Crazy Ramblings
Not sure if I'm grateful anymore. I've tried. I've given it my best shot and thrown everything into it. I'm tired. I've exhausted my tools, I've fought the good fight, when do we decide if it's not worth it anymore? When do we decide it's a fools hope and whatever would follow just wouldn't he worth the struggle? When do we stop feeling like a burden all the time? I've been navigating it, I've been doing the things, I've not complained, I've kept positive and seen it as just a temporary obstacle to overcome... Just something to fight and survive and things will get better. But honestly, I'm just done. When is enough enough? When do we throw the towl in?
I'm starting to hate the part of me that holds on. Literally all the evidence is stacked against you and you still choose this. You still stay. Stupid. Maybe all those impulses are there for a reason - maybe your brain knows it's had enough. Why fight it? You keep chalking it up to "just the illness talking" and "it's temporary lies" and "you'll think differently when you're on the other side of it" and "your brain needs time to adjust to being off meds" and "you've been through this before and you made it". Did I? I got on a bunch of prescription meds that made me an unfeeling zombie for 7 years. Sure, things looked fine on the surface - I checked the right boxes.. but I wasn't happy. I was muted. I smiled, I did the things, I made the friends, built the career.. but I was just going through the motions. I wasn't even really there - just a tiny little fraction of me in a muted detached state. Is that life? Being a passenger like that?
Lets say you get through this again. You do what needs to be done and you survive - great. Then what? All the *** bandaids bullet hole patches come undone and we do it again in 10 years? Honestly?
I justified surviving last time by telling myself one day I would make an impact and help others and my story and experience would help them not go through the same thing alone. I told myself it would all make me a stronger person and I would feel the good things in life all the more after experiencing such darkness.. i would really live and not just survive. I would be proud of the life I would build and all the suffering would mean something. The friendships I'd build would be more meaningful, the relationships stronger, the good days all the better, and I'd come out of it with wisdom and strength and hope enough to share. I think you have to tell yourself those things to get through it all... But it doesn't make it true or real. I thought maybe I was getting there, but then I got off meds and now I'm realizing how much of myself wasn't there. It's like I was watching a movie of myself and had a few buttons to make choices here and there and I still hurt when bad things happened but I would brush it off because the normally overactive alarms weren't going off.. and so bad things just kept happening and I just kept letting them and brushing them off.. and now that I'm awake, I feel the echos of everything that happened and I have all the subconscious reactions on repeat and it's just a lot. My brain is a lot. It's constantly going, constantly racing and yelling and it's just a mess. I can't get a moment of peace anymore. It's like continuously choosing torture in the most invasive way just for the chance that maybe everything won't fall apart while you're going through it and maybe you'll have time once it's over to make everything ok again and catch up. It feels like a losing gamble, even in the most optimistic way.
Anyway, I know this all sounds crazy and unhinged and I apologize to anyone reading this. I am normally not a negative person and I don't normally complain or sound ungrateful and blahblahblah... I'm normally tolerable. Just felt like being open and unfiltered and I'm tired of pestering people directly and feeling so guilty about it. So here ya go, enjoy the crazy. 🥂
@mapletreebubble
Thanks for sharing with us regularly.. Your struggle is so unfortunate. We are listening to your struggle and proud of you for trying so hard. I often wonder why some feel more pain than others.. I remember the days I was tormented by madness for 20 years.. I finally escaped the jaws of oblivion with help from great, caring people.. I discovered this website and now I repay society for saving me.. Please keep going, you are important to our community..🌲
@AsherTree
🌱❤️
@mapletreebubble
We'll keep supporting you here like always! You have to stay focused, one of the problems i sense is your critical thinking has took a hit and your having difficulties.
Keep us posted on your progress Mapletreebubble..🌲💚
Had another close call the other day 😫 I can't keep doing this
@AsherTree
sry for tmi 🤦♀️
@mapletreebubble
in desperate times what we do to survive shows ourselves and the world who we are.. I hope you will meet this challenge and seize the day 🌲
Hi Crazy R,
I get it. I really do, I wish I could give you words of wisdom with this but I can not, I do not know where to begin other than expressing whole heartedly that I understand. Hang in there.
@faithfulSouth5903
I'm sorry you understand
i UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I CARE. pLUS I BEEN WHERE YOU ARE NOW, lET'S HELP EACH OTHER BE THE BEST WE CAN FOR EACH OTHER. i REALLY DO UNDERSTAND
Hi Crazy R,
I get it. I really do, I wish I could give you words of wisdom with this but I can not, I do not know where to begin other than expressing whole heartedly that I understand. Hang in there.
@mapletreebubble
Thank you for trusting us with this and laying it all out. And please, don’t apologize for "being negative." It’s completely normal not to be positive all the time; expecting yourself to be right now is unrealistic, and forcing it is just toxic positivity.
Thanks @BlueSoul90
I appreciate your words
@mapletreebubble
Hold on. I can tell for sure but what is happening in your head might have a purpose. It still might be a different one then giving up. Maybe, the opposite. Maybe, a dramatic force telling you to stop giving up in some specific way.
Would you share a little about what hurts you most now?
I don't know. It's all such a mess. It's all the same intense volume and I can't distinguish what's what or what is from med withdrawal, what are the pieces from the 7 years before that I'm just now picking up on, or what was unresolved before I got on them and poorly patched to survive - it's just a lot and in layers and just so many intense emotions at full volume. nothing lets up - it's just constant debilitating chaos. Random flashbacks, can't sleep unless I sedate, crying breakdowns everyday, panic attacks a few times a week now, dissociating, impulsive invasive thoughts and actions, can barely eat, can't focus, and everytime I try to reach out to a friend or fight things, the internal dialogue is relentless so it's just a constant push, pull of trying to survive and get through this while everything else is flooding in. I don't know. The constants are feeling worthless, feeling like a burden, feeling overwhelmed by a chaotic panic, mixed with moments of detachment.
I know I made life decisions on the meds that I regret now and feel trapped in, I know I've had to reroute goals and plans and feel that loss, I know there are traumas and echos of them playing out, interpersonal damage, abandonment issues, trust issues, I know my nervous system is fried and my body and mind don't feel safe and I know at this point the symptoms are folding in on themselves and making things worse... I don't know. It's just a mess.
@mapletreebubble
The fact it’s overwhelming doesn’t make it crazy.
It’s ok. We can search for ways to move towards quieter space one step at a time. Is blaming yourself for getting into this chaos worth keeping!
would feel comfortable sharing what kind of meds you were on and what dose? And say a little about how did you stop?
I also have a gap in my life when I was numbed with meds. I think at that time the just surviving might have been best what was available considering of what I was able to stand up for.
The “!” was meant to be a “?”
I was on a high dose of Lexapro, Clonodine, and one other I cant remember the name of twice a day and supplemented with Clonazepam - before that I had tried maybe 10 other medications. I meant to work with a therapist as I got off of them just to make sure things went smoothly. I figured I wouldn't even notice the adjustment, but wanted to work with someone anyway because I knew I had burried a lot and patched poorly and there was work to be done. I started the process but it was difficult trying to find someone and navigate insurance and it had taken me 4 years to trust my last therapist enough to open up after meeting with him sometimes several times a week ... Only for it to end abruptly when I had an attempt and he had to respond and I was angry with him and haven't done therapy since. I never wanted to be on meds in the first place but did it out of necessity and never planned to be on them long.. I lost my best friend of 14 years a year ago and In the end I wasn't there for her in the way she needed me because I was so detatched and not myself and I decided to get off of them. I tried to taper off properly but rushed it a bit - the doctor tried to convince me to stay on them but I was sure It wouldn't be an issue and was just ready to feel like myself again. At first I didn't notice a difference and thought it was fine and could feel parts of my brain coming back online and started really pushing some changes and improvements and was trying to take my career to the next level and start living again, and then I guess right around the withdrawal marker things took a big shift very suddenly and I didn't expect it. It started out with just random uncontrollable breakdowns every day, sometimes a few times a day.. and I did my best to just chalk it up to adjustment and function normally. Then in July it became very debilitating and I took big steps back from work commitments and tried to clear my plate and just give me space to reset.. but it's just gotten worse and worse. I don't know if it's because of the brain adjusting to not being on meds after so long or if things are just coming back from before meds or if It's from things that happened while i was on meds or what... I've heard it can take months to stabilize after getting off meds but this just feels very intense. I know I don't want to go back on meds though. The doctor did give me extra Clonazepam for "as needed" and I've been abusing that just to survive the last two weeks so I'm sure that's going to be another layer in a few days but idk if we'll even get there. I'm just tired.
Sorry for oversharing 🤦🏻♀️
@mapletreebubble
It’s all helpful information. It’s very private information even when anonymous so thank you for trusting us with it.
I took a look. It looks like abrupt changes in dosage are common to cause mental breakdowns. Sounds like you know about it. Knowing might be helpful but it probably isn’t enough long term. Would you consider to coming back to a smallest possible dose for a while?
I personally kept tiny dose of SERTRALINE (6.5mg per day, while smallest pill I get is 25mg and I cut it in 4). I think that doctors don’t even believe it works and is just a placebo effect. But I used to see a right difference. I could feel but I was numbed just enough to be able to cope without getting overwhelmed.
Either way, how is your sleep? I would try to get to a point where you can sleep. Sleep is important for mental recovery. Without it you can’t count on your mind thinking clearly. Maybe you could seek medical advice in this direction? Or if you don’t take any meds on specific day maybe you can use a generic sleep aid before sleep? Preferably low doze to avoid dizziness and being aware of side effects, especially against combining with any of the meds you stopped.
With all of this not profesional perspective. Do you know what scares you the most today? Something about you, something about your circumstances, something you remember from the past?
@mapletreebubnle
What is behind your burden?
👀
I am on medication. I could drink booze be dysfunctional mentally ok like lots who don’t get help or I can get help.
From the sound of things you felt medication numbed to much I understand that I wanted anti psychotic that let emotions flow more.
I was on ADHD medication which was stopped due to high blood pressure and I started physically freezing now i am on half the maximum dose of a worse medication.
I am heavily sedated but have started morning my dad’s loss. Something in me says it’s safe to do so so heavily sedated.
Please ask if it might be useful for you to have help.
Climbing a mountain you start with optimism the summit a few hills see the mountain towering above you and think like giving up. At this point it is wise what equipment and at what pace you need to continue.
Going up a mountain my sister stopped half way up as a smoker and waited for us to summit and come down.
You have value what you have learned is of value here.
