oliveSailboat9838 Member Profile

I live in abstraction ( you need to be a little insane to read this)

Depression Support / by oliveSailboat9838

September 29th, 2025

...See more Often times the things you don't think about come out way better than if you asked yourself to come up with an idea. And often the opposite happens, don't ask me what opposite. You see, the problem with life is that it's too contradictory. And when you dive into these contradictions too much, you end up in existential crisis, or even depression, all these things. And maybe the road to becoming what people call crazy isn't too far away. Because when you think about it, people with disabilities as we call, trauma, all, only really end up okay because they had help. And those who turned insane, well they become that way because they didn't. I'm really proud of my title, why? Because I don't have a why. Insane is what I feel, but I also say I feel like a ghost, and now a new way I put is I live in abstraction. Abstraction, as in art I heard the professor say, is Something that isn't real. For me, it always was, something you can't explain. Well, my life could be explained, but at a deeper core, you couldn't feel like me right now no matter how much it would have been explained. When I say my brain isn't working, which is the truth, I end up being reassured, told it's okay, or that if I can talk I'm okay. But they don't realize I'm not talking. I don't know what is talking. And if you thought i'm insane, I would find it more honest than if you said I'm normal. Cause on the outside I am part of the picture. But people don't recognise me. Their bodies don't. Maybe their brains do. But since I live in emptiness, I don't feel empty, that's the distinction, the only people who can notice me; won't notice me. They will not notice ME. But my emptiness, why, because they feel it. And my explanation cannot satisfy people. Why? Because I can't apply to logic. Neither can I to emotions. But to something that isn't real, abstraction. And I don't think anybody can get it. I don't know anyone who gets it. Nor do I know if I could receive that acceptation from them now. And what is now? It's so theorical, in me, because I live in abstraction and time isn't part of me. My brain isn't functionning the way it would. And picking words is hard, because they all feel untrue, and not untrue, but not describtive. Just. I think if I could think logically I would say I'm in search for stimulation. And it's not filled. The other time that woman who says she's a psychologist, at school, asked me one thing that stayed in what's left of my mind: " Do you REALLY want to feel better?" So on the outside it feels like the most stupid and judgmental question. And it's what I thought in the moment, and I still think she's stupid for saying it because I don't think she thought of the second layer at all, and if you knew her you would say the same. My body didn't want to see her, but my brain did. And in that moment my brain understood. But also, there's a deeper truth, after the fact that yes, every depressed person whishes she wasn't, then you have that contradictory thing When you "accept" you're depressed, aka when you understand that your depression well, makes sense, you understand that the world wants you to stop being depressed and just continue be the way it was. Sometimes, you do stop being depressed, I did, but then, sometimes, you end up falling into something that doesn't feel like depression. It feels like being ghosted by the world. And it's almost poetic. The problem is when , paradoxically, like me, you still want to be noticed. You still have hope, you still try hard. That's when the dissonnance comes. People think depressed people just don't try hard enough. But no. They tried too much. That's the problem. But the other problem, (ANOTHER contradiction, proof life is just about contradictions) , is that we can't stop trying, because it's even harder. It's not about philosophy. It's about being a ghost. They say people who are different are special, but what if they're just ghosts nobody notices because maybe not fitting in can be fitting so much you end up lost in the background. You don't fit in with the special people, the different ones, and being basic is almost a difference. What are the words "different" and "basic"? Yes, I lost my mind. Not because I write this but also because I write this. I want to be seen. I want to be different, special. I'm not. I'm like all humans. Perhaps that's actually being different, to recognize you're not. Not to be humble. I don't care. Perhaps not knowing means knowing, means intelligence. Perhaps accepting to not know is greater than thing you do. I don't see myself as intelligent, smart even less. Intelligence also means informations. So does that mean have informations make you intelligent? I don't have a lot of informations. But I can think well, that's for sure. So if you say being intelligent means you can think well, I would say I'm that. And when I read those words I imagined an old guy, and I'm obviously not. But sometimes when I'm depressed I do like talking this way. I don't really know who I am at all. Mature, or childish, creative, into logic or emotions, psychology or peotry, concrete things or abstract ones, imagination or realistic things. Could I be all? I only know that I like asking questions, so I am curious, but also I would describe myself, on my recent experiences in this place, that I hate school. Is school made for people who don't want to know? So maybe the problem with therapy, is it's not abstract. That's why having a person who gets you, is better than a therapist. I don't want to teach people things, or heal them, I want to help people get out of child abuse. And I want to write. But I want to live more than anything. And I'd give up any "gifts" I have for this amazing thing that is life when you're yourself. I don't wanna be a ghost in the stratosphere, a girl stuck because she stayed so much in the past she wanted to go to the future, and then couldn't stay in the present, because all she could be at was one of the extremes. I'm not old, or a guy. I feel like when I talk people only get one thing out of me and leave the rest aside. The logical. Or not so much... Only logical as we see it. Just information. Maybe what we see as logic isn't so much. Maybe when you put logic as a religion and you don't question it, the thing you call logical ends up being a universal thing but maybe it isn't. My problem if I summarized all I wrote, is I questionned authority, and nobody else did, or does, so I'm lost. I don't even want to meditate anymore, or think everything is alright, but it isn't. If it was just some other people's lifes, if for me bullying, emotionnal abuse, were just things that happen to other people, it wouldn't impact me this way. But now I can't just get over it because it's still my reality and I don't wanna gaslight myself anymore. NB: Didn't know what to put this into, so I put it into depression. But if 7CUPS was to create a community called " Existential crisis" this would fit into it for sure. Not being too abstract for my own sake, reasonably a person

Change VS Normalization

Trauma Support / by oliveSailboat9838

September 26th, 2025

...See more 🌸 So as traumatized people often do, I have big wishes. I want future teens to be able to have an option of escape in an abusive place, whether it's neglect, emotionnal abuse... But not only that. To be able to be understood on complex things, to be believed, because unfortunately, not everyone benefits from trustworthy people and seeing things like: In danger, go to adults you trust. But what if, all your life, those adults were always the ones hurting you? Not everyone has a kind professor who has their back, or even a functionnal school to begin with. In some countries, abuse is never spoken of, not even physical, or barely. And it's okay to acknowledge that. Sometimes, you don't need big words but to say, "I believe you" is already making a HUGE difference. And so, even if I'm not in the position to make big moves right now, I aspire to be the person who's honest and I will never support abuse. I want to inspire you, even if we don't know each other, to maybe help some child you know in a difficult unhealthy situation. 🌂 But the sad truth is the reason why so many decent, good people don't do anything, I realized, is because of something called normalization. Normalization happens to both witnesses, and victims/survivors; which become witnesses themselves. And I myself fell for that in all it's sides, though to a lesser degree than my sister and the others of the family. It's basically becoming so attuned to something terrible, that you don't notice how it affects you or others anymore. A really good example is with my cats. 📢 TW: Pet abuse, skip paragraph if you want ** So it was very obvious father didn't want the cats. He complained, complained, complained. And then one day, he accidentally closed the door on one of the kittens from our female cat. And obviously, as any mother would normally do, she did what she thought as protecting her child/kitten. And so she jumped on him attacking him. SO, he took it as an occasion to let the cats out of the house. Which are cats who were previously never allowed outside. Always lived at home. I can still hear the mother screaming in the night because of other cats who come stealing their food, placed in the garden, or attacking the kittens. I don't know if they feel emotionnal distress like we do, but if they do, then they do feel pretty damaged. Because of the incident, he never lets them in the house, and we have to not let them too. On the earlier days, we used to have to close the doors on rooms with open windows, so the mommy cat couldn't enter, as he was "scared of her". But now, she only starts making noise in the late night, helpless as I am, to make change, reluctant to stay here, and the cats learned to be scared of us, without distinction. They normalized to the situation, and I did too, tho it disgusts me. ** 📢 TW END 😵‍💫 So it shows that whether you're a child or a cat, you learn to normalize things. The younger you are, the easier it is. Helplessness plays a big part in it, and also this thing : nuance. This damned question: But what if it's not all black or white? What if they change? 😵‍💫 It's what we see in movies, what we're taught our whole lives. To not put labels on people, to be tolerant. But sometimes, that tolerance isn't placed on the right people. Sometimes, labels are needed when they help you understand yourself better, or when you need to explain the behavior of those who messed you up. Sometimes, we can not explain things with words. That's why we need empathy. But empathy is often not enough if you don't have practical help. Sometimes, like in my case, you start crumbling. And despair has one good thing, it makes you do anything to find a solution. In my case, it's how to escape. Tomorrow, I'm seeing someone and I'll be honest for the first time. Because I need help, while being taken seriously. If I learned one thing about depression, it's that it makes sense. Depression is here for a reason. It needs to tell you something. It's a symptom, more than the problem. Tomorrow I'll start my last-chance plan ✊ Thanks to anyone who read all of that. If anything, I just want what this site gave me, because that's what I can get here. Words of encouragement and support. Because words do matter, they did help me a lot. And if empathy and practical stuff have to go separetely, I'll take it gratefully as it is. Here I know I'm not too much, because mental health is what this place is for. This web space. 🌠 Anyways, it was me.

My life looks like World War III

Depression Support / by oliveSailboat9838

September 21st, 2025

...See more Trigger warning I don't think I ever was that depressed. I mean, I used to be able to at least save appearances, or I would just be depressed some days and I would experience joy sometime in the week. Right now? I feel sick. Like mentally sick. I can't physically wake up. I just CAN'T. It feels like that one horror movie where the girl just replays her awful day for eternity and just can't stop the loop, and that's for two entire weeks. My brain just CAN'T do more than one super simple short homework, and I nned massive effort to be able to resist the urge to not do it. Time feels non existent. Like it's against me. One hour feels like 5 minutes. I'm either not present at class, either late. My house is not better. The neighbors are doing renovation work and the noise just wrenches my ears. And the worst is I have no support. I feel like all my friends are changing, abandoning me, going into a new phase of teenagehood while I'm stuck being the same. I feel lost and constantly late, literally and metaphorically. " just don't compare yourself to others", well I'm not, I'm just trying to have a social life. Back then I felt like I didn't have any, well I would do anything to return to that place because it was still better than now. When you don't have a lot of friends and two of them ghosted you at the same time, and when they were tied to most of what you enjoyed about your week, well, you don't enjoy your week. I can't believe they just disappeared from my life, just like that. They got new friends, just like that. I feel prisoner of my own body, my house, my school. I don't feel alive at all. And not going to school makes me even more late and even more guilty. I just want to escape all of this. Nobody gets it. Ask help from your parents, they say, the therapists. How do I explain THEY'RE the one harming me? It always sounds too big to even think about saying. I realized how much I had everything figured out, how much I was doing to try at least. All the people I had then, where are they now? Nobody cares should be written on my t-shirt. When therapy is all about 'find someone you trust, blah blah, ' but what when you don't trust anybody, because everybody deceives you, and not even yourself? When you feel like a burden for expressing your feelings because nobody ever does so? I feel like living with a bunch of actors, but when I can't meet the job of acting for the roles I have, student, friend, daughter, polite girl whatever, I'm out-cast. I just don't exist. People don't know in what box to put me, so they ignore me. In a way, it's worse than mockery, bullying, shouting at me. I'm just a ghost. " Don't self pity", well , it's better than telling myself to do some morning routine at 4 AM and just "try more". Why was I even born?

I feel broken in my self esteem (though I want to be confident)

Self-Esteem / by oliveSailboat9838

September 12th, 2025

...See more I didn't know what community to put this at, so here I am! *Little Trigger warninggg as you know. Abuse, neglect, all that stuff * It's really rough for me these days, because problems pile up at the same time, and I'm emotionnally exhausted. And I have a father and a sister who judge me for basically breathing. And I'm scared of walking, talking and even smiling. I have a social anxiety which I fear nobody can top, though I look fine on the external. My friends just don't know how much efforts it takes me to look "normal" and even convince myself I can talk normal. When daily trauma affects your day to day life, when you're in a class where everything feels different and when you can't have a father who accepts letting you go to your mother's house to take old display books to use for the next classes because you waited a week telling professors next day you'll have the notebooks and you are late in re-writting lessons of nearly all classes let alone homework and you can't sleep because you feel threatened and unsafe but it's valid AND you have no one to seriously and honestly talk to about your real issues (not just I didn't sleep), which is probably the worst thing on the list, then you're gonna do a simple thing which is burn out, and also procrastinate and disconnect and a less socially acceptable thing which is not being able to not collapse and even concentrate in what the professors are saying. Add in having ADHD? Well, that's me. I don't want pity. I just want to be seriously helped. And all adults who I should turned out untrustworthy. Also I realized this terrible fact that I was so much bullied everywhere that it began to be weird to be liked or treated well. IMAGINE. When somebody respects me, I wonder if they don't secretly judge me, and when somebody shows pleasure in speaking to me, I wonder how long it's gonna last. I feel like I'm walking in the shadows of who I was, and there's no obvious answer out there. I also learnt that the men ( the weirdoos) in one of my two neighbourhoods look at me weirdly ( creeeps), and I'm gonna go silent in what father told me was the reason for that. Spoiler alert, I basically can't go out now. Without being judged, potentially harassed tho I never lived that, and of course without feeling comfortable in my clothes or skin. How do I keep it together? Or persuade myself I'm not broken? My best idea was writting a book, but all of my novel type ideas ended up... Crashing. And naturally, I have another "the best idea" just after, and so on... Tell me my brain is not depressing.

Nobody believes I have ADHD (but I do)

ADHD Support / by oliveSailboat9838

September 13th, 2025

...See more The last time I talked to my therapist, I prepared a paper with things I deeply thought of, so when I read I could explain it and explore in this direction. But now I had no sheet, I was spontaneous, and my brain was on fire and unable to think. I told her that, and she said I was just here to be spontaneous and I didn't need a text. But then I told her I was afraid of being judged, and she said I wasn't going to be judged. So spoiler alert, I felt judged. It's this horrible sensation where you know somebody's judgment in advance, and you tell them you know they are going to have that judgment of you, but they still throw it at you. I just kept being interrupted and she just threw assumptions at why I was doing or thinking, even worse, the way I am. And either she was wrong, either I already knew all she was going to say. And it's why I didn't wanna go to a therapist (I was forced by mother), because I know they always simplify all my experiences. And I never feel understood. I thought at least ADHD was something simple to get for somebody who's known as a specialist of kids's struggles, but she didn't even say I "don't look like I have ADHD. " or smthg, she said "ADHD is when you can't focus on ANYTHING, and you focus based on what you like" and I was like, "no, ADHD is not being able to focus on boring tasks" and even tho it sounds wrong it's the true definition and I know it, but she was like, not taking me seriously. She said she knew better than me as a specialist, and it drew the barrier, saying " I know all and you don't". And when I said I hated school rules she said "You have a problem with rules, but rules are important...." It's like all I say is taken the wrong way, really. And it's so frustrating. Because the woman is known as an amazing therapist, and she's kind, but she doesn't understand me. And she did, last time, or I felt like she did. But it's like, if even a specialist doesn't believe I have ADHD, who will? And who will get my struggles for what they really are and not some "you just don't believe in yourself" because it's WAY more complex than that. And I'm sorry, but I can't just laugh at the disaster that is my family , which is not a family but a group of individuals who ally with each other against other individuals, which is mostly me, at least when I'm present. And I need help to leave all that, or even just to be believed entirely. It just feels so gaslight-y g when everybody finds somebody competent or nice but you don't. And the more I grow up, the more I feel like a rebel that will never have her place in society. What do you think? Will I ever be understood somewhere else than online? Should I write a text next time? Should I just take these appointments as what they are: something forced upon me? Thanks for making it this far. Bravo, you don't have ADHD; ( or maybe you do... And ADHD is not what it seems?)

ACTUAL tips for living with narcissists (no bs)

Trauma Support / by oliveSailboat9838

September 11th, 2025

...See more Hii here I'm gonna be completely honest and tell my advice for surviving in a highly triggering for the least environment! (I do advise you to read this after watching some videos on the matter and being already educated on your situation, and make your own research to gain awareness) Free to disagree! 1) Buy noise cancelling headphones 🎧 : It's extremely important if you live with narcissistic people or just in an environment that's extremely loud with a lot of arguing, tension, and if you can't move from that environment. Especially if you're in your own room and the noise is insufferable, like when my neighbors did renovation work it was absolutely ear wrenching and having my headphone was super useful, or when I have to follow my parents on a trip, it's really reassuring to know you can escape. 📢THOUGH I don't know the effects long term, and I found it displeasant for a long period, and when I remove it I'm really careful to do it slowly to not cause sensory shock. 2) You're not ALWAYS gonna be calm 💥 The greatest mistake of some youtube advice is they don't really work for if you're with toxic people for more then one day; especially narcissistic people. You're not always gonna be able to gray rock. Like, sure, not reacting is nice, and controlling your emotions can protect you. But it's not sustainable long term, at least it wasn't for me. If you have a lot of bottled up stuff from childhood, or are highly sensitive, you ARE gonna end up reacting. It's not if you react, it's when you react. And it's really important to accept it and not blame yourself for it. THO this is for when you have greatly gained awareness and became better on managing your anger, and understood that arguing with them is useless. Sometimes you're just gonna burst out crying or just shouting of exhaustion. And if it feels liberating, then accept it. It's perfectly okay. What you want is to disminish the number of times you react and the amount you react. What matters is you can get out of a discussion, not that you don't start it. That's huge and what the real power is, away from unrealistic standards. 🔑The key is to keep your shouting for yourself, like I do alone talk a lot, is more efficient then writting sometimes; and I say all the things I can't say to the narcissist, or I sing, or I punch the punching ball. 3) One technique only won't work You see, as I said, grey rock is great. But if it was that easy, people wouldn't have so much trouble in narcissistic relationships. They ARE sometimes really "smart", in the manipulation game essentially, and dangerous as well, so you need multiples things you can turn to. For example, if you need something, you need something only they can give you, you need to give them attention. ( dr ramani has a great video on this). Etc, etc. So if anything, disengaging all the time is just not realistic IF you have to live with them. 4) DON't watch self-development videos Self-development won't help you. It didn't help me either. Why? A) Because it promotes only one way of doing things. B) Because it keeps you addicted C) Because it is totally superficial THOUGH I learned pretty important things for the first time in these videos, like boundaries and cutting off friends who are not your friends, it kept me in a loop of feeling frustrated and watchig another video because it's oh-so-useful. But what was it actually doing to me? It was keeping me away from seeing my real problems. It kept me having unreasonable expectations of both me and the world around me, which obvsiouly wasn't meeting the rules of the fake world of self development influencers. So I cut it off once for ever, and I started watching mental health videos instead, which sometimes end up making you feel like you're not making any progress, but at least professionals keep it real (most of the time). That's for the tips, the rest I think is personal to each, share what your own experiences are, and advice is welcome too. ( I know I talk like a youtuber, don't I?)

I don't have a "turn normal" button

Anxiety Support / by oliveSailboat9838

September 5th, 2025

...See more When you live in a traumatizing place, you need a fair amount of anxiety to survive. Except when I'm with friends, I just don't know how to be "normal" or myself. Yesterday was my first day of school, and I put all these expectations on myself to take care of my appearance and not be stressed, and be cool or whatever. Like everything would just flow easily. But then while I did everything to avoid them, mother and sister made all the noise possible and managed to stress me out without me even saying one word. I ended up frustrated, I couldn't braid my hair like I wanted to, I ended up feeling like my hair looked ugly. I woke up early on purpose, but I ended up feeling drained like I do too much. With me it's either "too much" and I don't really do any mistake or "nothing at all" and then I'm scrolling numbly doing nothing productive and not being able to even wake up. I can't find the in between, and I'm exhausted of this cycle. I keep telling myself "positive affirmations" and try to not be stressed, but the opposite happens. I really don't know what to do, and I keep being dissociated. Can anyone relate, or have tips? (or both).

My nerves can't do this anymore

Trauma Support / by oliveSailboat9838

September 2nd, 2025

...See more * if you're depressed, don't read this. * I'm going to explode. I can't do this anymore. Insomnia, sleepless nights, never ending criticism from narcisstic mother, switching houses all the time from her and narcissistic father, not being able to decide where I go and what I do, being trapped in this house full of tension, my boundaries being stepped on like it's nothing, the disgust I feel for my own "family", the anhedonia, the pain of not being able to do what I want to do cause I lack energy, wanting to scream and cry every damn second, being treated like a prisoner, the paranoia and the exaggeration, the drama, the hidden informations about mother's plans that she reveals last minute to make me burst from the shock, and now... She forced me to see a therapist, and I don't want to be confronted to having to pretend, and her lying, and the therapist enabling my parents and not seeing me seriously and I just don't want to go, and so I was seeing a psychologist I began to like going to, when she announces I'm gonna see ANOTHER person, a therapist this time, cause I apparently need psychiatry (when she said the opposite a year ago). She doesn't even have logic, she just wants to disturb me and I can't hold it anymore. Setting boundaries: makes me frustrated. Not doing so: makes me her doll. I want to scream and I want everyone to wake up. Why are adults so immature? I can't catch a break. Vacations ain't even over for me and It's already the second time I'm gonna see a professional. Make no mistake; it's not to help me. It's to satisfy her caprice because I'm not a perfect pantin for her to put her emotions on without resistance. When I suffer from so much stress and so many things, she and all the others can only see my reactions. Only see my anger. She sees me sleeping on the floor next to the kitchen but she doesn't see how bad the air in my room feels, and how trapped I feel in my own house. She wants to fix me. And I just want to LEAVE. And nobody cares about how I struggle here. They just see the surface. I don't even have the keys to my own house because I'm gonna "lose" them, and I don't even have a phone because I "never respond". What kind of h*ll this is? What does she wants? Is she never satisfied? She has total control over my life, and she made me as sick and insomniac as she is but she still isn't happy! Like honestly this place is torture, it's not even just toxic it's ... Beyond words. It's suffocating! I hate hate hate my life. I had such great potential. How is it possible that nobody put a term to that? Because it's nothing else than ABUSE. Why do people get it when they hear a child from another continent is abused but when they see their own relative getting shouted at, they are blind to it. Really bad things only happen to others. It's like bullying, it's seen as a distant thing, but in reality, we all participated in bullying at least once, as a victim, culprit or witness, and even worse, it's right next to us everywhere. It's not the same, they think. It wasn't always this way. But the better I got, the worse they are. Now, I'm suffering, and you know the irony? I'm suffering because I got better. Now what, self-development influencers? What do you have to say to this? I feel like an invisible truthteller or smthg. I want to punch hard all the people who said "they did their best". Preach.

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