Depression Setting In…

Ok, I’ve had a trying week last week, & this week is starting off not looking so good either. I’ve been at the same job for almost 5 years. About 2 months ago, we were told that our position (my department was about 6 people) was being eliminated, & we were being combined with another department. We were told it was happening in 2weeks time…didn't happen that fast. We were told we would have training…didn’t happen. Last week, a coworker went up to h/r to complain about certain things. This coworker came back & told another co worker (with me right there to hear it) that the h/r person told her that they were originally going to fire our whole department, but instead decided to move us in with this other department. Then, later last week, I get written up because I’ve been ‘uncooperative’ about helping…& that now, I have to take it upon myself to get myself trained. As if that wasn’t enough, today, I sent out a morning message, like I normally do, to a small group of people, due to a glitch in the texting app, it went out to everybody, causing a storm of calls, texts, to us, to another department, all the way up to or general manager.

On such short coattails of last week, I’m falling deeper & deeper into the rabbit hole of depression, self loathing, self hating, al of it. I know that this last thing was my fault, or that h/r should not have said that about our team to another co-worker of ours, or for that other co-worker to them tell us that, but I still heard that, the last thing happened under my watch-under my credentials. I feel I keep getting knocked down. Like bad things keep happening to me, & asking myself why? What did I ever do to deserve such bad karma? I don’t ever want to make anything harder on people, I genuinely want to help, I know I’m not perfect & can never be perfect, but I always feel like I’m the laughing stock, I’m ALWAYS the one to mess up, if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen to me-& not in a good way. I never feel like I’m good enough, worthy enough. I wonder why I have friends, why they stick with me, why they’ve stayed all this time. And it’s at times like this, when I had a small mid-step, that things get so much worse, because then I tailspin into all the bad things that have ever happened to me, or that I’ve done. And it’s that snow-ball effect-it just keeps growing & growing. I wonder how some people who do less then me are still employed here? And never get in trouble? And, instead of talking to me, they just write me up instead. And, in this downward spiral of thinking, I’m looking to the future, & thinking I’m going to get fired for this. I most likely won’t, but I’m in that spiral, & I’ve convinced myself this is what’s going to happen…I’ll be very surprised if nothing comes of this….as always, wish me luck!