Disappearing into the Abyss

Not sure where to put this. I left my abusive adoptive family a long time ago. I recently found out they think I'm dead. One ofy biggest fears and something that's held me back is if they were to find me on social media even though I've changed my name. They are cruel to say the least. It's kept me from doing.... A lot of things I've wanted to do. But now I'm sad because .... How do I put this.

I never have ill wishes for people that have hurt me, not matter what they did or who they are. I guess it hurts because all I've ever wanted for them was that perhaps without me there, they are able to live happier lives. I've said this a lot to my bf.

I guess ... To learn that their version of a best wish is that I'm dead. Not oh hey I hope she's alive out there living her best life. Their thoughts basically make me feel even more unloved and worthless.

I never imagined going back to them, and now that's in stone for sure.

I guess it just hurts. And it's another peg experience in my life that proves I'll never have that kind of love from a family I desire so much.

Sure my bf cares, but there is a difference.

I wasn't good enough for my birth mom.

I wasn't good enough for my birth dad.

I wasn't good enough for anyone in my adopted family.

This just hurts so deeply. No matter who I meet IRL that claims to love me, it's just ... It's this one put that it doesn't seem like anyone else can fill.

Not my bf. Not myself. No friends I've ever had (which I don't have any now and I'm incredibly lonely).

And all I wanna do is disappear into the Abyss. Go out and just block it all out. But I'm not cause it always just comes back stronger and more painful. Soci just sit here. Sad. Crying. Hurting.

Nothing is going well in my life and I'm honestly so tired of even trying anymore.