A friendzone turned me into a workaholic
It's been years since it happened and only been weeks since i've fully cut ties with him due to my obsession only worsening over time. The experience has been awful; i kept being reminded of all the good times we used to have, the songs we used to listen became a painful reminder, i can never look at love without feeling a sharp pain in me. This awful feeling, combined with the stress of school, turned me into a workaholic. Since i've given up love, given up on my social life, i guess the only thing i can look forward to is my academics. Things went well at first; i got good grades, most of my hw were done long before their dues; then the problem came at the end of every day where i can no longer distract myself. Suddenly all of my problems came crashing down. I feel overwhelmed by this and often resort to extreme measures to ground myself. It just makes me feel hopeless that this happens every, single, day. I just want to forget him why is it so difficult? (T-T) i don't want to feel this pain.. i don't want to live like this.. i've reached out to all of my friends and none of them could offer much support. It feels like i'm alone in this...
I totally get your reluctance to look for any kind of partner right now. I wasn't asking for any kind of immediate search. You need to get some psychiatric improvement going more solidly before the partner thing would be a good option. All I was suggesting is that the door to future relationships doesn't need to be closed completely. Leave it open just a sliver.
Also, do have a few basic friends. They can help you manage everything else so that you don't get overwhelmed or lonely. You aren't by yourself on this journey. I love you being a lifelong researcher. That is a quality goal. But it doesn't have to entirely be by yourself.
I also like the idea of you considering psychiatry. It is a field that you have a passion for. But you also need to know it better. That is another reason to reach out soon to that college organization. Knowing the field and how it is practiced can make you a better student of it while simultaneously helping you work on some of those rougher conclusions that you keep making about yourself that are damaging your mental health.
You are still figuring out where you fit into medical school. You aren't being careless with your parents' sacrifice. You are figuring out what will work best for you. Psychology is very closely connected to psychiatry. Starting to find out how you might best be able to do that will lead you towards a possible passion. That is what you are looking for.
Yes, that journey is a hard one, but I have no doubt that you can do it.
I am going to just need to say that I see your post and am thinking about you for the next few days if you happen to post. I apologize.
We are due to take a direct hit from the hurricane after a glancing blow from Helene a few weeks ago and I am not in a good mental spot at the moment. We will also probably lose internet and power on Wednesday for several days. But I am trying. @bestVase7265I'm sorry to hear about your situation there. I'm also sorry that i currently don't have the capacity to empathize with you fully. Things haven't been great here either.
The amounting tasks, the lack of sleep, the loneliness, and the stress, it's taking a toll on me. I've been getting late into class these past three days and even missed two classes. The most amount of sleep i got is two hours.
I've just been feeling numb and discouraged with meeting or even engaging with other people. To think that this will be my life for the next 52 years. I also decided to change my trajectory from healthcare service to a more research centered education. I just hate the idea that i have to deal with other people again. I also choose to become celibate because i hate being human, procreation, and the cycle of life itself. God, i can't wait to die. I can't wait to get off of this existence, this routine, this life!
I am okay but we have no internet, no electricity and no clean water. I am hoping to be back on soon and actually read messages but it may be a few days.
Ok, I am back more completely now and slowly getting back into things. How have you been doing?
I saw a post of someone being in a relationship on reddit. It was just an innocent picture, but it tore a hole in me. I felt a stab in the chest, my hope vanished instantly. I was once again reminded how i'll die alone, no one would love me. I was once again reminded how much i want to get off of this planet, off of this life, if it weren't for the busyness of med school. I tried jumping off of the third floor of my dormitory during my faculty's religion orientation program. I was so sure of it, but ended up doubting it. I'm a coward, i concluded that day. Now, if i'm being honest, with the way things are going, i'm waiting for a big failure to justify my death on.
I am going to admit being extremely exhausted right now to the point of nearly breaking myself. After 3 weeks of hurricane horror, my mom broke her kneecap and so now I am trying to deal with that.
Thus I apologize for my bluntness and my late reply. You need some help. NOW. I am always here as a sounding board, but when you get close to doing something horrible then you need outside resources. Medical school is an excellent place to find those resources. There is no excuse anymore not to do so. You are an adult and you aren't living at home. Be brave and take the bold path to health. You deserve it. Find that help immediately.
I did! I did asked them for help and you know what they said? They said, "You lack faith in your life, you need to pray more," and directed me to a local preacher which i immediately denied! So much for a psychiatrist degree. Why don't they just became one of those friday preachers!? 8 years of medical study just so you can direct your patient to a preacher.. i just i don't know anymore
You're not the only one who said i needed help, most of my friends did and none of them wanted to talk to me anymore. It feels so isolating. I'm too broken for people. Too broken to be fixed.
I guess i just needed more work. It always works in the pass. So much work that i barey have time to think of anything.
"Ask not, 'Will i found love again?' Ask, 'what do i want in life? Who am i? What can i do to make myself happy?'".
It was a retrospective quote from a podcast i just listened to. I've been looking into materials that could probably help with my situation. All of them said the same thing, "Focus and work on myself, practice self-love, and resolve any traumas that i have endured".
I was forced to look back at my life, kind of observed what can lead to my depression lately. It was then that i found out, despite of how painfully obvious, that i spend little to no time for myself. A friend asked me once what do i do daily, i plainly answered, "study, do my assignments, eat, and sleep," his response was that of concern, but i was too tired to pay any attention to it.
At that moment, i was "Workaholic Rhys". A Rhys that is the epitome of, "Arbeit über alles," which means work above all. There were plenty of occasions where i really sold myself for my work. I skipped meals, skipped showers, din't sleep at all, and barely gave myself time to breathe.
At the time i din't really mind any of it. My doctor once said, "Sleep is but a temporary pleasantries," and i took it to heart. Struggle and pain is the nature of studying in med school. If you're not experiencing either of those, then you're definetly doing something wrong.
You only have so much time in a day. The workload that is burdened upon you necessitates some form of sacrifice. You either not sleep and finished this assignment or sleep and not finished the assignment, getting a 5% cut on your grade, and earning the ire of your guiding doctor. The latter is a nightmare for any medical student, especially if said doctor is one of the "killer" ones. These are the ones that won't hesitate to call you a *** or *** (heard stories of it from my friends and seniors) [this is even more prevalant on the 5th semester and much worse on clinical phase].
So what am i trying to say? I'm tired, very much so. I'm so afraid that spending time for myself would lead to precious time being wasted. I'm struggling with self-love because the decisions i made doesn't promote it. I'm selling myself short for security.
Then my final question is, how do you find love for yourself in a field that is all about making sacrifices?
It's a good question. Part of the answer is reminding yourself that self-care actually will make you a better doctor. If you are too tired to help patients, you make mistakes that can be really costly. When you take mini breaks for yourself then you will retain the information that they test you on better. Note that I said mini-breaks. Those are good enough. 15 minutes here 15 minutes there. Making sure that you don't skip meals. Get up, walk outside, stretch. Keep things really simple. Your studies will go better. You aren't sacrificing anything.
But I do feel your exhaustion. With all of my horrible life trauma of the last month that doesn't seem to end, I can barely think straight. I am making mistakes that I normally don't make. But I am hoping to begin to heal a bit after my mom's surgery. @RhysThe3rd
I was stupid. What an idiot. I thought i had a chance. But when he said no, for the second time in my life, my core foundation fell apart.
I felt anger, sadness, and disappointment. I lashed at myself and hurt myself. Another line is added to the ones i've left on my left hand.
What was i even thinking? It was such a *** move. I should've known that i have zero chance at love. I should've just stick with studying. Because that's all there is to me. A student. Someone who studies. So far i'm not really good at doing what i'm supposed to be good at. ***. *** cognitively impaired ***.
I should've just been a good, diligent student. That's all i am. That's what is expected! That's all i'll ever be! I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I'VE REACHED THE HIGHEST POSITION IN ACADEMIA! EVEN IF IT BREAKS MY BONE! EVEN IF IT TORE MY SANITY!
I am so sorry that I didn't respond right away (continuing crises in my life) and that you got disappointed again.
There can be so many stops and starts in your love life. It can definitely seem impossible. Remember that love starts from you loving yourself. Until you can work through some of that emotional trauma and get yourself to a better spot (and I see you working very hard to do that in trying to understand why you react certain ways) it can be really hard for relationships to work.
It is good to focus on your studies in the meantime. But remember the sleep, rest, and eating healthy part of things. You will find a better path forward. I believe in you. @RhysThe3rd
How have things been going? I have been thinking about you.
I'm feeling.. a bit lost. I guess i also feel lonely? I am a bit unhappy about my current circumstances.
It's currently the weekend. I'll have my 2nd block's exam on monday. I could study for the medical skill exam, but i have doubts regarding the main exam (computer-based test). From the exam leaks that i've received from my senior's exam, it is clear to me that these are the types of questions that require deep learning. This is the kind of deep learning that requires more than just two days (the time i have left until CBT).
I've said to myself on the previous block exam that i would change for my 2nd block. Unfortunately, that change has not yet materialized. I believe it was because i spent too much time on my assignments or my inability to manage my time. Either way, i put little to no effort to study on the weeks leading up to the exam.
It's disappointing, though. I have all the resources i need to make a proper note (i even have voice recordings of the lectures), but i barely have any time to review any of them.
I know that i'm not the only one struggling with this. Even my seniors have confessed that they can only study on the few days leading up to the exam. But this shouldn't be an excuse to my inability.
On many occasions i've considered that perhaps i've wasted too much time. I wondered what would've happened if i just shortened my sleep hours to just 5 hours, eliminate any useless "me time", and consider the actions that i will do.
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That was a rant i guess. I gues i felt paralyzed. There's 2 days until exam and i know that studying for CBT can be futile. I don't know what to do 😓
I know that you are scared. That is understandable. It will be a challenging test. But it does sound like everyone is feeling the same way and they all cram.
Why should you be any different? Don't beat yourself up for something that almost everyone else handles the same way that you have.
You settle down, keep studying and know that you are trying your best. 5 hours of sleep and no "me" time isn't going to work or help you do any better on the test. In fact, that plan worsens your chances.
You have got this. If it doesn't quite go as well as you want then you just try again. You are nothing but really persistent. I admire that about you. @RhysThe3rd
Three things i need to remember tomorrow. The first question, the question number that alligns with the final three digits of my student ID number, and the final question. At the end of the exam, all of these are to be collected to form an almost exact copy of the exam questions for the redo exam. Yes, the entire medical school is doing this. From pre-clinic to clinic. That's the system that we rely on for survival. The one variable that could mess this entire process is if our block coordinator decides to change all of the questions. Then we're really screwed.
I tried honestly. I tried studying. But there's only so much med school material i can cramp in two days. Cells and its functions, cell cycle, bacteria and virus, metabolism, tissues, enzymes, cellular communication, genetic engineering, genetic mutations.. Ah!
I don't know what to do honestly. I doubt that, even with the copy of the exam, i could pass the exam.
I don't know what to do ( T-T).
You are doing everything you can. Make sure that you eat something (even small) beforehand. Lots of deep breathing before you start. More deep breathing every time you come across a question that you are unsure of.
You are doing this thing slowly but surely. I believe in you. @RhysThe3rd
Will I ever find love again? Living in a religiously conservative country makes me feel hopeless about my queer identity. Finding another queer partner can seem almost impossible. Besides that, jumping into a relationship while I'm still in this broken mess is not optimal. It can feel like I need to be perfect to enter a relationship.
All of this is just too much for me to comprehend. I'd rather throw it all into a life of eternal escapism, the constant need to study. I made it clear before that I intend to become a medical researcher. This fulfills both the need for a clear life goal and escapism.
So what's been happening lately is I've mostly abandoned social interaction, only interacting with people when I need to. I'll opt out of a conversation if it stops talking about relevant medical studies and moves into brain-rot internet content. You'll see me writing my notes with my tablet almost everywhere I go. I rarely took breaks, only doing so when I felt like I couldn't physically or mentally push myself even further or if the caffeine had stopped working.
Do I find all of this enjoyable? If it weren't for the sleep deprivation and stress that follows it, I might do so. It's getting harder to find meaning in life outside of academia. As a medical student, studying is something that I constantly have to do, less I want to fall behind in class; eventually, as doctors, we are mandated to perform lifelong learning.
I often tell people that I don't know what to do other than study. It has become a habit, making all other activities seem irrelevant or incomparable. Everything I do has to be productive or fulfill a certain set goal.
With the slow decaying death of social interaction and the hopeless future prospect of a queer relationship, what is there to life other than studying?
I wouldn't call it "the death of social interaction" but "time for me to heal." It won't take forever to do so and there is still lots of time for love. But needing a little extra space right now is okay.
But you sound lonely and regretful now. So do focus on the studying, but start doing hints of other things as well. You refer to other conversations based around the internet as "brain rot". That is pretty true much of the time and not a direction that you necessarily need to head. In part, people are having conversations you don't find interesting and that's just fine.
But maybe there are other conversations that you would find interesting that are outside of the medical ones with your fellow students. Do you ever consider conversing with someone who isn't a medical student. Like what about a running club or a work out space? Or learning a foreign language in your new location? Doing some outside activity once a week might give you that need to talk about something you enjoy that isn't based around your career. @RhysThe3rd
In response to the previous post:
Not really, well, at least not when i'm still within my semester. During it, i'd rather focus on conversations that would help in my studies and not getting a D on my report card, which i previously did on my second block.
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Pathogenesis suck. I'm currently studying the pathogenesis of pain and there's so many interpretation of it! Its making my head hurt.
I hate feeling incapable, because it raises my insecurity about myself. I don't know if i'll ever be enough.
I never, ever, wanted to think of myself in relation to people, that's just my mamal brain doing its own thing! That's just thousand of years of adaptive survival mechanism doing its thing! I have no consesnt over this want.. this feeling. I hate it! I hate being human!
I just want to dedicate my life to science.. and not think about this relationship stuff. How do i stop wanting love. How do i stop wanting to connect with other. Maybe my neurosurgeon doctor knows which part of my cerebrum acts on wanting social connection. He'd always joke of drilling our skull to mess with our brain and ruin our physiology.
Its a curse. A human curse. I'm doomed.
You most certainly aren't doomed and you aren't incapable. Certain things are going to be harder to understand than others. That is just how it is.
It is also okay to totally focus on school work during the semester. But what you don't need to do is presume that your whole life is going to be without real social contact just because school work is your focus now.
Stop with the doomsday predictions. They really, really don't help you. I am sure in learning about neural pathways you are learning that new ones can be grown. Pain is real but the brain is adaptable. NOTHING is permanent. Focus on that. @RhysThe3rd
I don't feel happy, i felt hopeless. Sadness felt so heavy. I'm so tired i can't push myself anymore. I'm so tired it makes me sad. I'm sad that i can't push myself just a bit further. That i've run myself physically and mentally exhausted. I can't run from it anymore. I'll die alone. I'll let it consume me, let it be the truth. My whole life has just been an endless escapism. I wished for it to end, i begged for it. I just don't to wake up to another day. I just want to rest forever. I don't want to think or feel. I just want to be numb and read guyton's physiology all day. I don't want to be human, i just want to study to death. I'll die alone, i'm a burden to people. I'll never be enough. There's so many things wrong with me. I wished for and endless sleep..
I know how tiring depression can be. You need more people on your side. You are now in a place where you can get the help to move forward and get beyond the loneliness. But it involves reaching out and asking for psychiatric assistance.
Yes, I know how hard you work and how little time you have. But you can schedule yourself a single psychiatric appointment with someone nearby. Medication could well help. You know that from what you are learning about the brain.
I know the idea is terrifying to you. But I am suggesting a single appointment. You deserve to feel better than you do. You are braver than you think. No one has to know. @RhysThe3rd
How have things been going? I have been thinking about you.@RhysThe3rd
I knew what it is. Its the upcoming exam week. Its exerting its invisible forces on me, making me feel weak to act against them. Instilling a sense of hopelessness.
But, in reality, i'm just tired. I feel like i din't do enough today. Much of my to-do checklist is still unchecked. I'm having trouble with starting them.
I miss the company of my close friend. I miss talking to him, just being silly and having fun for once. But i also need to prepare myself for the final fight. One more battle before going home, my actual home, the mainland.
Oh please give me strength..
I'm gonna rest early and try my best at night. Its a thing that i've been experimenting with. I basically sleep at like 6/7 and wake up at 12. I then proceeded to study or do my assignments until sunrise.
You are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to feel like you didn't study enough (most students feel that way even when they have studied enough). You are allowed to be nervous about going back home for a bit and having to be a bit of something that you are not.
But the biggest thing to remember is that you aren't the person that you were when you left. Your parents may make you feel that way, but you have already conquered so much in just moving away and starting school. Everything will feel odd, but it will be a brief interval before you get to go back to becoming the new you. Keep focused on that. @RhysThe3rd
I don't know what's going on. It's as though i lose the drive to simply live. Most of my actions has been reactive. Now that i'm offered free will again, i don't have the drive to do anything.
I felt as though everyone around me is better than me. No matter what i'd do, nothing is gonna change that fact.
I kept staring at the clock. I'm losing time just by doing nothing.
I've been thinking of _a state of not being alive_ a lot lately. Almost every night i felt as though my existence is suffering and only cost the people that cared for me. I also couldn't ignore how expensive i am to maintain, looking at my expense bills over the past two weeks. I don't think i'm worth that much. For the amount that is spent on me, i barely gave the propotional amount of result. Which fuels my pessimistic nature even further.
I've also successfully isolated myself. My workaholism has fully taken over me. My friends even noted that i, "studied too much," or, "seems to be always busy." To further sement this, i fully caved in to the believe that i'll die alone. Just like that, nothing matters in life anymore.
Because of it, i started to hate the idea of taking rests, needing to eat. As you might guess, my poor sleep hygiene and diet might as well cause me diabetes, cancer, and dementia at the same time. How do i know this? I'm studying to become a cancer surgeon specialist. It's comforting to know i'm slowly dying.
Nobody will care anyway. Its not like i matter in anyway.
With that in mind, i'm gonna go back to studying anatomy and bioelectricity. Because at least i'll go down as a professor of medicine, a surgeon doctor of cancer!
I suggested this strongly a few weeks ago: you need to see a psychiatrist and get on some medication. It really can help. It will help you become a better doctor and get more in control of things. You deserve to feel better. Your brain chemistry is off. The time has come to fix it. It is tough, but necessary. All you need to do is make an appointment to start the process. @RhysThe3rd
I've told you plenty of times before, neither me nor my parents have the money for it. Even if i appointed the one's from medschool, i'd only get theistic preachers with a medical degree. Its just hopeless. I'm just too broken to be fixed. To broken to be normal. To broken to be worth anything.
So what will i do? Nothing. I still wanted to become a professor. The desire is akin to sisyphus constantly rolling the boulder up the hill only to fall. So i'll just continue studying. Seeking more and more knowledge until my time eventually runs out. At least its better than just contemplating death all day.
Oh, and, do you know something? It worked. I thought its only been three months, but its actually been six. What does this mean? It means all of those long study hours and workaholism worked, i'm living faster than i am experiencing life itself. If this keeps going, i'll be at my late 60's in no time.
You are allowing your brain to lie to you here. You do not know that you will get "theistic preachers with a medical degree". You are presuming that because it is what you have heard and what your brain wants you to believe because it keeps telling you it is easier to believe the worst than to fight. There are actually some good psychiatrists out there who can provide helpful drug treatments. You don't have to describe everything to them, just your basic symptoms.
Most medical schools have ways to get around the cost, especially if you see an intern or someone in training.
You are absolutely not too broken. You have bounced back too many times already. I have seen it. You have a medical condition where you don't have the right brain chemicals. That can absolutely be fixed.
Would you want a cancer patient to not come to you because they felt things were too hopeless? No, you would try to talk them into treatment. I am doing the same for you. @RhysThe3rd
So i did it. After checking the prices and patient experiences, i managed to find and book a psychologist at a nearby hospital on next monday, 7 P.M. I hope this is a worthy investment.
I wanted to study for the exam tomorrow, but i feel so lethargic. So i will sleep early again and study in the morning, i hope. There's a lot of hoping in this post. It's because i've pushed myself to my limits and now the consequences of my workaholism have finally hit me. I hope i don't have to repeat this semester next year, that's all i want. I want to go home with some good news, not a bad one.
Oh yeah, this semester ends with the final exam day at friday, so i'm going to return to the mainland next Tuesday. I hope i could bring in good news. Four days of *** left.
Can I put three or four or five hearts on that post? I am so glad that you are making your first attempt at doing something. I can't promise immediate miracles, but you deserve a better path.
I hope as well that your exams go okay and you can go home with good news. You would be tired at this point whether you were a workaholic or not. I am sure all of your classmates are also tired and highly stressed. You reach a point where moving forward is difficult. But then you make it through the actual tests and it feels a little easier (at least until you get the results and/or start the journey home).
Sending lots of strength and peace. You have worked hard and deserve them. @RhysThe3rd
I feel like my social life is ***. Pardon the language, but the excessive workaholism, isolation, my impatience, and irritability, seems to rub on some people. People seems to be avoiding me as well.
I thought that isolation would mean more time to be productive and reorganize, but my deteriorating condition hinders my capability. Without basic coping mechanisms, i'll collapse on the pressure and expectation i put on myself. It also doesn't help that my friends fare better than i do.
I've also created an image of myself where i'm this arrogant and ambitious student who nearly fails at each steps. I always try to compete with my friends at my class, not wanting to accept second place.
My grades are questionable, my health is ruined, my social life is gone, i'm unhappy, and my life is messy.
I wanted to be the best... even if it cost me everything. Because unless i'm perfect, who would even consider me 😞
You don't need to be perfect. Do you think that ANYONE else is perfect at anything?? Perfection is not a possibility. You need to get that idea out of your head.
You also need to get rid of the idea of anything being permanent. What you have done in the past (even if that past is today) is past. You can't do anything about it anyway. So you take a different path in the future. You share some study time with someone or you go out to lunch. Little things. Social lives can ALWAYS be recreated and rebuilt. @RhysThe3rd
The heck was i thinking... so much for a professor of medicine. For context, i just got rejected by a girl for the fifth time now. I know right? Some real high brain power decision making. Each rejection just fuel my believe that maybe i'm not made for anyone.
Oh yeah, i'm also taking part in a poster competition. I have a hard time starting the work again. I just feel so weak.
Maybe its about time i work on that poster and stop fantasizing about a happy life. Because that's not coming. I've set myself down a path of suffering and loneliness, i simply need to rest and reorganize, do some meditation, and get back to work.
Rejections don't necessarily say anything about you. They can also be due to poor timing with everyone studying for exams.
The poster thing also sounds like a good one but think of it less in terms of the competition and more in terms of the people that you meet when you present the poster. It is an opportunity to make friends and network. Those are things you will need career wise as well.
It is also great that you are meditating and trying to find strategies to help your mental health. @RhysThe3rd
I kept seeing his name, wishful thinking. To pluck one weed is to burn the entire field.
Failed to meet a deadline. I'm not really good with these "break" thing.
I don't know, i'm just having an overall bad time with life. I don't know why i decided to kept continuing. My life has never been normal. I kept feeling numb all the time.
I'm really bad at living.
People are celebrating, meanwhile i'.m dying.
Breaks are hard because you had a routine elsewhere. It will get better when you return.
I know that it feels like everyone else is blooming and you aren't, but actually you never know when blooming will take place. Give yourself more time.
Depression does feel like you are doing everything through a fog and that makes it very, very hard. Were you able to go to that doctor's appointment? What happened? Did they suggest any medication to help a bit? You can get your brain synapses to fire better and slowly release yourself from the fog. @RhysThe3rd
I did go to a psychologist. I'd say i was pretty disappointed, honestly. It was one day before i had to go back to the main island. I had difficulty communicating my mind to the psychologist. We did go through some stuff, like it's ok for me to make a mistake; i talked to her about my middle school trauma of being ostracized because of a mistake i made.
She then gave those mmbti tests, i think? It's for my clinical diagnosis. Unfortunately, i couldn't receive my result at that session, which means that i'll have to wait until i get back to the isles and continue the next session to receive my diagnosis. The cost of that one session is equivalent to 15.45 dollars. I don't know how i'm going to hide that amount of dent on my spending, considering that i do this without my parents' notice.
In the meantime, i'm starting to adapt to my new life.
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This question kept me awake. How do you know if you love someone? Because i'm still not over that girl from the previous post. To be honest, i don't know much about love or what it means to love someone :<
Also, i can't distinguish whether this is love, admiration, or a mental habit (in this case, my obsessiveness) that Dr. K lectured about.
Well, try a single other session to see if you can get some answers or medication. But wait until you have enough money to do so.
Your question is an interesting one. I think love starts as a very pleasant feeling but it changes shape as the relationship grows. It is never an obsession. It is more that you like being with someone because they make you happy. But you have to start by respecting yourself and realizing that if the other person doesn't respect you or love you in the same way that it says nothing about you. Different people are attracted to different things and that's okay. Your self worth is NEVER dependent upon another person when it comes to love. It also means if you lose one love, you can always imagine finding another one because you know you are worth it.
Does that help? @RhysThe3rd
I think that's irrelevant now. I just got my semester report card, and it's not looking good. Looking at my first semester's grade, i saw that my second and third block's grades were all C+, except for my first block and religion grade, which are respectively B+ and A. When you account that the minimum passing grade for a block is B+, i know for certain that i'm ***. I ended up with a 2.97 GPA.
Hahahahah.. so much for a *** professor eh? Such a *** loser. You're so worthless. What the *** am i doing with my life. You ungrateful piece of ***, how do you fall so terribly compared to your friends? You're the one who worked the hardest, how the *** did you managed to *** fall so badly!?
Oh and that girl you fancy over? She's definitely way ahead of you. So don't even THINK you had any chance with her or anyone! Because you're an arogant, narcissistic, apathtic, pathetic piece of *** who thinks he's better than anyone.
That's right, just cry! Cause that's just how pathetic you are. You know how much you spent over that six months!? So much for a *** return of investment. You should reconsider your existence, honestly. I hope you cry yourself to sleep or k*ll yourself honestly.
Oh, and all of those sacrifices? Your pains? Hah! It was all for nothing! You ended up the same way as the previous block. How ironic is that? I hope i d*e in my sleep.
I've told you plenty of times before, neither me nor my parents have the money for it. Even if i appointed the one's from medschool, i'd only get theistic preachers with a medical degree. Its just hopeless. I'm just too broken to be fixed. To broken to be normal. To broken to be worth anything.
So what will i do? Nothing. I still wanted to become a professor. The desire is akin to sisyphus constantly rolling the boulder up the hill only to fall. So i'll just continue studying. Seeking more and more knowledge until my time eventually runs out. At least its better than just contemplating death all day.
Oh, and, do you know something? It worked. I thought its only been three months, but its actually been six. What does this mean? It means all of those long study hours and workaholism worked, i'm living faster than i am experiencing life itself. If this keeps going, i'll be at my late 60's in no time.
Calling yourself names isn't going to help you. Slow down here a bit.
One semester doesn't tell you much except the possible need to switch directions a little. I have students who do bad in their first semester all the time. They often fail classes in their dream majors (in my school's case it is usually marine biology). But then they find other paths.
Tell me more about the two classes that you did okay in. Did you like them better? Were they easier on your brain?
Also, don't pile all the other stuff on top of this right now. Again, it doesn't help you. You are a good person with lots of potential. MOST people need to find their paths slowly. Give yourself more time. You are learning what works and what doesn't for you. That matters.
Pardon me, the first grade that i mention that i do good on was the religion class, but the other is my first block, which is learning skills block. It's easy because most of it is common knowledge and doesn't took much effort to study.
And no, i'm not going to quit med school. This is my life now and i'm NOT going to abandon it.
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At some point, I stopped believing it was possible. The eventual loss of people, my inability to connect with people, was just too much for me to handle. I fully abandoned my social life, believing it was a futile effort. I ended up back to my old habits again, isolating myself and entrenching myself in workaholism.
It worked well for me initially, the added time gives me more time to study. Then the side effects start to show up, I felt lonely, anhedonic, and life was just dull. The only comfort being the small victories I had from my study time.
But then as the wins occurs less and less, I put even more pressure on myself. More study time, less sleep, no room for break or joy. It was suffering, but it wouldn't be any different. The pain only fuels my worsening workaholism.
Because of my own unreasonable treatment of myself, I've grown to hate myself and project it onto others. Hate and pain becomes the motivator, so i seek more of it to support my efforts.
The result? By the end of the semester, I was exhausted both physically and mentally. Signs of burnout and caffeine withdrawal are also evident, as my chronic caffeine consumption and sleep deprivation finally catches up with me. I put what little of what's left of my energy into studying for the exam. My only mistake is that I've grown soft of myself, letting myself take more breaks than what is needed. I ended up with least than what I had expected.
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New Year's Eve feels so lonely. I couldn't even reach my close friend. I tried attending to my old friend's meetup, but i couldn't relate to anything they say. Even when i did try to talk about something, they'd always change topics or ignore me completely. It only took a conversation for me to realize how differently the world i live in compared to theirs. Never have i felt lonelier than that moment.
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My former crush, the guy i used to talked about on the earlier posts and the reason for the tittle of this forum, has somehow joined another country's army! I don't know what the heck he's doing, but the fact that he's putting his life at risk cause me an immense amount stress. I hope he's ok, he barely talks with me anymore.
You have a really nice way of evaluating yourself at times and figure out why things are happening.
Ok, I wasn't saying quit medical school in any way. It was more a reevaluation of your focal points. Based upon what you are saying, if hate and pain are your motivators you are naturally going to be burnt out by the end of the term. You need to find better motivators than hating yourself, abandoning your social life, and being lonely. How do you do this?
1) Don't abandon social life completely. It can be hurtful at times, but you need some minimal connections in some ways. Plan for some mini social time, even if it is workouts at the gym or spending more time in the cafeteria.
2) Figure out ways to treat yourself better by walking on a regular basis and eating. Keep thing simple.
3) What about subject interest as a motivator? What do you like learning about the most? Do you occasionally say "that's interesting"? Look for those moments as motivators.
It is pretty natural to find a really sharp disconnect between old friends and you when you go back home. People's lives start going in different directions. You are allowed to live in a different world. It sounds like you are also living in quite a different world than your crush.@RhysThe3rd
I don't know about social time. It feels like i'm constantly disconnected from the conversation. Like, i overanalyze stuff too much and keep being preachy to people, which can be off-putting.
I also try to implement some stability in my life by fixing my sleep schedule and diet.
I don't know what i like about learning. I haven't learned much besides linguistics stuff (i'm learning chinese, german, and russian) and some history. The latter was from videos on youtube.
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My feelings are off the chart lately. This manifested in a serious of dreams that induce feelings of fear and anxiety. I fear falling behind next semester (i joined three student organisations, which can pose a challenge for me to handle). I anxiously compare myself to my friends, fearing that i'm not progressing enough. Then there's also this feeling of isolation because the only person i can talk with is my close friend. To add to that, there's also a fear of me losing my security and comfort because much of it relies on the presence of my parents. There's no telling whether they'll exist tomorrow or not!
Writing all of this makes it clear that my mind is in a very active state. I'm gonna meditate to calm my mind.
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I just realized that i'm an HSP, which explains why i feel so much to the point that it's causing me unnecessary suffering.
I also worry a lot about not finding a partner... although my close friend keeps reassuring me that i can talk to him whenever i want to and he wouldn't mind.
I don't know! I found it hard to have more than one close friend because i worry about burdening people with my problems. I also think of my close friend as a potential partner, which can be problematic if it were not reciprocated (i already confess to him, but he rejected me. I don't mind this loss, since the alternative is complete isolation).
Oh yeah, i kept mentioning close friend, who are they? They're someone whom i share my burden with. This usually involves a lot of trust since i worry a lot that people will leave me because of my predicament. I'm thankful that he's been with me ever since last year. You're also a close friend too, but again, it's hard to alter between you two. I usually go to him first if i needed immediate help. Yesterday we fortunately manage to arrange a voice call. It's unimaginable how much comfort his mere presence gave me. Is this a trait of an HSP too? I'm not sure myself.
Other than close friends, i also have a wide network of friends, but i'm a bit distance with them. Our interactions are limited to study partners. I wouldn't really trust them with my feelings, because they don't know how to listen or will just leave the conversation, which can be off-putting for me.
So in reality, i'm only ever connected with two to a handful amount of people in my life. I have you and my close friend to rely on. It's that small number that got me scared sometimes. I remembered what it was before i made this forum, before i met him. I was desperate for someone that i kept having night terrors.
Thank you for staying by me.
Don't worry. I am not going anywhere. I am not going to reject you or back away. I will just keep answering your messages as best I can. You deserve that because you are a good person. Eventually you will believe that too.
Is it okay to just have one or two people that you are close to? Overall yes. You need to have at least one or two in real life, but having huge numbers isn't necessarily better. I probably have 4 people, two of which are my husband and my sister in law, that I would go to if I was in deep trouble. But the other part of my network is my therapist who isn't a friend at all but is someone outside who I can vent to. That is also really helpful.
I have lots of acquaintances like you. Sometimes we might get together but very, very rarely outside of work. I can laugh a little with them but I am naturally careful with what I say. That's normal and that's enough. You don't have to be close to lots of people. You do not need to be part of three student organizations. One or two is fine.
And all people who you are either close friends with or not so close are going to make tons of mistakes in trying to understand you. We all have that as a problem because we can never get completely in someone else's head.
The linguistics stuff is great. Keep that up. It is using a different part of the brain and might even be helpful in memorizing medical terms. Lots of those come from common Latin roots. When you know the linguistics then you can remember the terms more easily.
The sleep and diet are critical. I am glad you are working on them. Good job. @RhysThe3rd
I always compare myself to people who's more social to me. I admire their abbility to maintain and cultivate their large network of friends. To be able to go out into these gatherings and interact with people. To find a common interest.
I don't really have such experience in my life. I've always been one of the sidelines kids who watches the action taking place. The one who laughs and listens to a conversation, but never gets involved in it. The odd one out.
It's been so long since i have a genuine interaction with people that i forgot how to support them in times of hardship. It only drives me further into isolation.
I obsessively compare myself to people and felt powerless to stop it. I don't have anything to back myself. I'm not special. If anything, i'm flawed to my core.
I always strive for perfection. I thought that by being perfect, maybe my imperfections can be reversed, maybe people will take interest in me. Maybe i'll finally feel like i'm good enough.
Despite my best effort, it's near impossible for me to feel like i'll ever be good enough. It's my unrealistic expectations of myself coupled with my negative emotions holding a dominion over me that's making it difficult for me.
I was so insecure of myself. My GPA is laughable. My life is pathetic. I'm mostly all alone. I don't even feel like i like the person in the mirror, which is why i don't take much pictures of myself.
I tried to end myself and kept failing. Now i'm left in this dire state where i'm just hoping that i die of natural cause.
Despite my borguise conditions, i've imposed so much expectations and pressures on myself that i don't feel like I deserve this life, this leisure, this wealth.
I just want to sleep forever and never wake up again 😞
Listen, let me begin by saying "me too". I am very socially awkward and it has taken me a very long time to figure out any friendships whatsoever. In school I was heavily bullied to the point that I was physically beaten at one point and laughed at and cat called on stage in front of over 500 students in another (they weren't allowed any more assemblies that year because of how poorly they treated me). You aren't alone. You are allowed to be different and not need bunches of people in order to be happy.
Perfection isn't going to happen. No one is going to like you more the more perfect you are. In fact, they will like you less. People want to see the flaws in others because then they don't feel as flawed themselves. Friendships come from just listening. That's it. Not talking all the time about yourself, but letting others vent about themselves.
Can you stop an obsession with focusing so much on other people's reactions as saying something about you? Yes, but it takes time. Life isn't over yet for you. It is just beginning. Keep allowing yourself to grow by not imagining anything you are doing right now as permanent.
@RhysThe3rd
I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. The experience you went through is awful.
Maybe being different isn't such a bad thing. It's what makes me unique. I shouldn't criticize myself for my solitude tendency nor when i try to socialize. I just like to be alone sometimes and have minimal interaction, which is not a problem, but became so because i compare my condition with other people.
Maybe my strive from perfection can be attributed to the expectations my peers and occasionally my friends placed upon me. As a medical student, i'd feel embarrassed and fear if i couldn't properly answer a question from my materials, but i shouldn't overly criticize myself because i'm still learning, and making mistakes is ok (it's what my therapist told me).
About the relationship thing, Dr. K said that i should just give it five years. The idea is that since it's so random, it's could come even before five years. So i'll probably be in a relationship in five years. That's the status quo i should take.
In the meantime, i can try to better understand myself. I saw this video once about Carl Jung's work. He explains that my obsession with my crush can come from a part of me that is burried and felt reflected by them.
I always admire how my crush talks about his work. He'd often send this long text talking about some sociology stuff that i couldn't quite comprehend. He did mention once how he overstudied for his exam which i found really impressive! It really showed in how he articulated himself.
He also have this way of making people gravitate towards him, which is why our group sort of fell off when he starts to dissappear. This is where i often compared myself to him, though the comparison itself serves nothing but to hurt me. Because i am different from him, it shouldn't be a bad thing, but i'd be lying if i din't say that i envy him a bit. He is my crush afterall... beautiful, complex, yet unreachable 😞
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This is ridiculous. What do i mean by that? I kept repeating the same mistake i had done for three days now. I observed my habits vaguely, but i got the gist now. There are several triggers to my gaming addiction. One of them is history videos and videos of people playing the history map game, Victoria II. After watching those videos, i would often want to reenact them in the game, only to be disappointed after fulfilling a certain goal in the game. Unfortunately, the curiousity that something might be different in the next gameplay kept pulling me back.
This obviously raises my awareness that whatever stimulus i receive can influence what I'll do next.
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Ok.. so i'm starting to get it. I played some german march music and noticed how there's an urge to play the game and form germany. I want to play the game and form germany, but i don't have to do it.
The next thing i found out that contributed to my addiction is the lack of purpose in general. Video game makes it easy to find purpose because it provides them. The past few days have shown that the game can be disappointing sometimes.
The next difficult thing is that i don't feel like studying my med school material. I don't know why! There's like an apparent sense of disinterest in it that poses a challenge for me to engage with it. Meanwhile, my german studies have gone pretty smoothly. In fact, it's one of the two productive activities, besides the occasional exercise, that i managed to do on a consecutive streak.
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Maybe it's because i'm getting tired, but i just feel hopeless. I miss his presence. Just.. someone in my life.. i still have you and my close friend though, but you guys feel so distant..
I don't know what to do. It scares me.
I'm just mentally ill i guess, that's my identity. Hah.. i'm nothing. I feel so powerless, confused, and lost in life. Maybe i should just not live honestly. The idea kept popping in my mind.
You have got lots of good stuff in here. You are really growing and improving. I am quite impressed. I am glad that you are sticking it out with the therapist. That is going to help.
The challenge is that we want to feel better right away. But that doesn't happen. In fact, you usually can barely tell that you are doing a bit better because it is unbelievably hard to admit to yourself. Outsiders see it first and I am seeing it.
You are turning to the video games as a way of giving your brain a spot to process your emotions without having to think about them. Accomplishing something in the fake world feels easier than the real world.
But you know the danger here. You are in medical school. The studies HAVE to come first. You can be really disciplined. Start setting yourself a timer for playing and one for studying. Try studying 20 minutes straight followed by just 5 minutes of gaming or something like that.
You can do this. Ok, so the next two days (the 16th and 17th) I won't be able to do Cups. But I will be back soon! @RhysThe3rd
I occasionally saw my crush online on one of the posts he liked. It makes me depressed how he's ignoring me at this point.
It's becoming harder to contact my close friend. He's been busy a lot with work and were always too tired to engage in a conversation. It makes me feel even more isolated.
I've been dealt a lot in my hands, i don't know how to deal with them! I don't know know what to do with the occasional part of me wanting to put rope around my neck.
My sleep schedule is ***. I miss and is jealous of my crush. I felt envious of couple. I felt isolated. I feel like i'm wasting so much time. I feel like i don't know where i'm going in life or have a vague sense of it. Despite it, i din't do anything to pursue said life. I've been half-assing it. I'm just broken i guess.
Maybe that part of me is right, maybe my end is near. I still have a couple of days of break left to plan something.
Either that or i should just really consider offing myself at this point. The cost of maintenance and my future prospect is just not worth it if things kept going the way it is.
My parents already have my other 3 siblings to take care of. One dead wannabe medschool student is sure to alleviate some much needed money.
Is it gonna cause some pain? Yes. But even i don't cry about my dead cat until my late teens. People will move on as they'll find other things to fixate on. That's just how life is.
Stop! You know you need to take that step back from the brink again.
How do you do that? Start by getting more sleep and being sure you are eating and drinking properly. Your brain chemicals are going to be in much better control that way because you will have the energy to deal with everything.
People will miss you a great deal. Don't think that they won't. You will cause others pain. Minimizing that just minimizes them. You will hurt people like me too. I have met people on here who never get over that devastation and you don't know that won't be the case with you. Think about your crush. What if he died by his own hand and you felt like it was your fault? That's the kind of pain you can cause.
Avoid doing anything related to your crush right now. Talk to your therapist. Get outside when you can. Focus on studying rather than computer distractions. You will get over this hump. You are stronger than you know. @RhysThe3rd
So, something unexpected happened last night. Somehow, in my sleep deprived state, i managed to convince my old crush on a sort of find-out-if-we-like-each-other thing. The irony of our situation was i had a crush on her, but she never expect it. If i hadn't confess to her, then maybe we'll continue to live with our self-deprecating beliefs. I argued to her that feelings are temporary, and that relationship should be build upon commitment instead; I'm also warried how i might be manipulative here, but i'm not sure. So.. she agreed to this "testing the water" thing as a way to look for experience in relationship.
Now this is both wonderful and terrible news. The wonderful news is that my mind is preoccupied with her enough that i can finally implement some much needed change. The long standing fear of dying alone is temporarily numb with this new reality. The terrible news is that part of me hopes that this is more than just "testing the water". The thought threatens to jeopardize my entire effort as it will likely drove me to rush the relationship.
Then there's the anxiety that follows this experimental relationship. Last night we really had a long talk (i din't sleep at all). Logically, if i am to proceed with this relationship, i need to know about her without being too pushy. Now i'll be blunt that i might twist her arms in some cases or a bit too dominant in some conversation, but this could just be the anxiety talking. I don't really know! I need a different perspective on this
If i were to proceed with my original plan, i could use this chance to learn what a proper and good relationship is like. That's what we agreed to afterall, to see if we fit before we can commit into something more serious.
Why does it sound like i'm desperate for her? Probably because i am. I know that i'm responsible for myself, but i couldn't help but feel like her presence gave some resemblance of stability. A stability that i can use to further improve my wellbeing. I already started doing yoga and meditating again, seeing how effective it is against my addiction.
So uh.. can i ask for some relationship advice? I might ask my experienced friend about it. I'll also inquire as many info as i can regarding this. If we can make this work somehow, than i'll see to it that it is!
Ok, first of all keep doing the yoga and meditation. That is going to help you in the weeks ahead by giving you a place to think through and navigate things. That will be one of the most critical things that you do.
Next, you should take things really slowly. No expectations from either one of you. If she doesn't talk to you one day that isn't the end of the world. Work at first on just enjoying one another's company in what ever form that takes. Listen to her, watch how she reacts and focus on her response to the relationship rather than worrying about your own. The more relaxed you can keep things for several months the better. No need for serious conversations unless she starts them.
Work on not thinking too deep into the future. Keep asking yourself if you are enjoying the present rather than thinking about past or future. This is hard, but it can be really critical.
Check in here often. You can do this. @RhysThe3rd
---= during my second grade highschool =---
We were paired under the same division, multimedia. Our sensei entrusted me in this position because he saw me drawing some stuff (i occasionally draw stuff when i'm bored)
After i joined my school's Japanese club, my sensei entrusted me as a member of the multimedia division of our upcoming Japanese school festival.
It was here that i met her, the girl i mentioned from the previous post. It was the first time i saw people who mastered drawing and does it as a passion. Although i don't have the sufficient skill in digital art, i compensate it with my canva graphic designer skill. We worked together on several tasks, like making feeds on the festival's ***, designing the committee's shirt, and creating a poster promoting the festival. The skill gap poses a hurdle, but we try our best to complement each other.
As time passes on, i started to observe her interactions. I often found her alone and it got me worried. Was she doing ok in class? Where's her friends? So i asked a friend in her class how she's doing. They said that she was fine by her own, but still, i'm worried for her.
I then noticed how i would do things to try and catch her attention, mainly just engaging with her or making her laugh. I also noticed how i would get shy around her which is really odd! I then found out that i have a crush on her ( ._.).
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A side story, so i decided to take this matter with my school's counselor. She was supportive of me and told me to just confess it (i din't out of fear of rejection). She even tried to get me to confess infront of her! I then found out earlier from my crush that our school counselor is actually trying to pin us! Which is unbelievable.
Sorry if this is not the post you expected. I thought it would be important to get it clear out to know what your thoughts on her. It's the second day since my proposed "testing the water". We had a convo earlier this afternoon. It's nice that she brings up the other side of me. Before med school, i used to engage in creative work like writing or drawing. But i'm also concerned that it always feel like i'm always the one starting the conversation. I'm afraid of things not working out. Should i bring this up with her? I know that one of the pillars of a good relationship is communication :(
Ok, it is good to know a little backstory, but remember to just focus on the present now. Constantly rethinking the past makes it much harder to enjoy the now.
Don't bring up a conversation about initiating conversations for a while yet. Give her the opportunity to initiate them though by giving time and space. Let a day or two go by before you contact her again. Immediately turn the conversation back to her once you have started it. Remember you are keeping things really light right now. @RhysThe3rd
It's foolish of me to think anything meaningful will come out of this. Great! It's another classical "Rhys's Desperation getting The Best Out of Him". What was i even thinking, that poor girl having to even bother with me.
Maybe it's just life way of saying i'm not made for it. I still have a couple of days left before i head for the isles again. I don't know what's the point of continuing anymore.
Tell me more about what is going on. I don't have the whole story here. @RhysThe3rd
Ok so, maybe i'm overthinking it, but i believe that this "thing" i got going on with her? It's not going to work out. What do i mean by this? I thought it was just a testing the water thing. To be honest, i'd be lying if i din't say that i expect a lot from it. The idea of finally having someone by me is just too big to ignore.
Then i realize that our paths don't really align. I came from med school and she's from art school. Other than that, i've been the one who started the conversations. The only reason she even started one was because I'm in a crisis. Despite of it, she's been supportive of me too. If things don't really work out between us, she can still be a close friend. But i knew that i wanted more than that and it's just not possible.
I talked with my other close friend about this and he got something right though, she hasn't drop any verdict, we're still testing the water. His reassurance bring me some relief. Again, she's also been supportive of me during my struggle so there's that hope i guess.
But i couldn't help the thoughts that i've been silencing. Nobody will ever love me. I'm just too different and complicated for people. I'm unlovable.
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In 1987, David Boynton recorded the song of a the last ever Hawaiian KauaÊ»i Ê»ÅʻŠbird. The bird itself is a male endling, the last of it's species. In the recording, the bird is singing a duet with gaps for the female bird to fill in, but there were no answers. David Boynton himself used a recording of the female counterpart to attract the endling, leading to this tragic relic in history.
Although i'm not a singing bird nor am i the last of humankind, i felt sympathy for the bird. All my life, i've only had two communities that i can call a family. Now both of them are so distant. It feels like it's just me against the world, holding on to sanity.
If the only thing that you think is stopping you is that you study medicine and she studies art (and that you initiate most conversations) then I agree there is absolutely no reason to think things are over. Allow the testing water period to continue for as long as it will go.
It is actually wonderful when people who study different things get together. It makes both of you richer as people. There is no pairing that really can't work based upon what job someone has.
This sounds like mainly you getting scared. Keep working on that voice that tells you you will always be alone because you somehow deserve it. That voice is simply not true!
Explore what you have got for right now with no strings attached. You are just testing the waters. Remind yourself of that as you return to medical school. You can do both and eventually feel more connected. Keep working on these issues with your therapist. I believe in you. @RhysThe3rd
To be honest, I'm really clueless as to what I'm supposed to do in this "testing the water" thign. I don't know how to connect with her since our hobbies don't really align. I've gave her some time by herself as your request, I haven't spoken to her in two days now. Because of an unclear college schedule, she cancelled her plan to go back to our city. I was dissappointed by it since i am looking forward to meet her.
While yes I am not alone, I have two close friends now and you to contact when I have a problem, but that just seems about it. Our interactions is based on the existence of my problems. I can't play any games with them since even my games are different from what most people enjoy. Sometimes, it feels like I need to have a problem to engage with people. It's making me depressed.
Having a boyfriend or girlfriend just means that I'll have someone or something to distract myself with, just like med school. I'm a workaholic afterall, it's what this forum is all about. I'm fine with not achieving my goal when I already have someone to spent the rest of my life with. I still have something to fight for.
I can't help it, I just feel like I have this negative aura surrounding me. Pushing on my sensitive feelings and twisting my thoughts against me. It makes me replay moments of my regrets. Maybe I'm just tired.
Can you please help me with the "testing the water thing?" Any suggestions on what i should do or talk about with her? I'm so inexperienced it's nerve-wracking.
Other than that, can you also help me with whatever is going on with me? I really don't know what you mean by working on the voices in my head 😞
Ugh. I wrote you a long message and it just deleted the whole thing. I apologize for what is going to end up being a bit of a summary here.
For the "testing the water thing", now you can reach out again. Every 2-3 days is okay. Keep things simple - how are you doing? Do any cool projects lately? Eat at any good cafes? Then you talk about you - what kind of thing did you learn at the lecture? Anyone tell a good joke? Keep it light and not horribly long.
This kind of connection is actually easier to build online because you can focus on simple basics. It takes practice and patience. Other stuff comes later. Do the same thing with your two other friends. Ask questions about THEM first. It doesn't have to be about games. I only have two friends myself and they are enough. We only see each other about once a month but then we just sit over a meal and talk. Sometimes one person needs support and sometimes another. But we all know that we can listen and not judge each other. You can do the same with your friends.
I think your brain tries to complicate things where you start worrying about every sentence and gesture. It also tells you that small encounters somehow don't matter and every conversation must be a heart to heart. They don't all have to be. Be patient and allow things to build.
Don't think about the long term future or the distant past. Focus on worrying about and enjoying the immediate present - just today.
Yesterday went wonderful, which is why today went terrible.
Yesterday, i got to do yoga, exercise, jogging, and engage in a deep talk with her, which is a win in my book. I did as you said, i gave her some space and after a day or two, i engage with her. Last day i helped with her world building project, like trying to understand the story and adding suggestion to the story.
Later on the night, we had a deep conversation about my sexuality. She heard a news that a husband left his wife and had an affair with a guy. She was worried if i'd do the same. I was hurt a bit as she din't seem to trust me enough that i wouldn't do it. I also don't know how i can prove my innocence since i never ditch my partner for someone else! It was my first crush that ditched me for a girl! Sorry, i din't mention that part to her over fear of escalating the conversation.
I decided to give her some space and to talk it out with her friends as she did before. So far, i've been nothing but open and honest with her, just like how i did with my close friends. I just hope that time is on our side.
In other news, i finished my driving lesson. A friend of mine had also agreed to be my med school study partner. I hope this can motivate me to finally study for college again :<
I'm also hoping to return to this platform as a listener again, but my anxiety has been unhelpful. I feel like i'm under the pressure of perfectionism since i'm not keen on making mistakes when it come to dealing with people's problem :(
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I have a question, she mentioned previously how she's asking for help regarding our relationship from her friends. Her friends are also mine, and one of them is even a close one. Do you think i should ask them how she's doing? :<
I am so sorry for missing one night. My life was a little too chaotic last night to post.
Actually most of that sounds pretty good. You reached out and had a good basic conversation first. She is allowed to feel you out a bit on the rougher stuff. I know how devoted you are, but she isn't sure of that yet and anything outside her experience is going to sound a little weird. That she was honest enough with you to raise the issue rather than just going to her friends means that she trusts you. It is a good thing because she is sharing briefly her deepest thoughts.
I wouldn't probably talk to your joint friends about her. It might feel to her a little like talking behind her back. Not that you would be doing that, but I don't think any rough impression is worth the risk.
So what do you do? Same thing again. Wait about two days. If she doesn't contact you first, then make contact. Keep the conversation pretty light at first. If you end up having multiple conversations that last a bit like they did here, then you can simply ask how she is feeling about the question that she asked you last time. Reassure her that you are trustworthy and explain why once again. She will get more comfortable I think. It will just take her a few days.
It is great that you are doing the driving, finding a study partner, and considering Cups. Go slow with the Cups stuff if you aren't sure. I find it easiest to do it in depression support rather than being a listener. You can look near the top for "needs reply" I found being a listener was too hard because I felt so guilty when I had to let someone in trouble go for the night because I had to get to sleep. You can control the time better by just doing support messages here. They can be pretty short at first. But that would definitely be helpful. When someone replies back, you answer again. With some you can develop nice friendships like we have.@RhysThe3rd
Ok, sorry for not posting lately. Things just slowed down a bit. I think I'm starting to get the hang of the days. I tried to improve each day from each failure.
Me and her had a long conversation again two days ago. We established some boundaries, i got to open up to her about my sexual side. She seem to be uncomfortable with the latter part, but i reassured her that nothing bad will come out of it.
Although, the conversation did highlighted some of my already existing problems: my porn addiction, my insecurities, and long standing fear of living a life of loneliness. I don't really know how to approach these problems, so i'll probably do my own research on them.
Regarding my porn addiction, i feel like they stem from that fear of being lonely. I thought that the solution would be having more close friend or even a partner, but i doubt it's the case. Maybe it's a case of habit or bad coping mechanism.
I am so glad things have slowed down a bit and you feel a bit calmer. That is a good thing. It gives you time to work things out more.
You had a good conversation about boundaries it sounds like. Now you can keep moving forward slowly with the relationship. Make sure that you have some solid non-serious conversations next. They are also a considerable part of building a good relationship.
As far as the porn addiction goes, I think at this point habit is the greatest culprit. As you do your research, look especially at ways to find things to replace that with. That is the kind of thing that can wreck a relationship in an instant.
It is also probably related to your general insecurities and could be a way of punishing yourself because it allows you to always see yourself as "bad" which you actually aren't. So keep working on the self-esteem piece too.
You are going to get there. It is really just a step at a time and you are doing it. @RhysThe3rd
A mind that seeks constant stimulation and a body that is entrenched in comfort. I observed these two components as they ruin my day. It's also my fault that this even happened.
It started as a confusion, there's no plan for today. Then there's the food shortage, lethargy comes into play. At some point, my mind must've become too much to bare that i fall for my addiction again. It's quick, it does what it meant to do, a sort of coping mechanism, but it also left a sense of emptiness. What was it all about?
All that is left is this emptiness and meaninglessness. Imagine all of your actions dictated by the need to avoid that. Maybe this is the source of my workaholism, a constant need to be busy.
There's a discrepancy between what i want and what i need. I may want to constantly busy myself, but i also need to sustain myself in the process. There's a disdain for that sustainability.
Suffering can be used as a motivator. Especially if all of those suffering can be pointed at something or someone. Then it becomes hate. Hate of the self, hate of others, and hate of existence itself.
Maybe a second appointment is needed. Then i could just overdose on my medications. Neat.
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I don't think i'm even worth a dime, and these appointments are costing me a lot 😞
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My emotion feels like a whirlwind. It hurts so much. I felt paralyzed. I feel so overwhelmed. I wanted to cry, i wanted to cry. My mind is so loud. I wanted this to end ( T-T)
You made a one day mistake. It is really a form of self-harm at this point. Your mind tells you that you aren't worthy and then uses your addiction to prove it.
What are the best ways to stop? First, as your hands go to the computer to press the buttons, shut the computer and walk out the door. Take a walk instead. Give yourself a hug if you need one. Second, avoid beating yourself up after you make an error. They are going to happen every so often. You start to increase the distance between those moments over time. Praise that distance rather than focusing on the single short moment.
I have done regular self-harm (mainly just scratching my arms) for probably 7-8 years now. I have gotten it to the point where it is probably once a year at most. I am going to count that as a victory. @RhysThe3rd
Ok so, the results are in. I'm diagnosed with a major depressive disorder (MDD) and an anxiety disorder as well. Normally people wouldn't be happy about hearing this, but i guess i'm far from normal.
The session went ok, we talked about my progress during the semester break. She highlighted that i need to seek out more open spaces like the library, since a closed space, like my flat, can be bad on my mental health.
Other than that, she also urged me to diversify the places where i do my activities, that my flat should be relegated for rest only.
She's also concerned that i'm spending most of my time alone, considering my diagnoses. So she also urged that i seek out more social interactions.
She also pressed that i need to plan out my days more. That an unplanned day can cause some confusion that could lead to inaction.
Yeah that's pretty much it. My only complaint is i think she often derail too much from the main conversation. I don't know if that's intentional or not, it doesn't help that i have a small voice too.
A diagnosis is very much a relief for all of us. It allows you to process things and move forward. She is making some great suggestions. Sometimes conversations will go in weird directions that you don't anticipate. That's okay too.
You are doing a great job of finding a way to healing. I am proud of you. @RhysThe3rd
I can't sleep. Why? She said it. I never thought it would happen, but she loved me back omg 😭
Ok, for context, we promised each other that we would reach out if either has a problem, which is why i haven't posted anything lately. We also established a relationship goal, one of her's is to see me recover; like ;-;.
Other than that, things have gone smooth. Sure there are some rough days, but she's been very supportive of me and i love her for it. I've also been taking my psychologist's suggestion as well. Like going out to the library and minimize the time i spent in my flat.
I'm also worried about mum's word, how dating would interfere with my studies. I can already see it happening already, with our conversations often leading into the night, taking much of my sleep time.
What do you think of this? :<
Congratulations! One step at a time and you are doing it right now. That doesn't mean that there won't be ups, downs, and doubts. Those continue, but you are creating a more solid foundation for yourself.
Your dating life is improving your studying. You actually need that balance and confidence. Life is about creating balance rather than doing just one thing. So don't become obsessed with the dating or the studying.
You can do this just fine. @RhysThe3rd
@bestVase7265 So.. me and her were on a call earlier. I noticed I'm having difficulty initiating a conversation since most of our interactions are from texting. I'm worried that when we do meet, it'll be awkward. Like, none of us know what to talk about. I felt like I was obligated to carry the conversation somewhat. I felt incompetent and useless because I couldn't meet this obligation.
You can write about whatever you want. You are worthy no matter what. Talking about the relationship is fine. It is where your brain is at and where your concerns are at. She is very understanding and you are good together.
We all struggle with conversation topics sometimes. When you are actually together look at your surroundings. That will help with things to talk about. When you talk over the phone anytime you struggle with a topic try saying "what question could I ask her about her life?" That might help get things started.
Good job trying to work on the porn thing. By saying you are "failing" does that mean you are looking daily? What you are looking for is just improvement right now. So if it is twice a day take it down to once. If it is once a day attempt every other day. You can do this if you reframe it in terms of smaller victories. @RhysThe3rd
I studied the entire day overnight. Yet when the time came for the discussion class, I got nothing. I could barely think, process, or recall anything, not even the lectures I just had. Here I am, calling myself a medical or college student. What a future professor I am. What pathetic. All glamorous but hollow inside.
And her, god, why is she even involved in this. She probably doesn't even know anything. Since I'm more experienced, I probably manipulate and coerce her into a relationship with me. That's the truth. That's why I didn't call her my girlfriend; all of it felt artificial.
What a joke my life is, a sick and overused joke. I should probably end it, honestly. I can't believe my parents spent 1269$ on me. All of it wasted on a failure. I honestly should really just die alone. That's what I've been telling myself all this time.
I noticed a change of identity as I re-entered college again. More noticeable is the reemergence of my tendency to isolate myself. Sometimes, the environment gets too stressful, and seeking help can make you look incompetent in an environment that values competency.
I also noticed that I've become less carefree and more egocentric. The lack of internal validation and self-care pushes me to seek external validation, often at the cost of my own health.
It's also disheartening to see my friends still able to engage in self-care despite the demands of our faculty. Unsurprisingly, they seem to fare better than I do.
All of this is just causing me unnecessary headaches. It seems that I'm either doomed to repeat the same mistakes I made last semester or somehow make a change for the better. Again, this calls for a reevaluation of my approach to college..
I hope tomorrow's discussion session isn't as chaotic as the previous one..
I am so sorry that I missed a few days. I have been in the depression hole myself and only able to respond to a few people a night.
There is only one thing that I really want you to notice here between your two messages - you didn't sleep and stayed up all night studying. You CANNOT do that. It means you will stop thinking clearly and nothing that you do will come out right. It hurts your studying and sends you backwards.
Self care can begin and end with getting sleep and eating okay. After that all the stuff is extra. You know that as an emerging doctor.
So if you want to change the college pattern that's where you start. The step after that is studying outside your room as your therapist suggested.
You can still do this just fine. Every time you fall you are learning something. @RhysThe3rd
It was a misunderstanding. We were nothing more than friends. I was a fool for expecting more than that.
I felt myself eclipsed once more. The days just kept getting darker. Oh yeah, I nearly ended myself two days ago. Maybe it's a sign things will finally end, as it should.
I felt confused and hectic. I really feel like I want to end this. I just can't keep up with this anymore.. 😞
Are you trying to get enough sleep? Eating and drinking okay? Getting out of your room? Call your therapist if things get bad.
I doubt that your relationship is necessarily over. Your brain is playing tricks on you again. Let's see what we can do to get your more stable. @RhysThe3rd
Sorry for not posting lately. Life just got really hectic and busy for me. So, uh.. me and her decided not to commit to anything too serious until we met. She cited that it would be too early in life to commit to such a life-defining decision. So we settled for this. I can talk to her whenever I feel troubled; she'd happily help me. It's agonizing. She's been so helpful and kind, but distance split us. She's a gentle soul. I've never met someone who has such a nonchalant attitude towards life. I really don't know if she should be my girlfriend or not. She has one of the qualities I'm looking for: compassion. But she's flawed. I don't want to say that I overshadowed her in terms of knowledge; we were from different backgrounds after all. But perhaps her curiousity will make up for that.
Again... I want to hear your opinion on this...
College has been tumultuous lately. Sometimes, it felt like I didn't know what the lecturer was discussing. I tried making changes that would fill in that gap of knowledge. I like spending more time learning and only resting when I really need to. I also explored a bunch of studying techniques, the most recent one being watching a short video and then trying to explain my own interpretation of what the material is.
I also felt like I had been distant from my group again. Treating them like a competition rather than an accomplice. This, of course, had a negative outcome on me. Now my friends started distancing themselves from me. I had no other choice. My goal demands a sacrifice. No one says being a professor is going to be an easy task, let alone a professor of medicine.
Sorry if this feels like a rant, I just want to hear from you again. It's been awhile :(
It doesn't feel like a rant at all. You are just getting out emotions and working through stuff. That is always a good thing to do.
Your relationship is just entering another phase as you work on the friendship part of things for a bit. That is a critical part of any relationship whether it goes from more intimate to less intimate or not. Contact her every so often (maybe twice a week). Just ask her how things are going. You are allowed to come from different circumstances and be doing different things. Actually that is helpful.
As far as the studies go, keep experimenting with techniques. Some of my students mentioned creating study guides using AI. They put all of their notes in and ask it to compose a study guide. They say it helps. Also for really dense readings, you can have AI give you some idea of what things mean. Just don't use it to write things. You can always go and ask the professor as well. Most professors welcome questions.
I am a professor. It took me 12 years to get there (plus 4 years undergraduate and 2 years masters). But I never felt ignoring family or friends was the best approach. In fact I had three children in those 12 years. Those people anchored me so I could do the work. Avoid distancing yourself.
Also I will keep repeating - eating and drinking well, exercise and keeping up with your therapy are all critical.
You can do this. @RhysThe3rd
Something changed. I can't bring myself to be the workaholic I was a year ago. I took an interval of breaks instead of one long study hour. I started reading comics. Instead of workaholism, I talked things out with her.
I mentioned her, but I don't know how much credit I should give her. But I felt like her presence gave me the stability I needed to implement changes. My awareness of my mistake also contributed to this change. It is simply dumb to repeat a mistake. The least I can do is implement some minor tweaks to remedy the consequences.
Now I'm in this state where past me is just silently screaming in my head, trying to correct me or return me to that workaholic condition.
That comic also helped a lot. It's called "Hooky," it's on webtoon. It's a story of a twin witch and their friends in a world of wizards and witches. Whenever I read the comic, I felt something. The way they have fun, the way they form bonds. I don't know if that's possible after what I've done. The least I can do is be comfortable with myself or cultivate a bond with my close friends.
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I've been reading the comic a lot. Maybe it has something to do with my dissatisfaction with life. All corners of my head said I should study. I was tired of them. For once, I want to feel alive. For once, I didn't want to be just a student. If anything, the comic showed me that there are things that I value other than studying.
The problem is, I don't know how to live! Yes, I want to feel alive, but I don't know how! I don't know how to have fun. Fun has been absent in my life for a while. The most engaging thing I've ever done is starting to read that comic.
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So uh, I've implemented some of the suggestions that you offered. So far AI has been helpful in helping me understanding complex topics by giving me a general explanation of them.
I'm really tired friend, but knowing I have her on my side and I could take some breaks where I just rest or read a comic reliefs me a bit.
There's a quiz tomorrow. I haven't properly prepared myself, so I'm really relying on the prior knowledge I've gained.
I talked about her a lot, the question of do I love her comes around a lot too. Like, to be honest, I don't even know what love is. Most of my knowledge of it come from romance novels. Maybe I can look that up or maybe you can fill me in on this..
Pardon, but I'll take a rest now.
You actually are doing pretty great here. You aren't supposed to figure it out all at once. You do that over time with all of those little tweaks, figuring out what works and what doesn't. I love how you are really paying attention on how to create more life balance.
The comics are actually pretty healthy for you. They are giving you a nice brain break. I have recently picked up a novel for the same reason. I scatter studying (or grading in my case) with taking breaks throughout the day. It makes the tougher stuff easier, but I commit myself to always returning to the tough stuff regularly. You are going to develop a good system.
What is love is a difficult question to answer because it is personalized. But it starts from accepting that you are worthy of love and that you can eventually find someone even if it takes your whole life. Try to avoid applying to much stress to it because that keeps it from happening. I know with me, I pretty much knew during our conversations that I was attracted to my future husband. He asked such good questions and seemed genuinely interested in my answers. But after that initial stage, the work began of building the relationship. That involves a bunch of compromise and give and take.
Good luck on the quiz. You can do this. @RhysThe3rd
I hate myself so much. I spent seven hours on my discussion assignment. Seven hours! I was barely alive when I finished it. You know how much of it I actually discussed? Barely half of it. I must have forgotten how much my tuition cost, how much my *** living expenses cost. What do I have to show for it? Nothing! I've been nothing but a pathetic little ***. I let myself get too comfortable and let others use me as a doormat.
I hate me! I hate me so much! All of that pain for nothing! I really wish I would die, but I can't, so I made it clear how much I hate myself by cutting my hand. I don't care about the pain, I deserve it. I'll be glad when I actually start seeing blood dripping from it.
I'm such a disappointment, a burden.
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"You'd regret not replying to your parent had I not been alive."
Sadness, guilt, shame, and pain. I'm such a burden to them. How am I still allowed to live?
The knock on the door, the window, and the pulling of the doorknob.
I hate it. I hate how, despite being separated by an ocean, they can pull some strings and get to me. It would relieve them to know they no longer need to check on me. Because I won't be alive to reply to them. At least, what I hope would happen if I could down ten pills of my vitamins simultaneously.
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The difference between a medicine and a poison is a drug's dosage. That's what pharmacology taught me last semester.
Ten pills of vitamin. Possible iron poisoning leads to gastrointestinal complications after an onset of 30-60 minutes. In worst cases, hopefully, this leads to a slow but certain death.
I wish off-ing myself would be as easy as cutting myself. It's the least I can do for my parents. Saving them from the financial sink that is me. I wouldn't bother anyone anymore, as well.
For now, I have to wait. For a time without logic, without empathy, without regret.
I am going to answer below so the thread doesn't get too small. @RhysThe3rd
@RhysThe3rd Hi, I am sorry that you are not feeling well. Remember that you are not alone. Asking for help is a good way to start your healing. You deserve to be listened to without judgment.
I am so sorry that you had such a rough episode. They are so draining.
But just because you didn't get done what you needed to once doesn't make you unworthy of life. You are so so much more than what happens over one day or one week. You have disappointed no one except yourself.
You are tired. Studying is hard. It happens.
You can simply try again. Let your therapist know you are struggling. Reach out. You aren't alone in this journey.
I know what it feels like. I am back on the roller coaster again myself. But I refuse to give in to it. There is just one answer. Getting back on your feet and knowing that you can get back on the road and do better next time.
It's raining. I'm standing in the middle of a rubble, my past self. I've dealt quite the damage here. There's fires everywhere, and the rain doesn't seem to put it out. The
I felt the rumbling in my pocket, my compass. I opened it to find the arrow swirling aimlessly before setting in a direction. Despite everything that has happened, I still have things to do. Destroy, rebuild, it became tiring at this point.
But that's just how life is, I guess. You don't die at every failure. you just have to restart the entire course again. With a heavy sigh, I set to rebuild what was left of myself. The average human experience. Until the time comes, I'll simply have to comply with life's absurdity. *** great
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I made a confession poem to her, but she doesn't like me back. She just wants to help me.
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I've decided, after several years of no signs of recovering, that everything is coming to an end. The date for this finality should be the 28th, just a day before my departure back to the main island. So far I've only managed to came up with a date. I have several proposal method as to how it'll go, most likely from overdose of the vitamin I've been using lately, zegavit.
Until the day came, I'll try to slowly deprive myself of my basic needs, starting with sleep, to make the last days of my life as painful as possible. Thank you for accompanying me this far, but I could no longer deal with life's absurdity.
Stop now. This kind of talk is very dangerous and you know it.
You also know that I am not going anywhere. I don't care what you say. You are wonderful and have a great possible life ahead. I will be wrecked if you leave this world and so will lots of other people.
But the time has come to contact your therapist. Tomorrow.
Life is hard. I know that too. But you can find a better path. You have done that on so many occasions. YOU HAVE SHOWN PLENTY OF SIGNS OF RECOVERING. It is time to pull yourself up again and reach out for help.
The rejection, it just threw me off. Of course she wants to help! Of course I've misinterpreted her intention for romantic interest because I am desperate for it.
Why do I feel, think so much?! I've been trying to sleep it off, but it only drags on for an four days! Four *** days!
"Oh YoU hAVe FaCiLIty, wHaT A PRivEleGe!" Yeah, must've been a privilege to be surrounded by things worth more than yourself, to feel guilty for every dime spent on yourself, to be forever in debt to them, to trade self autonomy for facility, you are a slave! There's no "I" in this life. I was never given a choice. Always what's best for me. Why are you playing with the other kids?! Shouldn't you be studying?! Why are you being such a ungrateful f*cking kid! Other people only have rice and egg for f*cking dinner! Pray to god you ungrateful ***! We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him!
I'm sick of it! I'm sick of these feelings! These f*cking thoughts they occupy my head leading to s*icidal ideation that only ends in hesitation, what a f*cking waste! I'm sick of feeling hurt whenever my friends ambiguous facial expression indicates that they're upset at me! I'm sick of overthinking things! I'm sick of this torrent of feeling that I have no where to vent! I'm sick, friend, ***! I want to d*e!
At the end, I felt tired. I thought I finally found my save haven. A place where I can be imperfect, that it's okay to make mistakes because life is not all about studying. Suddenly all of the weight I've been carrying doesn't feel so heavy anymore. I have her, she has me. What a fantasy that is. What a sick joke life has throw at me.
I'm just alone in all of this. Forever a slave, forever in debt, forever a burden, forever suffering, and forever broken. There's no escaping this torment. My only hope is that every turn, at every dice role, my luck will finally ran out and life will finally end.
I know that the rejection threw you off. It's okay. Those things naturally take time to recover from.
That feeling of "I am supposed to be blessed, why can't I get things together?" is one of the worst ones in depression. It is especially hard to get over that if your parents have argued otherwise. Your brain chemicals simply aren't blessing you. Your outside circumstances can have nothing to do with those.
You are allowed to be tired of all the overthinking. It really is hard. When I am doing too much of that, I start asking myself whether my actions can change my thought patterns. I know that I can't change the thoughts on my own. I am going to keep ruminating unless I start doing things like walking a great deal outside and not feeling guilty when I rest. Focus on changing your actions for a bit rather than staying in your apartment. That's where the danger is.
Sending lots of strength and peace. You are going to get over this frustrating, horrific bump. One step at a time. @RhysThe3rd
The in-between, luminality, it seems our existence is inseparable. I could only offer you my words, for my body is bound to this object of comfort they call bed. Sounds, the experience of the senses, they elicit me to write these stories, these confessions. It's one of my main forms of expression, for I do not talk, and the silence speaks louder than me.
I couldn't comprehend why these experiences elicit such a strong feeling that I felt the need to write about them. I wish to experience life outside of my own schedule outside of my flat, yet my body is bound to this secluded space with the promise of safety and comfort. In the end, I could only experience life through literature, videos, and images, all of which don't capture the essence of living, only imitates it.
So I'm left hoping, I'm hopeful, that this is not a permanent state of being. That something eventful will come about. I just need to be patient. Live, go out, do something, watch the sun sets. I don't have the energy to do any of them. So I'm left with my books and stories to comfort me. At least I can be alive, even if just a bit. At least I can be hopeful, even if just a bit.
I couldn't write any longer, my arms are giving out. It hurts. Just rest for a bit..
After a long-headed discussion and some second opinions, it's official: we're finally dating! ð¥³
Spring finally came! Spring finally came! Hope prevails! Hope prevails! Oh, we must not let this torrent of positivity go to waste! I must share this gift once possible ð¥³
