Dad said I’m a Loser

I really do my best to make the important people in my life proud of me, but lately Ive been missing my mark and I don’t know how to get myself going in the right direction. Last Night I had to ask my dad for help, because the only way we could afford a car was if I had my dad send me a check for one thousand dollars. It couldn’t wait, because the transmission in fiancé’s car was going bad and would not last much longer. He yelled at me for not having a job, laughed when I told him I was going to school. Asked me why I’m not working in a field I stopped working in fifteen years ago and alluded that I was a loser. He yelled “Get a job!” into the phone four times and said he “might” help me but he purposefully didn’t give a definite answer. My fiancé blames me for the transmission being damaged because I was driving on the highway and had a brick go under the car after it flew out of a work vehicle in front of me on the highway. Then, just the other day, I was driving her home from work because I’m the one who always ends up driving her car, and the transmission stopped working; luckily we were able to limp the car home and not have to buy a toe truck. I have a good driving record, but she relentlessly criticizes my driving skills because it’s always just been her vehicle.

I’m exhausted from talking to people about being out of work, and how badly I need a job; I’m desperate for anything. It’s the same conversation and the same arguments every time. Am I looking for work? Yes, I send out thirty to forty resumes or applications a day with the exception of days where it’s not possible. I treat looking for work and school like they’re my jobs now. Am I applying everywhere? Of course I am! I’m an apprentice electrician with construction electrical experience, and I can’t get Walmart to call me for a job. Why did I move out to this small town where I knew I would have a hard time finding work? Well, what would you do if your wife had to move across the country for her kids whether or not you came with her?

A few years ago, I made the decision to donate my personal vehicle to charity, because I could save money by just riding my bike to work. My fiancé, and I talked about it, and both agreed about my plan, so I went through with my decision, leaving her vehicle as her daily driver and I would ride my bike to work, then for anything I needed a vehicle for, I could use the car. Since then we’ve moved across the country so we could be closer to her kids, and the town is so small that if you’re going to have a job, you need a car. Everything is an hour and thirty minutes away by car. I’ve been able to find work as an apprentice electrician, but in the past six months, all of the construction work in the area has gone full stop. Material is expensive, labor is expensive, so contractors are being very picky right now. I need my own transportation, but I have no way of getting anything at the moment.

I’m feeling really abandoned by my dad because I’m unemployed and asked for help, because it was the only way my fiancé and I can have a car and work. He could have just said no, or not picked up the phone at all, instead he had to yell at and belittle me. I feel so bad about moving to this stupid little town, three months after I gave up everything I had and left my home state so my fiancé could be closer to her kids, the other parent moved out of state without any notice. So now we’re just stuck here in a little stupid town with one car and no job prospects and I’m just having a hard time seeing my way out. No matter what I do, or which way I turn someone is going to have an opinion about it and about me. When everything around me is going wrong, I’m trying to train my mind to focus instead on everything that is going right.

I handled the conversations with my dad and fiancé during the past few days really well; I maintained my composure and dignity. I was able to maintain my emotional autonomy and not let there words, feelings or opinions shut me down for long. I didn’t give any attention to my father’s determination to not understand my position, and I stuck to my original point and didn’t let him bait me into one of his hyper-conservative Fox-news fueled arguments of how I’m lazy and just don’t want to work, and all these other horrible baseless accusations that have no grounding in reality. I’m doing my absolute best to get back on my feet, and I’m not going to let anyone break me down while I’m actively working on my goals. I’m the one who determines what I’m worth and what I’m capable of. Not my dad, or anyone else. I have value whether or not I have a job, and just because I don’t have a job doesn’t mean that I can’t be of use anywhere or be productive in other aspects of my life.

I’m just so exhausted by constantly switching the course of my career, education and life based on the perception of people who don’t know the first thing about me or my life. Just because I don’t have a job doesn’t mean I’m not unworthy of kindness. I try so hard to help people and improve things for others, but I shut down because it’s never reciprocated. It’s like, I put so much of myself out into the world, but it’s just the bare minimum to everyone else, so from the perspective of everyone else, giving me the bare minimum is more than enough. I’m really trying to remember that only hurt people hurt other people, so my dad’s anger towards me is really just a reflection of his anger towards himself, but doesn’t he deserve that for being drunk for thirty years of my life and abandoning me for some other woman’s family?