Always Lonely
Hi,
I’ve not really posted until now because I’m always very anxious and tbh embarrassed to share things, even if it is anonymous. But I don’t have anyone to talk to anyway so I thought I would try. I’m a 23M and I’ve been struggling with really terrible depression for a long time. I don’t have a support system and don’t really have a ton of friends. My parents are the opposite of supportive so Im forced to pretend to be happy/okay anytime Im home, which is sadly most of the time because I don’t have friends to hang out or talk with regularly. I always feel alone, all the time. Even on the rare occasions I get to hang out with others, I end up feeling absolutely alone and useless. I have a really hard time making friends, and the friends I do make don’t really make efforts to hang out with me, it’s always me reaching out which makes me feel extremely replaceable and unimportant. I don’t really feel special or important to anyone tbh, including my parents, and I’m just always feeling depressed and worthless. I try to be confident, but I really don’t have anything to be confident about, and the consistent rejections and failures have deprived my self-esteem completely. I just want to feel important, even if it’s to one person. I wish that i had a friend that would be always be excited to talk to me, and want to hear about everything, and make me feel loved and valued, but that seems like a wild fantasy to have for me. I feel really pathetic as well when people mention stuff they did during small talk like hang out with friends or travel or anything, because I don’t have friends and don’t have many life experiences because I’ve dont have people to do things with, and sometimes I don’t really understand social norms for the same reason. I don’t really feel like I’m deserving of love because I was really neglected by my parents and I dont feel important or funny in general to people. I’m honestly not really sure how exactly these threads work but I hope I used this correctly. Thank you for listening to my venting.
@teddyxj0461
Dear Seeker of Truth,
I read your words and sense the depth of your contemplations. Life can indeed be a mysterious labyrinth, a symphony of experiences and emotions. Your willingness to explore the path of self-discovery is a beautiful journey as you dance in step with the flow of seasonal winds.
As you navigate the currents of existence, remember that life's challenges are like waves upon the ocean. They rise and fall, but at the core, you are the vast and serene sea. Embrace the flow, and in doing so, you might discover that the answers you seek are woven into the very fabric of your being.
In the words of the great Alan Watts, "This is the real secret of life — to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play."
May your journey be one of profound playfulness, and may the music of your existence bring a smile to your face.
With warm regards,
Your fellow traveler Leonydus
Hi Leonydus, thanks a lot for replying. I really want to be in a place where I can feel like life is play, but I’m definitely far from there at the moment.. some days I am more hopeful than others tho so maybe it’s just ahead
@teddyxj0461
There's so many tragedies! Dark comedies. Dramas. Horrors! And on and on. All of life is a stage, they say! What will your next Act be? Will you be an extra, the star or maybe the director? The choice is yours.
@teddyxj0461
i have always been a bit of a loner and although i do a few things with people i do not feel a part of it more like an outside observer not a regular cast member .... When we talk of society Norms ... what do you think those are?
Honestly when people said "hung out with friends" what did they do? i see it all the time ...a group at restaurant all on their phones and just talking about what ever they are seeing or reading on phone.... these people are not connected in a real way. sharing memes is not a fulfilling friendship.
They say what they think others want and many do not feel like they can share openly....... sound familiar ? we are not that far off in how we feel ... i asked a person whom i thought was super engaged and he says many of the hanging out are superficial ... and might as well been alone.
umm for social norms it’s honestly hard to think of in the spot. It’s just sometimes there are things that are really common for people with close families and friends that I just don’t know.. Idrk how to explain..
Yeah that happens sometimes, and other times they’re really engaged and talking and laughing and making memories; I guess I mean more of the latter part that I wish I had. Like going to a cottage together or on vacation with friends- there’s no way to replace those experiences which is what makes me sad that I don’t have them. I’ve been part of friend groups where i can tell the others feel at home and click with each other but I don’t, and so they all laugh and talk and have an extremely fun time, but I don’t and just feel bad that I don’t fit in with them.
I think that depends on the type of friendships; superficial ones are bland, and tbh that’s all I’m at right now so I know what you mean. I just hope to get to that point where I can have friends that genuinely feel close and love to be around me
@teddyxj0461
when i asked about your idea of social norms it was because many form those opinions based on portrayed ideas in TV/ commercials and social media .... many of the good time beer ads are just that staged .
I have done the group vacations/ the gather for event and we are all trying to look like what we think it is ... we miss out on real sometimes, we have a moment or two but not the TV ad experiences.
yeah now that you mention it, I think that tv shows and *** and just seeing those things definitely add on to my idea of what things should be like, which is probably making the feelings worse. Placing that expectation of “it should be like a movie” makes it really hard to be present and have fun. Ik I do this is a lot actually; I’ll be like (okay I’m with people, I will have fun… what should I do to have fun right now with them… why am I not having fun…) and it spirals from there. It’s really wild how much tv and what we watch/see can impact the way we just expect things to happen
Have a hug 🫂
