At a deadlock

* can be triggering*

 Imagine a bicycle that goes around a roundabout. No matter how fast it goes, it could jump in the air or roll on itself, it is still stuck in that roundabout. The bicycle in itself is really performing, there's no lack in speed or anything. But there's an external block that doesn't allow it to go anywhere past that roundabout. 

   So that's the situation I'm at right now. When the bicycle has enough of looping to the point it never ends, it ends up not being as powerful, his tires end up punctured, and the bicycle has to continue it's loop with punctured tires and no other place then that roundabout. Fortunately, I think I can say that I at least changed my roundabout, moving to one that is better then the past. But even if the situation I'm stuck at is better then before, I'm still stuck. And expecting myself to feel greatful for how much I've moved forward when I'm constantly under meaningless arguments and gaslighting and a ton of super exhausting stuff is tiring in itself. It's like when you escape internal prison, you have to deal with the external which is less predictable. And since I can't physically escape the external situation, I have to either stay in it, or "accept it" which isn't as easy as it seems, OR go refugiate myself in the internal, full of self criticism and addiction.

    Which one is worse? That, I do not know. The confusion in both is pretty terrible. Imagine living somewhere where being happy is a threat? ( tell me if you relate). Anyway I've been living something apparently called anhedonia, and I basically feel in my mind. Like, my feelings are superficial, and my friendships as well. In one sentence, it's "What's the point?". I can't enjoy books, I barely tolerate cinema of any kind, and drama around me , just people shouting, is highly triggering and can destroy me easily. It's that feeling of being fragile. So, there's a woman that cleans the house and honestly does everything and lives with us. The poor people my mother employs always end up being not only overworked but also emotionnaly abused. (what a great ambience to live in)! So, that woman probably has some personnality disorder, because she isn't capable of setting nor understanding boundaries. I do like her because she often is kind to me, but she easily falls into the drama trap my mother and sister set for her, which leaves me hearing her argue with them all the time. She is not capable of controlling her anger. So I think if she leaved it would be better for both of us. She left before, tired of the disrespect. But now my mother, knowing she needs money, employed her again, for the chaos. It's horrible to use people's lack of awareness against them.

     It's cruel.

  And that's why I'm stuck engaging in behaviors that do not help me, and why positive affirmations aren't enough. Also, while I like that people take the time to read what I write and to respond, I am honestly fed up with the "it's not your fault, you will be alright". While it's not wrong, it's always the same stuff, and I feel like I need something else.

Perhaps I should stop writting here? I don't know.