A rant.

Sometimes I really just don’t like my life. All year long I’ve been trying to make things better, which they have improved but if I’m being totally honest there’s things about my life I really can’t stand. I feel a serious sense of imposter syndrome most days because I find myself pretending to be alright with everything even when I’m actually not. It seems that I always have to fake it to make it and it’s a form of survival. If I don’t pretend to be okay then I can’t pay my bills, if I don’t pay my bills then I get evicted. The pretending every day has gotten so hard lately, especially with the death of my cat. Yesterday, I took my anxiety medicine to help take the edge off of everything but today I’m waking up feeling very weak. I’m supposed to go to church today but to be honest that feels overstimulating to me because the last three days have been very hard. I haven’t been wanting to spend time around the church community because it seems that people are fake and judgmental on the low - even if they don’t say it. I find more solstice in being alone but I have a very extroverted job. To be honest, I just decided that I’m not going to church because I really don’t feel like being bothered although I’m supposed to be filling in for someone because we support kids. Emotionally, I just don’t have a lot of capacity for too much else. I know today will be overstimulating because they’re going to be celebrating people leaving the church, which one man I feel happy that he’s leaving so I don’t feel like pretending to be down with everyone else. I actually feel a deep sense of relief that he’s gone because he made me feel negative on the inside and I think it’s because he doesn’t have himself together. I hate to cancel my church attendance today /: but it’s what it is. I have to remember that I am grieving and I have to take things slowly instead of rushing through so much just to be there.