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determinedSea4370
1 3,593 M Seeking Light 2
Marinating in my brain at the moment
PathStep 50 Compassion hearts936 Forum posts567 Forum upvotes893 Current upvotes893 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2026 Member sinceDecember 7, 2024
Bio

My ideal future: I wake up early feeling well-rested and I put my creative writing first before any professional work for the day. I feel adequate as a teacher and I know how to leave work at work at the end of the day. To unwind at the end of the day, I exercise. I respect my body. I'm living with people who understand me and I'm doing alright living outside my family's house. I can sleep at night. In my free-time, I prioritize engaging with physical media and creating things that matter to me. I'm consistent with reaching out to my family and friends. I'm a person who lives in the sunlight. I can find small joy in everyday sensual things. If I have an idea for an adventure, I go make it happen. I have hope for the future. 


Recent forum posts
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Sweet Sour
Poetry / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 June 7th
...See more I mourned a candy apple from the festival you've forgotten sweet lights gone sour in my saccharine heart fluff-filled with nostalgia- gives me a toothache and I'm sore with misplaced love.
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Away From Me
Poetry / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 June 20th
...See more No one warned me that our tapestry was a living thing. A chest heave of time sent us unraveling  in slow motion- insidious creeping but somehow  still sweet like a child growing- You've continental shifted away from me.
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Should I listen to my therapist or my parents?
Depression Support / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 July 15th
...See more Since I started a new medication in the psychward during New Years I haven't been having as many mental breakdowns, but for about the past month, I've been having these intense crying spells every few days- just intense feelings of hopelessness/sadness/loneliness/anxiety. Nothing in my life has changed- I've been back at my teaching jobs for months. My parents are concerned and want me to get on a new medication, but my therapist thinks this isn't something to worry about/something medication will fix. She sees it as a natural reaction to my frustrations at not getting my life together like I want and still feeling directionless lonely and it's behavioral, not chemical. She thinks it is something I need to take action about and not something medication related/medication can fix. I don't know who to believe. When I keep myself busy on days like today, I feel normal, but I spent all afternoon and evening yesterday on and off moping around and bawling my eyes out. I guess I must be getting something out of crying for hours on end, because why else would this be happening?
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My Peace
Poetry / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 June 7th
...See more There's a well in my chest cavity where I pull out rotting teeth and spatter my world with ink. I take peace in this weeding violence unnumbed in the ripples of songs that disturb others I find solace in the unraveling- I hatch a new egg and give it my name.
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Strange Nature
Poetry / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 June 7th
...See more I take my love in measured teaspoons of someone else's prescription waiting for the birth of some Prince Charming but the concept dies in the womb- See through me to the bones of an antiromantic wishing against their nature to foster a rose garden.
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Constraint
Poetry / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 June 7th
...See more I set the parameters only as wide as my narrow ribcage and I hold in my teeth a limited heart- you've got your ticket to the show but just know that my smile falls with the curtain.
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I don't need meds, I have a reason to be sad
Depression Support / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 September 18th, 2025
...See more Things get buried on this sub because I guess there are a ton of miserable people (valid) so I know this might get buried too, but whatever. I'm embarrassed to be back on this site again, but I have no friends and I'm done with taking meds and I need to get this off my chest. I have reasons why I feel the way I feel- even if those feelings are inconvienent this big dystopian capitalist selfish 'haha! i'm GREAT!' society. Meds to numb me out and make me productive are actually keeping me stuck- turns out we have feelings for a reason. I've been horrificaly alone and unable to connect with others despite decades of effort and the people that I used to rely on to lift me up- they've changed so much, they're like all the other strangers I can't connect to. It's very hard to care about yourself when no one actually cares for you in the way that you need to be cared for. And asking for what I need is met with misunderstandings and minimal effort from others, so I'm left at the start again or worse. When no one wakes you up in the morning and no one waits for you at night, what do you call that- freedom or loneliness? I want my mother, father, god, whatever- but when I look around and up, all I see is emptiness. I don't need meds.  I don't need alcohol or knives or to buy new shiny things or travel. I don't need to change the way I look and I don't need small talk. I don't need to be told to breathe or smile or be grateful. I don't need Jesus or sex or drugs. I don't need endless entertainment. I just need a hug and a hand to hold. I need someone to share things with.  I need someone who won't invalidate my feelings/make fun of me/text 'i miss u' and then ghost me for weeks without apology over and over again for years/look at me like a failed science experiment/respond with 'go talk to your therapist' multiple times instead of bothering to try. I know I can be a lot- or maybe I'm actually not a lot. Maybe the things I want are actually simple and I'm being reasonable and the reason I feel insane isn't because of some chemical imbalance but rather decades of trauma and loneliness and *** 'friends' and *** circumstances. Maybe I need to feel the pain to know there is something wrong with my life so I can actually do something about it. Okay, rant over. Time to actually try to do my job today- for the sake of the kids (whose futures, I fear, are doomed- but hope is a violent thing. So, I'm going to drag myself through the day despite all this doomed absurdity because hope won't quit hurting me.)
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Waiting for sober happiness
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 September 16th, 2025
...See more I need advice or encouragement I guess. I have other people in my life who laugh so easily and it hurts me because I just can't seem to laugh while sober. Same thing with truly smiling- I just don't have it in me. I know I'm depressed and I know eventually if I keep staying sober it'll help regulate my dopamine and seratonin levels and I might just start enjoying things in life other than drinking, but I can only survive so many numb days in row until I cave and binge drink. And then I'll hate myself and try to get sober and the cycle repeats. How do you not cave to drinking after all the sober numbness and depression? How do you convince yourself in the moment to not drink, to wait it out in the hopes of some happier future you?? I was trying to at least get to 30 days sober, but even a week sober is a horrific struggle.
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