parking lot. A man walked beside me and made a joke about the weather being so hot and I heard it but it didn’t process and I tried to laugh anyway knowing that was the response he wanted and then I was in the hospital room with her. I gave her the juice and the soup and tried to calm her down and watched her eat it and tidied up the room and watched the doctors, nurses, friends, and family pass in and out - I guess I was there a while. I tried to stay in the conversations with her but I kept fading off like a student nodding asleep in class repeatedly. Thankfully she was heavily drugged and likely out of it too, but I wanted to be present with her and make sure she felt supported. I think after a while, maybe half the day, a friend of hers came in for a visit and I thought I'd give them time together and could feel myself slipping away, so hugs and "thank you"s, some music in the car, a text, and then I was back home. The angry man was there. He was riled up and such a loud storm of chaotic energy and I felt a whiplash and tried to lock in, if anything to protect and prevent. He was there for a lunch break and stressed and angry and needing to vent and take things out and whatever else. I tried to calm him and offer support and do what needed to be done. He was mad and yelling and then he was gone. I got a text “Sorry for being a butthead. Thank you for handling it” Then I was in bed with my dog. Not to sleep.. Or even rest.. Just to stop the spinning and wait it out somewhere safe. I haven’t eaten today, or had water, did I have any yesterday? I can’t remember. My arms are still stinging, my head still hurts, I’m still here - it will be ok. Right? My alarm went off 45 minutes ago. It took me 15 minutes to figure out what it was for. I wanted to make sure I snapped back into it by then before he was back. Try to gather myself before plunging into the heavy night. So, I came here, and I’m gathering. Lately, I’ve been walking 15-20 miles a day to cope and breathe and it’s kept me grounded, but I guess I forgot today. I don’t even feel like me today. I hiked a lot yesterday, and I walked, and did gym.. I remember a panic attack at gym, trying to cheer people up here, but not much else. I’m trying to lock in. I’m trying to find myself. Ground myself. I know once I do the overwhelming feelings will flood back, and I'll lose control again in that way, but it’s better than this cloud and detachment I think. It's such a weird unpleasant state to be in and I feel crazy being in it. Maybe a walk will help pull me in. I'll try that. So, that's today. A weird day of skipping and being detached.

The Mess of Social Anxiety

Anxiety Support / by mapletreebubble

September 12th

...See more Things are getting messy. I wish mental illness wasn't such a chaotic mess of a beast. I wish you could somehow keep it boxed up and tidy as you navigate it and that it was closer to having a broken bone. Set it, brace it, wrap it up, and rest - maybe crutches and a wheelchair, maybe a little extra support, but clean and simple. All your body needs is time, the proper nourishment and rest and it'll heal up. You can still function for the most part, still navigate life fairly the same, still hold relationships... the injury is contained to one small part of you, and it doesn't really change all that much, and you know it will heal regardless of your focus. It's not though. It's like being locked in a room with 10 versions of yourself armed with past hurts trying to tear you down and you can negotiate and try to reason with them and dismiss them for a while, but eventually they're all in your face and you can't hear your thoughts and you're trying to do anything to quiet it all and feel a moment of peace. It becomes harder and harder to get there and takes so much energy, and all the while the room is heating up and it's getting so uncomfortable and the window is screaming at you telling you it's the better option, the only option. Despite it, in desperation, you throw a rope for a lifeline - just to have someone in your corner being another voice in the room, and it helps a lot.. more than you thought it could. Even if it's just one voice, just knowing someone is in the room who isn't against you, has your back, and can see what's happening and doesn't run, doesn't turn away in disgust, or dismiss it or pretend, and helps cover your ears and it gets quieter... and you start to trust it, against all of the other versions of yourself telling you not to. But even with that lifeline, and grounding presence, things are still burning and the voices are still everywhere so your grip gets tighter on that person and you start to worry that they'll get scared or tired and let go and then the other versions of yourself are suddenly involved too and in their face it's too much for them. So, they let go. Maybe for good reason - maybe they were getting too hot and didn't think it was worth it - that you were worth it. Or maybe they thought it was a lost cause or maybe simply they had to go water their garden, rest a bit, or deal with their own fire. So they leave the room safely without a word. And suddenly, that support that you started to lean into and trust isn't there and you're thrown off balance and can't steady yourself and the fire feels more intense and there isn't another voice on your side anymore and you almost wish you never reached out to feel the reprieve because it made the fire feel so much hotter now. You feel dumb for allowing yourself to trust it, to think you were worth it and they would stay. So, you realize you're alone again. and do the best that you can. and hope it's enough. While wondering why they let go and what you must have done - surely if they saw the room and were in there with you, they'd only leave if they thought you weren't worth it. So, things get louder and you get smaller and just wait and hope they return when they're ready - and hope they do, and hope you're still you when they do and that it doesn't happen all over again. And then you realize... It's only been 3 days. Only three days. That is nothing. But in that room, in that fire, with all those stupid voices... it feels like a month has passed. And that about sums up social anxiety. Somehow the smallest social interaction can be so loud when the volume on it is turned up. In the absence of constant reassurance, the silence gets filled oh so quickly with just about every extreme. It's such a small disorder in comparison to the GAD and MDD - but in the right conditions, when you're feeling more vulnerable, it can really make things messy. So, I think I'll try to box this mess up a bit.

I need a lighthouse

Depression Support / by mapletreebubble

September 11th

...See more I got sleep last night for the first time in a long time. It was filled with nightmares and stress responses, but sleep nonetheless and I'm grateful. I ate for the first time in a while yesterday, just an egg and some mushrooms. I was filled with guilt, and self hatred after, but I ate and I'm grateful. Today I'm trying to get my head on straight. Something I've been trying to do everyday since this all started. I woke up with a panic attack this morning and cried for a while, but it's only 9:00 am and I have the day ahead of me which is something I am grateful for - something I've fought for. I've been losing control of myself and the fight to regain control has been exhausting. It's like my mind is being pulled in so many different directions, all competing for ownership of my thoughts and actions, and I can't get a grip on it. I've always been an introspective person, which usually helps me navigate life, but right now I feel like it's just made the volume all the louder, and colors all the more intense. I can see everything happening, but I can't seem to stop it. I can't trust my mind to have my best interest, and I can't seem to make out what thoughts are true and which aren't and how to move forward. I can see the ways I'm falling apart as it's happening, and I'm using all the tools I have to catch the pieces as they fall – but I keep dropping them and stumbling and making a mess of it and the effort feels hopeless. Fighting yourself is exhausting. I wish I could just shut it all off and be normal again, but I know that's not how this works. I know my brain needs time to stabilize and I'm doing my best to give it that time, but I'm afraid I'm losing myself in the process. The beacons of hopes and dreams that normally keep me afloat feel so distant and dim right now and I feel like I'm swimming aimlessly in the dark, barely keeping my head above water, growing more exhausted at every wrong turn. But I'm still swimming, I'm still fighting, and even though the light is dim I will chase it with every ounce of energy I have. I will rage against this as long as that part of myself is still here. As long as I'm still me, I will do whatever it takes. I'm just worried I'm putting a candle to a storm snd hoping that it won't go out. That the sea of other voices will win in a moment of impulsivity and it will all be for nothing. I'm trying my best. I'm just worried it's not enough.

Navigating toxic behavior patterns from people you love

Relationship Stress / by mapletreebubble

September 8th

...See more A downside to caring about others deeply, being passionate about helping those who are hurting, having high empathy, and a history of abandonment, a history of parental abuse, with the combination of low self-worth and both social anxiety and generalized anxiety, and growing up in a culture that forced toxic positivity -- is that it creates the perfect mental environment to get stuck in bad relationships. Every one of those aspects tells you that you need to show up for them no matter what, love unconditionally, give whatever you can, put your needs aside, and always seek peace and regulate their emotions. It means, if you're in a bad relationship with someone who hurts you consistently - you dismiss it as your fault, or you bury your feelings and try harder, or you walk on eggshells every moment to preserve their peace - even if it's slowly killing everything you are. You can't speak up, you can't change them, so you focus on what you can control - becoming numb to it or dissociating, walking on eggshells to a degree that you don't recognize your feet anymore, and accepting an isolating suffocating feeling as the only option. I don't know how to navigate being with someone who is stuck in a cycle of hurting me. I've been in survival mode for so long that I can't even remember what safety feels like or if I ever really have felt that way.

Back Here Again

Trauma Support / by mapletreebubble

August 25th

...See more I didn't think I'd be back here again. Last time I was here was before I tried to e_d my life. I fought like hel1 to get out of that hole and recover. Now, years later, all of those markers, all of those patterns, all of the invasiv3 thoughts and uncontrollable emotions are flooding back and it feels worse than before somehow. Last time took every ounce of energy I had to fight it and I just don't have that this time around. I'm not sure why or what to do.. I know it's mostly tied to getting off a plethora of medications and my mind needs time to adjust to the re-learning of emotions and thoughts, and whatever it means to experience the full spectrum of my brain, but I don't remember it being this intense before. Or maybe it was and I just had more mental fortitude to navigate it... This just feels like I pushed play in the middle of an intense horr0r movie at high volume and going into that from the muted zombie-like state I was in for years on meds is beyond jarring. I feel like I'm back in a locked burning building and it's getting hot so quickly and I can either b_rn alive or j_mp -- neither option that feels like a choice, neither being what I want, but rather an instinctual reaction that I can't predict. I'm doing my best to stay in the b_rning building and stay low to the ground and hold out as long as I can and hope the fire goes out, but I'm worried it won't, or that by the time it does, the building structure will be too weak and damaged and it crumbles beneath me. It just feels a lot harder this time. There wasn't a gradual build up that my muscles could adjust for - it all hit almost immediately after withdrawal from meds and I just didn't see it coming. I thought maybe while I was on them, things had lessened, I had grown stronger, and once I got off them I'd simply feel a little more myself and maybe experience a few more shades of color, but nothing too intense and nothing I couldn't handle... I didn't expect this. I had no idea this is what I was signing up for when I went off of them. I just wanted to be less dependent and more natural and be able to think and feel more clearly... I didn't realize I was lighting a match to a fuse. I didn't realize I was made of paper and I'd light so quickly. Anyway, that's where I'm at currently. I can't be real and honest with anyone about it because people pleasing is so instilled in me from growing up in an abusive home and needing to keep the peace in any way I could and I would rather suffer alone than be a burden to anyone. My psychiatrist didn't want me to go off meds and at the last check-up I couldn't even tell her the truth.. Instead we talked about her wedding and her upcoming plans and things she was anxious about and I tried to be supportive and offer what I could. Because I no matter how much I try, I can't be real about this stuff and I can't expect anyone to see through my defenses and masking or have the patience to try to push through my walls. I'm not sure if my instinct to hide and mask and do it alone is rooted in my childhood tra_ma, or from not being able to tell anyone about the se_ual assault and rap3 when I was a teen, or from growing up in a culture that insisted toxic positivity was the only way to succeed.. or maybe I just have had a pattern of trying to be open with all the wrong people, or maybe it's from the religious background and feeling the need to always be selfless and never burd3n others. Who knows... For whatever reason, I'm this way, and I can't seem to climb out of it. So, here I am. Back on an anonymous forum, writing to strangers because that's as far as I can get. I'm not o_k. I'm not doing fine. I'm tired and ov3rwhelmed and I feel h3lpless. I'm holding out hope that this will pass, but I just wanted to come here and be honest and open for once and say that I'm scar3d. I'm scar3d of where this pattern can lead and I don't want to go there again. I'm anxious all the time and I can't seem to find any relief from the constant panic. I'm tired of this fight and having to he strong just to ex_ist in the simplest way. And I'm tired of always building everyone else up and suff0cating inside. I'm tired of the silence of enduring this alone and the loudness of every emotion screaming at top volume and the echos of hopes and dreams that feel so out of reach. So I'm back here again... Hopefully not long.

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