Digging at Rock Bottom

TWs: Suicidal ideation, hopelessness, drug abuse, hospitals

I'm an artist, but frankly I've been finding it more and more pointless to create anything. Whatever spark was in me is pretty much gone and I only keep making things because it's the only thing I'm good at.

I'm afraid to talk about how I really feel because I don't want to be forced into a psych ward. My first stay was a bad experience and I'm not keen on repeating it. As a person who deals with persistent and chronic suicidal ideation I feel silenced and alone. You so much as mention the word and you put yourself at risk of getting Baker Acted or whatever.

I don't take any substances whatsoever, which is a good thing because I know that if I started I would never stop. Still, I find myself yearning for something, anything, that would take the edge off of how hard everything sucks.

I'm really getting sick of how casually my doctors are about my situation. My meds don't work and I get brushed aside every time I try to schedule things with my parents and them about starting more obscure treatments like ketamine (Side note: I think that's just because people hear the word "ketamine" and get scared because of its reputation as a party drug, even though this treatment is FDA approved according to my knowledge). Therapy wastes my time. Nothing is getting better. In fact, things are deteriorating at an alarming rate! I have not been this bad in years.

I'm struggling to keep up in my classes. Why bother writing essays when I can curl up in bed and pass out for a few blessed hours (provided my sleep isn't haunted by nightmares, of course).

I went to a unitarian universalist church the other week and reading "your birth was a blessing" in one of their pamphlets almost made me snort. It feels more like a curse and a prison to me.

If you've reached this point, thanks for taking the time to read.