A broken heart

I need help. I'm done bearing all the pain alone. I am failing to cope alone anymore. I need help, even tho I dunno if anyone has the time to read such a long post. I am suffering from acute depression, grief, loneliness and academic hurdles. I'm a 23 year old girl who had led a very sheltered and molly-coddled life and when I turned 13-14, I was dropped like a ball. My parents started neglecting me and emotionally abusing me. When my paternal grandfather died, my dad who is an immature, emotionally volatile man and a narcissist started prioritising taking care of his family's wealth in his hometown and the politics in his family which included sibling rivalry. All his attention went there. He made me sit at home from 8/9th grade and I missed giving my 10th grade exam in 2019. My mother has schizophrenia, parkinsonism and she couldn't take me to school. My sister had moved out long ago. Then covid pandemic happened and since I was not under a school I couldn't study and autopass unlike some students. So it got even more delayed. I developed depression and bad habits and got lazy. Cut to 2022, I started prepping for my IGCSEs (british equivalent to 10th grade exams) and passed with straight A-s in all my 5 subjects. There was a gap of 4 years (the exams I was supposed to give in 2019 were given in 2023) and to reduce it into 3, I planned to go into an unconventional path by taking a foundation course in Malaysia and enrolling into Bachelor's there instead of doing the 2 years A-levels (british equivalent to 11th and 12th grade exams. My intial plan was to study business. But unfortunately that did not work out. My dad refused the funding and told me to do A-levels after promising to me that he will fund for my foundation. And it was a big shock for me. I kept waiting for his approval and 1.5 years had gone by. I could have completed A-levels. Even before my 10th grade exams, I had planned that I'd go for foundation and not A-levels because they are super hard. I have a 5 years of mindset of A-levels being tough. And I'm still trying to come out of it. I had Physics, Chemistry in IGCSEs but they are super hard in A-levels. So I'm planning to take English Language, Psychology and perhaps Law or Business. The only thing is all of them are also hard and essay based subjects. I'm not confident about writing. I fear getting d grades. I want to pass at least with CCCs. Also, I have gotten too many reality checks this year. You can say I was woken up from a slumber, and that too very harshly. That life is hard. Life is unfair. That you have to work hard. That coming from a South Asian nation would need me to work twice as hard at the global stage since I want to go abroad. That my parents won't be there for me always. I feel like my safety net is gone. I'm in survival mode.

I have dropped my plan of foundation in Malaysia because I now realise that it'll limit my options and even if the foundation course is easier than A-levels, it'll become hard for me because I'll be in a new country, navigating life starting from cooking and cleaning and it won't be easy. I wouldn't be able to complete my foundation properly. So the money and time would be wasted.

I'm also dealing with extreme trauma. I am unhealed. I don't have friends. But I cannot stay depressed anymore because I need to study. But the fear of failing and doubt creep in. A-levels were something I didn't want to do but have to do now and if I fail in any one of my 3 subjects, I will be broken beyond repair. I also feel deep shame that I am not in university even at this age. I feel ashamed that I have been struggling with behavioral and mental health issues for 7 years. I feel broken that I'm not a fully functioning adult yet. The concept that a person will cook, clean, take a shower, study, hangout, take care of themselves feel overwhelming to me. Because I cannot do so many things at once. This is what the study gaps have caused me. Turned me into a dysfunctional, lazy, stay-at-home person.

I don't know if there is light to the end of my path. I dunno if I'll be able to give the hardwork A-levels needs, let alone passing. I feel broken.