DarkFairy0316 Member Profile

Why?!

Depression Support / by DarkFairy0316

June 3rd

Depression Setting In…

Depression Support / by DarkFairy0316

December 8th, 2025

...See more Ok, I’ve had a trying week last week, & this week is starting off not looking so good either. I’ve been at the same job for almost 5 years. About 2 months ago, we were told that our position (my department was about 6 people) was being eliminated, & we were being combined with another department. We were told it was happening in 2weeks time…didn't happen that fast. We were told we would have training…didn’t happen. Last week, a coworker went up to h/r to complain about certain things. This coworker came back & told another co worker (with me right there to hear it) that the h/r person told her that they were originally going to fire our whole department, but instead decided to move us in with this other department. Then, later last week, I get written up because I’ve been ‘uncooperative’ about helping…& that now, I have to take it upon myself to get myself trained. As if that wasn’t enough, today, I sent out a morning message, like I normally do, to a small group of people, due to a glitch in the texting app, it went out to everybody, causing a storm of calls, texts, to us, to another department, all the way up to or general manager. On such short coattails of last week, I’m falling deeper & deeper into the rabbit hole of depression, self loathing, self hating, al of it. I know that this last thing was my fault, or that h/r should not have said that about our team to another co-worker of ours, or for that other co-worker to them tell us that, but I still heard that, the last thing happened under my watch-under my credentials. I feel I keep getting knocked down. Like bad things keep happening to me, & asking myself why? What did I ever do to deserve such bad karma? I don’t ever want to make anything harder on people, I genuinely want to help, I know I’m not perfect & can never be perfect, but I always feel like I’m the laughing stock, I’m ALWAYS the one to mess up, if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen to me-& not in a good way. I never feel like I’m good enough, worthy enough. I wonder why I have friends, why they stick with me, why they’ve stayed all this time. And it’s at times like this, when I had a small mid-step, that things get so much worse, because then I tailspin into all the bad things that have ever happened to me, or that I’ve done. And it’s that snow-ball effect-it just keeps growing & growing. I wonder how some people who do less then me are still employed here? And never get in trouble? And, instead of talking to me, they just write me up instead. And, in this downward spiral of thinking, I’m looking to the future, & thinking I’m going to get fired for this. I most likely won’t, but I’m in that spiral, & I’ve convinced myself this is what’s going to happen…I’ll be very surprised if nothing comes of this….as always, wish me luck!

Letting Go

Depression Support / by DarkFairy0316

May 23rd, 2025

...See more I don't know where to begin. I had a group of 4 friends, myself included. Slowly, it got to be that me & 1 of the friends became close, while the other 2 were close. It became very apparent that the other 2 were very clicky-Me & the other friend felt very much like outcasts. There would be long periods where those 2 would not talk to me & my other friend, then when they 'needed' something, they would start talking to me again. It was usually if they needed a ride. (to help, I am re-naming these 2 friends to Joy & Scarlett) Both of them were/are catty. Joy is more the leader, while Scarlett is definitely a follower who tries to act like Joy, but just really is acting *** & tries to be bossy & in control. Joy always seems to gossip (&not in a good way) about everyone else in the group-like when she's with me, she will bad talk Scarlett & our other friend...saying how she never hears from our other friend, & how Scarlett is always complaining about the same things, or that she did this or that. Then, when she is with Scarlett, I am sure she says bad things about me & our other friend, & when she is with our other friend (which isn't very often anymore), she bad talks Scarlett & me. They continuously have kept me & our other friend down-when I am deemed worthy enough to be invited along with them, they have they're own conversations & when asked about it, 'oh, <they'll> tell me later' or 'it's nothing'. Our other friend & myself constantly feel left out, like we're a 3rd wheel or hired help (who don't get paid) & are expected to be in the background, not say anything. Right before COVID, Joy had a barrage of things happening in her life all at the same time. So, again, she ghosted me for months. (She has a habit of doing this to only me-when a lot comes up in her life, not related to or caused by me, she will shut me out of her life, no warning, just start ignoring me, & historically, I would basically have to crawl & beg her to let me back in, & she would always say its not me, but I was the only one being 'punished' for it) We worked at the same business, in different departments, but, she would not acknowledge me at all (not even just a hello), if I had a work related question-she wouldn't answer her extension (would make the person who was working with her answer it. Even if it wasn't me-she wouldn't answer, because it was coming from the area I worked in, which made our grumpy manager angry, & only made herself look bad). After many months of turmoil, & devastation on my end (I just don't get how a 'best friend' could treat a supposed best friend like that under any circumstance, especially if that friend didn't do anything wrong, did contribute in any way to what she was going through), I finally started to come through on the other end of this on my end (meaning I was working through it, through the stages of grief, hurt, being mad, all the feelings, & was starting to heal & move on, & face my life without this 'best friend'). Only THEN, she started talking to me again, it was small at first, & believe you me, I was shocked & was reluctant to even talk to her at all. So, I was polite, but defensive. I would ONLY talk to her IF she spoke to me first, & I would ONLY say the bare minimum. If she said hi, I would say hi back, if she asked how I was doing, I was always fine, nothing more, no elaborating, just fine, if she asked about anyone else, they were fine. Then COVID hit, & I took a leave of absence due to me being 'high risk'. She texted me 1 whole time, at the beginning to ask if I was ok. I said I was fine, but just couldn't work because I did not want to chance getting sick. Never heard another word back from her. Almost a year & a half go by, she friend requests me on ***, then messages me on *** messenger asking how I am doing. I was very reluctant to let her back in my life, but I figured I could let her back in, but only so far. I was in a place that I felt strong, I had my eyes open-I was (& still am) prepared to let her go at any moment, I would talk to her if she talked to me, I was & am not going out of my way for her like I did before. So, move on to now, with Scarlett, who I have known for almost 40 years. With this whole president thing, Scarlett stopped talking to me, I texted her, *** messaged her asking what was wrong, nothing. After a couple messages, she messaged me back a picture that said 'you voted for this' I asked her, voted for what exactly? Long story short, 'Somebody' (her word, not mine, but I know exactly who it was) told her I voted for the current president. She did not come to me & ask me directly who I voted for. When I told her this, that she didn't come to me like an adult, & talk to ME about it, we had a partial conversation about it & I thought things were getting better, but I was wrong, now she has blocked me from Faceboook/*** messenger, she won't answer my text message-I assume she has blocked me there as well. She is still friends on *** with Joy & our other friend & is talking to both of them. While I can not confirm it, I know that Joy told her that I did-without knowing if I did or not. That is another side to Joy-she has to be the center of attention, & if there is not drama, then she will cause it herself. Because everything was going fine in all our lives, she had to create drama...& between 2 friends! I feel like Joy can't stand for people to be happy (most likely because she isn't happy with herself/her life) so she has to make everyone else miserable. Now, I have lost yet another friend due to this person. I am, again, grieving & having to work though the loss of another friend (who is still alive) because Joy can't stand people being happy, has to start drama/fights, & then, Scarlet, instead of acting like an adult, & going directly to the source just decided that I must be the worst type of person & has decided to unfriend me. So, once again, I am the odd one out, & I did not do anything wrong. I am being 'punished' for no reason, not even given the chance to say that I did not do anything. Well, I hope this process will go easier this time-it still hurts like a b*tch (sorry for saying a bad word) but I will make it through again.

Here We Are Again…

Depression Support / by DarkFairy0316

April 3rd, 2024

...See more I’m in another downward spiral. I’m trying to combat it, but it’s hard. It’s dealing with something that happened in my past. This friend & myself have been friends for a long time. We’ve gone through ‘cycles’-she goes through a ‘hard time’, shuts only me out of her life for a couple of weeks, then comes back like nothing ever happened. She swears it’s nothing that I did or anything said or anything with me at all-that it’s all her…BUT it keeps happening, AND it’s ONLY me that she shuts out. We went through a 2 year (give or take) hiatus if you will…granted, she was going through a lot, but I heard this all from other people, as she completely shut me out, wouldn’t talk to me at all…& we worked together. I hadn’t seen her for a few days before so I know it was nothing I said or did, but she just stopped talking to me & acted like I wasn’t there…I was sure I had lost what I considered a best friend, & she acted like she didn’t care, like I meant nothing to her. At one point, right before COVID hit, she had started saying hi to me, which shocked me. At that point, I wasn’t ready or willing to let her back in to my life, so I was very short with her…then COVID hit, & I (eventually) left my job. Back on hiatus… Long story short, we eventually started talking again, & we had a sit down come to Jesus moment. I was brutally honest with her-bringing up her ‘episodes’ of shutting me out & how it made me feel. Including one, years ago on her birthdays. She wanted to get all 4 of us besties together for dinner for her birthday. On her actual birthday, I asked her when & where we were going…radio silence…the 3 of THEM all went out. The next day, one of them asked what happened with me? I told her that our friend never got back to me so I had no idea when or where we were going…she said her & the other friend missed me being there, but that the birthday girl didn’t care that I wasn’t there-going so far to roll her eyes & saying something about me always bothering her & how annoying I was..she claims to not remember that, but saying it must have happened if I’ve kept it quiet all these years & being so hurt by it… Well, today is her actual birthday. My boyfriend, who’s good friends with her, asked me, last night, if I would go to her or they dinner tonight…which brought up lots of feelings this time. I don’t know why. 1-why couldn’t/didn’t SHE ask me? 2–am I REALLY invited? I said I had plans tonight already, which wasn’t a lie. In talking with her today. I mentioned the dinner, saying no one said anything until last night. She then said that if I was around this weekend, her & her boyfriend, & my boyfriend & I could all go out to dinner…I’m trying so hard to 1-NOT go there, not bring up the past, & 2-not go down that hole again, that we worked it out. But I can’t seem to stop myself! I feel like a train going off the rails-it’s already begun! Why should I say yes? She’s only going to ghost me again, & who knows for long this time? We’re fully grown adults, not teenagers in high school anymore! I don’t need or want any of this drama! I just keep thinking it’s going to happen again…or that her & my boyfriend are going out alone to dinner tonight…& there’s a whole other rabbit hole for that! I hate having depression & anxiety. I know my thoughts are sometimes irrational-& they’re repeating themselves sometimes. I hate bothering anyone else with them because I’ve already talked about them more then once. I know my boyfriend thinks I’m a little cuckoo because it’s in the past, we’ve worked it out, so it should be left there & never talked about again…but that’s the thing with this friend…it was a cycle for her…over & over again…done TO me, over & over again..I keep waiting for the other foot to fall…that he will suddenly realizes he loves her more & she loves him & I end up alone again…& I keep getting ignored over & over again… Anyway…if you’re still here, & made it this far, thanks for reading…

Deja Vu?

General Support / by DarkFairy0316

July 18th, 2023

Just trying to let this go…

General Support / by DarkFairy0316

July 3rd, 2023

...See more I seem to have the uncanny knack to say & do things the wrong way…the things you shouldn’t say/do, I do. I’m tired of it but I can’t seem to stop myself, or I realize what I’ve done after the fact. Recently, I invited my boyfriend over for a family dinner, & he doesn’t like the type of meat we’re having, so I offered to make a different thing for him specifically, & my dad got mad about it. It didn’t help that he had a few drinks. Long story short, my boyfriend & I made other plans. Now my dad, in a different mood, is asking how he wanted to do the chicken, & I told him that we made other plans because he had gotten upset about it. Now he’s upset again because we made other plans…& now I feel like I can’t win either way, because he got mad on both ends of this, &I feel like I hurt my boyfriend because I was honest with him about it (which he knows some stuff about my dad already), & I feel like I can’t ever have my boyfriend over again because of this. I actually have a good guy, & I’ve managed to *** it up on all fronts. Now, I’m down in the dumps, feeling hopeless, depressed, stressed, & all this bad feelings because this happened…one misstep has me completely jumping down the rabbit hole & going down that road. Today is my nephews birthday, we’re having dinner at my sisters house, & now, I’m scared to go! My nephews are my world. I don’t want to go because I’m scared…I’m scared my dad will say something, or will tell everyone else & say that I’m nothing but a ***-up & everyone will look at me differently, & make fun of me…so why go? Why put myself through this? What they say & do is nowhere near what is going on in my mind…I know I’m still here for a certain few people, but it’s at times like this, I feel like they all would be better off without me…

Stuck between a rock & a hard spot…

General Support / by DarkFairy0316

April 23rd, 2023

...See more Life is sometimes easy…other times, not so much…I’m feeling like I’m being taken under right now, & I’m trying so hard to fight it, but I feel like ‘it’ is stronger then me right now. I have to work to make money, I really like my job, & while I know what to do, o feel like I am constantly learning as well & I am ok with that & love that about my job. It does have its issues…I just had someone who wanted to speak with a manager, refused to leave a message, was adamant to speak with one right now…so I got a manager, & my manager, while not yelling at me per say, told me that I couldn’t be bothering him while he was busy…I’ve been at this job 2 years & 1 day…with this same manager-he interviewed me, hired me…he knows me enough to know that if I’m ‘bothering’ him, it’s because there is a irate, rude, pushy customer on the other end, who won’t take no for an answer…which was the case…so I asked him if he still wanted me to take a message for this person who didn’t want to leave one…I am at a loss here, on the verge of crying. I KNOW he’s busy, it’s a busy day, under ANY other circumstances, I’d be taking messages, BUT this person was insistent! So I was basically getting it from the customer, AND getting it from my boss…what am i supposed to do? I’m at a loss…I know my job, he knows I know my job, that I’m competant…& should know that if I’m ‘bothering’ him, it’s because I’ve got either an emergency, or someone who’s being pushy. And this was after he changed a co-worker & my schedules, & didn’t tell me about it…so no one was there first thing, & the other manager didn’t know either…she called him then called me to ask if I could come in early, which I did, in a panic because I hate being late. Now, I’m wondering if they’re gunning to fire me…this is reminiscent of an old job…it’s worrying me…I know that no job is perfect, but when co-workers start messing with another co-worker, that isn’t cool…I don’t need any help in feeling alienated, made fun of…my mind does that pretty damn well on its own with any outside help…

Feeling Like a Burde n...

Depression Support / by DarkFairy0316

May 4th, 2021

...See more I don't know where to start. I got my first vaccine shot almost a week ago, & so I started looking for a job, knowing I'd need to eventually. I applied at a place a close relative used to work at & had issues with. I wasn't expecting anything from it, nor was I in a hurry because I get my 2nd shot at the end of the month, & figured I'd be available about 2 weeks after that, so I wasn't in a rush. But, they were super excited & seem ready to hire me almost right on the spot. I didn't mention anything to this family member until today-which is when I had an interview. And this person, while not yelling at me or anything like that, made it known that they didn't like it there & were somewhat mistreated. I know they are watching out for me, & only want whats in my best interests at heart, I felt like they were upset with me, & like I let them down, & they were disappointed in me. I feel like I am making more troubles for this person, more work for this person by doing this, & I'm not trying to do any of that. I know this person isn't feeling like I'm betraying them, or anything like that, it's more along the lines of they truly care for me, & are worried that the people at this job will take advantage of & mistreat me like they did to this person, & they don't want that to happen to me. I know this, yet I still feel like I am causing more drama for this person, & piling more things onto this person's already full plate...& that is making me feel worse & more depressed, & wondering why anyone cares about me, because all I seem to do is cause more trouble & drama around me...I just had to vent, & I don't feel like I can to anyone, as I feel like I'm a burden pretty much all of the time & to everyone I know...I feel like I am a bother to everyone, all of the time, so if feels good to just vent here, even though I don't expect an answer, or anything else, it just feels good to get it off my chest.

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