Does any of this even make sense
Have you ever felt so distant from your own emotions that you notice you should feel something you're not
For years now I've been ignoring the way I felt, every bad experience every bad thought . Sure it wasn't a solution but it worked .. the less attention I gave certain emotions the less intense they felt. That and the constant routine I'm in.. it's like I've put my subconscious in stasis for .. the good part of 4 years
Now everything feels .. blurry. I don't get sad or happy, I don't get excited or afraid. I don't love or hate anything or anyone. Even faced by my own little brother death I felt nothing, wasn't even sure what I was feeling .. confused at best. That was a sort of "wake up call" for me
For the life of me I cannot find a reason but I just .. exist .. to live through the day and hopefully the day after . Everything else lost all meaning
Writing this I can't help but think .. is a life without meaning or purpose even worth existing? Can I justify my own existence by just "living to .. live another day."
would I rather feel depressed or feel nothing at all? Am I just confused?
@mont22ha
Hi! Let me start by saying, you are not alone. Sometimes when we grow up alone taking a lot of responsibilities on ourselves, we naturally need to start ignoring our feelings sometimes to protect ourselves and our loved ones. I don't know the background story why you had to ignore your feelings for so long, but I assume you didn't have a person caring for you growing up or someone you could trust or be vulnerable in front of. You just had to focus on your priorities and feelings might have seemed to be a hindrance in the path or insigficant to care for.
I really admire you for noticing this trait while a large proportion of people do not. Good news is, you can rewire your brain back to feeling again, the same way you stopped caring. I would suggest you to get therapy. If that's not affordable, you can search for similar traits and how to overcome them by consciously training your brain or habit changes.
I personally think it's better to not suppress your feelings. If you are not caring for your feelings, you might not be able to care for others and that might leave you alone. Deep down you love and care for your close ones, but don't know how to show it anymore. That is a huge burden on you that you don't feel yet, but you might all on a sudden. Then it'll be too much for you to bear alone. And it's healthy to care for yourself, more fulfilling, even though life might seem difficult with feeling everything. But hey, you will have people caring for you and you're also strong enough to deal with this. How do I know? Because you survived all this.
I want to remind you again, there is nothing wrong with you, everything you're worried about will go away if you work on it and there is a more fulfilling life waiting for you. All the best! I am rooting for you!
Oh again, everything you said makes perfect sense to me and will to a lot of other people, trust me. You have started your healing journey just by questioning the situation. Now take the second step, be proud of yourself, give yourself a pat on the shoulder, seriously, I mean it! Do you feel a bit happier my friend?
@courageousSquare1219
I don't know if I should feel happy about this
Feels like I lost that chance already, I prioritized a job that i don't even like over everyone I cared for and everything I ever enjoyed for years and now I have practically nothing
And the worst part is that I'm not even trying .. everything feels so familiar so usual so .. safe that even when I try to do something new I feel pulled towards my usual routine..
Everything just feels bland ... Soon after I stopped trying to "taste" anything. (Weird way to put it but I'm not changing it)
I'm well aware that no therapist or website can help if I don't even have the will to help myself . I'm somewhat working on that part .. as pointless as it all may be
I just need something worth caring for, something to make meaning of all the struggle.
@mont22ha
Hey, you are working on yourself and that's what matters the most. You don't have to force yourself to feel already, just be have compassion for yourself and treat yourself like you would if a friend was in your shoes.
You prioritized your job (at that moment) for some reason, right? It was very important to you, otherwise you wouldn't have done so. Maybe the outcome was not the one you have been looking for, but hey, we gotta try things to know if we want it or not, right?
And it's never too late my friend. Depression is an illness, it rewires your brain and forces you to realize that you can't do anything good, leaving you completely hopeless. It's not you, not that you can't start fresh, it's just the depression saying negative things to you.
It's very commendable that you are already working on yourself even though you don't feel like it. I can only imagine how hard that is. Now take a better look my friend, you are focusing on improving yourself, that's the biggest motivation you can have. Once you start healing, you will be able to reach out to your family again, connect to your past self again and most improtantly, live a fulfilling life. Focus on that, and trust my words, you will be happier.
I can say all these because I have suffered from depression and anxiety, had panic attacks and had to start working on my anxious attachment issues. My life has been a living *** for the past three years. The key to breaking the cycle was working on myself and making myself happy. Once I started feeling happier, I was able to see how that made my family more happy. You will have that experience too, just endure this tough time of healing for a little bit.
Don't lose hope. You have come so far...so proud of you!
@courageousSquare1219 I really wish it's nearly as easy as you make it sound
Practically speaking I only started feeling bad when I actually gave thought to my own feelings and started doing something about it
Every problem and every set back reminds me of how little control I have over my own life
I feel .. restless . I want to do something but for one reason or another something or someone is always in the way, and my efforts always prove to be just shy of what it takes
In the end I'm no different from the person I've always been.
Failure.
@mont22ha
I hear you and in no way is this easy. But let me tell you something my friend, you are not a failure.
You started to think about your feelings and started working on it, this is what matters the most! You want to change and this is the only way to starting healing. I know, Healing f***ing hurts. But hang in there my friend. Keep in mind, what you have developed over the years, will not disappear in a day. But surely it will change and the more you keep working on it, the faster it will heal.
Change for yourself, nobody else has to be the reason. Sometimes we misinterpret thing, we assume what others think of us instead asking them directly. Also, sometimes people just don't understand your point of view. If you draw a portrait of yourself on your assumed or people drawn image, then that's not the real you, right?
What I am trying to say is, please focus on only your goal and your intentions to heal yourself. Many negative thoughts will come to your mind, as you have been either hearing those or saying those to yourself over the years, but you have to stay strong and keep replacing it slowly.
Can you try treating yourself as you would a friend? What would you do if your friend was on your shoes? How would you like them to treat themselves? Say those kind words to yourself.
Whenever you feel restless or sad, try grounding teachniques first, then change the negative thoughts to positive ones. You can take help from an AI bot. I trained my chatGPT to help me with this, also, Noni in this platform can help you.
If you need a friend to talk to, message me. I may not be a professional or trained on this topic, but I can be there to listen to you.