Depression makes me feel like a clown
Thought I was doing pretty ok for a few days- I was like 'I guess I have no problems' and then today I just fell back into not being able to feel pleasure in anything and I gave in to bad habits at the drop of a hat. Like I watch myself get my hopes up just to self-destruct over and over again- it feels absurd.
I went to work, was productive, read at a cafe, talked to a friend, drew- it didn't matter. I was just going through the motions despite doing everything right. This led to me drinking later even when my psychiatrist has been ordering me to stop and binging anime that I don't care about and my computer died and I was left with the black screen and I didn't recognize myself in the reflection. This stranger looked like a tortured old woman, disgusting and sad and indulgent. I stared for a while, feeling both damned and numbed, before passing out from drinking. I woke up furious with myself and got ready for bed because I have work tomorrow and I was bombarded by self-harm urges. I felt disgusting. Climbed in bed with phone and procrastinated sleeping- but looking at memes obviously didn't make me feel any better. Tried to sleep. Currently can't sleep. Got anxious about my sleeping pills so I wasted time researching pill identifiers. Now I'm typing this all out and it's getting closer to 1am and I'm *** my work day up even more with every passing minute I'm awake, but I feel like a hamster caught on a wheel no matter what I do.
Anyone else feel like a clown because of their depression? Like you feel like a puppet, like there's no logic, like you're caught in a cycle and left banging your head against the same wall?
Hi determinedSea! I'm on the same wheel... Sometimes I feel like things are finally rolling and get excited and then progress starts slowing down again and that's when I find myself having low mood, low energy days.
For me personally I've noticed it's coupled with my progress towards goals. So nowadays I try not to hype myself up too much and try to remove expectations. Which sounds kinda sad but is liberating.
I hope you find your way. =]
@quietSea6437 Thank you. It's good to know I'm not the only one. I will try to lower my expectations, but it feels like my expectations are already on the floor lol
I understand you completely. It's just the taste of any progress to our goals is very sweet to us but we must not let it take over our moods. I'm still learning all the time. :)
@determinedSea4370 I am sorry to hear that. I know that depression can be really difficult. You have to know that you are not alone with that. Asking for help is a good way to feel better. You deserve to be listened to without judgment. If you want to talk to me, you can leave me a message.
@patientShell1003 Thank you.