Does anyone else ever feel like this?
I don’t have a better comparison, because I play games non-stop. It feels like in an online game: when I play medic, I do everything to save others. But when I fall, other medics just walk past my body, as if I weren’t even there. Even people I just helped ignore me. I just lie there, bleeding out, having darker and darker thoughts about myself, that I’m not worth saving, that nobody cares, that if I disappeared, no one would even notice.
Sometimes it also feels like I’m just a ladder that everyone climbs to get higher. But no one ever checks if the ladder is still strong. They just take another one when it breaks. And when someone around me falls into the pit, they find me there offering a helping hand to climb over me, but no one ever asks why I’m there in the first place. Instead of feeling glad for them, I just go back to lying there, waiting to see if the next person will notice me, or just climb over me like always.
For now I’m surrounded by people who don’t really know me, people I always try to help, but they don’t even know the real me. I’m scared that one day my state will get so bad that I’ll start thinking about giving up.
All I’m really fighting for is to find that one person I can fully trust, who won’t let me run away, someone who will look past my mask and see the real me. Every day it feels like I’m racing against my own mind, wondering what will come first.
My brain is my worst enemy, always overthinking everything. And when it gets too close for someone to see the real me, it just orders me to cut it off and run away. Because I’m scared that when it happens, it could be my end.
And now I’m sitting here, surrounded by people yet feeling completely alone, staring at this text and wondering if I should share it or not.
I am so glad that you decided to share your pain even when you weren't sure if it was a good idea.
I have felt many of the same emotions that you describe. You give your all and it is hard to see others doing the same for you.
But that doesn't mean that the world thinks you are not important or that you don't matter. You do but in ways that the darkness doesn't allow you to see right now.
I am willing to try to be that friend you are looking for, at least online. What I do is come on here every other day and I have for probably about 8-9 years now. I answer every thread that I have a message on.
So feel free to answer here and tell me more about yourself. I will definitely respond within 48 hours. I'd love to get to know you better and help you feel a bit better about yourself. @brightAvocado4879
@bestVase7265 To be honest, most of my days are just games. The only things that pull me away are sleep and work. And almost always in games I take some kind of support role, like healer or tank. It feels natural to me to help others, even if I don’t get much back. Maybe that’s why I play so much, because it helps me forget about my life a bit. And since I have so much time for games, I’m often ahead of my friends and then I can help them. In those moments I feel like I’m worth something. I just wish I had as much luck in life as I have in games. It’s strange how much my gaming life is similar to my real life.
So what kinds of games do you do? I know that they are probably pretty numbing right now which feels good when you are in emotional pain.
That isn't a horrible thing at all. But maybe you want to start finding ways to create a small window for some new kinds of things with people in real life. I am not talking drastic changes here, just small ways to find a similar peace with day to day living so you aren't feeling quite as lonely or abandoned.
We could come up with a plan together if you want maybe based around some of the game types that you already enjoy. @brightAvocado4879
Sometimes I feel like the only way to pull myself out of this is to do something like a New Game+. Same world, new people, but still me — just with a different build. Because I don’t feel like fighting for the attention of people who don’t really care about me.
So you like to construct worlds. That sounds great. What is the best part about constructing them (besides it allowing you to forget the real world)?
I know the real world feels really painful right now and that no one cares. But there are other people out there who do care because the world is made up of more people than just those you know. I care for instance.
None of what is going on for you is easy and fixing it won't be either. But you deserve to be in the driver's seat and create your world rather than letting it be dictated by people you don't think care. @brightAvocado4879
The problem is that I don’t feel like I can be in the driver’s seat. I need someone else to guide me. That’s one of the reasons why I once wanted to become a soldier, but I gave up on that dream like I’ve given up on almost all of my dreams. I’ve completely lost the motivation to change anything, because every time I try, I either quickly end up back where I started or I end up worse than before.
I know its hard to get into that driver's seat. Trust me. It is as scary as heck.
But for now you do have people to guide you. Think about little steps rather than big ones. You don't need to join the military tomorrow to start making mini changes. That's the only thing that you need to look to do at the beginning.
If you could make one mini change in your life right now, what would it be? I do mean mini - 15 minutes sitting outside or eating a health breakfast. Imagine a very small switch. @brightAvocado4879
How are things going? I have been thinking about you. @brightAvocado4879
@bestVase7265 I’m trying to find real friends, but it’s hard. I put so much energy into it, and every little mistake I make feels like the end of the world.
I can imagine that it does feel like the end of the world.
Sometimes it can be easier to practice making friends on here where the stakes aren't quite as high.
I am very willing to try to be that friend.
How has the gaming and other stuff been going? @brightAvocado4879
Gaming is my second world.
There I feel better than in the real one.
It is a place where I have control, where every effort matters and leads to visible results.
A world where I can be myself or someone entirely different, without judgment and without a mask.
There I find peace when reality becomes too heavy.
There are stories that cannot be lived anywhere else.
There I feel truly alive.
Unlike in life, I have always had incredible luck in games.
Combined with the time and energy I put into them, it makes me progress faster than most players in online worlds.
In games I do not just survive, I grow, I achieve, I win.
So let's see if we can find ways to bring that into your real life. Real life is also a bit of a game and you can find ways to make it work better for you.
Do you get outside at all? @brightAvocado4879
@bestVase7265 I used to go out more, but lately it’s only for work or shopping. Sometimes I meet with my family, but not very often.
I spent multiple years in the hole of depression and anxiety myself. I kept telling myself that nothing would work because I could not get out of the thoughts in my head. It felt like a giant battle that I couldn't win.
Then I began to realize that the key was not my thoughts, but my actions. It sounds stupid, but getting outside and walking every day (or really any kind of exercise if you don't want to walk) was life changing. Just a few weeks of doing it daily and forcing myself for that 20-30 minutes caused the fog to start to lift.
I can't make any promises for you, but it might be worth a shot. You are already headed in a better direction by being on here and sharing some of what you are going through. @brightAvocado4879
I feel like I know exactly what I need, but I just don’t know how to get it. I feel lonely and I have no idea how to change it. Every way that I know seems to take a kind of courage that I don’t have. It feels like I know exactly what I should do, but I just can’t break through the barrier. Sometimes it even feels like the place I’m in isn’t real, like I somehow chose this fate for myself, because it looks like I know exactly what to do but I choose not to.
It’s like I see it right in front of me on the table, within my reach, but my hands just won’t move. I know I could have what I need, but something is holding me back, and all I can do is sit there and keep looking at it, knowing I will never have it. But why? Am I scared? Maybe I just don’t want this? But who wouldn’t want to be happy? I should just reach out my hand and take it, but why do I refuse? Is it really my choice? It looks so simple, yet it’s something that my head can’t imagine doing. And I ask myself, do I want to be lonely? Do I really refuse to be happy? Who am I? And why am I like this…
I most definitely have been in that whirlwind of thoughts that felt unescapable because I couldn't see a path. I was trying so hard to find one. I can totally understand your pain.
As I said, my escape route was totally unexpected because it had so little to do with my thinking and so much to do with physical acts that I was taking.
Have you gotten outside yet? Are you getting good nutrition and trying to sleep?
Try a different path and think about the actions rather than the loneliness. @brightAvocado4879
It’s been two months since I stopped forcing conversations with my friends, and it turns out that none of them ever cared enough to reach out to me. Not a single message. Two months ago I started thinking seriously about trying to improve my state, and that’s when I already thought about writing something here.
Every day at work I plan what I will do when I get home, different activities and ideas, but once I arrive and catch my breath, it always ends the same way. I sit down at my computer and forget about the world, because at least there I feel appreciated and needed. There I feel like I matter.
As for sleep, I rarely get less than 6 hours, and sometimes even 10 if I have the time. But I can’t remember the last time I actually felt rested. No matter how long I sleep, I always wake up tired.
As for food, it’s a bit complicated. In the last few months my mental state has been getting worse, so I decided to start buying things I couldn’t afford before. Since then, I’ve been eating much less because I can’t really afford good food anymore. But at least I lost a lot of weight and I’m not the chubby one anymore, haha. But it’s not like I’m starving or anything.
Lately, though, I’ve regained a little hope. I found a new group of friends and tried being more honest with them, without my mask and without pretending. Not only was I accepted, but they even invited me to spend a weekend with them, so maybe I’ll finally get out of the house.
For food and sleep it sounds like you are trying your best. Depression does make you exhausted. But some people stop eating well at all or drinking fluids and that makes things worse.
Those new friendships sounds great. Do continue exploring friendship without wearing your mask. Friendships are never perfect because of all the mistakes people make, but they can really help you find a new balance. Take mini chances and see what happens.
I hope that you are able to get out this weekend. I would love to hear a report on how things go. I will be cheering you on. @brightAvocado4879
Hope that all is well. I have been thinking about you. @brightAvocado4879
Just letting you know that I hope all is well. @brightAvocado4879
Just putting all my effort into looking for real friends right now.
That sounds awesome. Real in person friends are wonderful. So too are friends online. @brightAvocado4879
I saw you in my thread and wondered how you were doing a few months later. @brightAvocado4879
Not well
I am so, so sorry to hear. Did you want to tell me more? No judgement. I have been going through a rough stretch myself. @brightAvocado4879
Thanks for asking. Lately I’ve realized I’m not doing as well as I thought. I’ve spent a long time pretending I’m fine and in control, and now it’s catching up with me. Emotionally I feel drained and disconnected. These days, work is honestly the only thing that gets me out of bed. Without it, I’d probably spend most of the day there. I’m trying to understand what’s really going on with me and learn how to be more honest about it.
Well, first off recognizing that you want to improve things and that you can is a great start to getting in a better spot. It does take time and effort, but you can do it.
Second, I am not sure that you were lying to yourself earlier. A better way to phrase it is that things felt a little better. Then your brain waves changed again and that "okay" feeling disappeared. It happens and it isn't all your fault.
I know in my case life just made things really hard for a really long time in the last year or so and it sent me spiraling. But that really isn't my fault either. I just have to believe that I can find some stability again eventually. It won't be the same stability exactly, but better still exists out there. @brightAvocado4879
It takes bravery to share with us such honest thoughts. It is so painful to know you’re someone who wants to help others and does help others, but others don’t put in the effort to help you when you need it. It sounds like you’re feeling like people take advantage of you, is that right?
Opening up to others and letting others to see the real you can be frightening. You’re never sure if someone will truly get you and won’t reject your true self. Sometimes, the deepest wounds come from when someone stabs you in the places you’re most uncertain of—the places that you feel most difficult to love. Even though it sounds like others are not there for you in the way you need it, I hope you know that many people also struggle with being open and that taking a risk like sharing this post is a healthy step forward. The people who truly value you will not run away when they see the real you. Please remember to treat yourself as kindly as you treat others and remember you’re worthy just as you are.
@TheLightofKintsugi I’ve become so good at pretending to be someone I’m not, someone who doesn’t care about anything and is always happy, that now it’s really hard for me to open up to anyone and show that I’m actually the complete opposite. Whenever someone notices even a little that something might be wrong with me, I always have an excuse, and maybe that’s why nobody even knows that I’m not okay. I’ve been doing this for about 14 years, but in the last few months the mask has started to feel unbearably heavy and I don’t know how much longer I can carry it. Part of me is terrified that my mask might fall, and at the same time another part of me wishes it would. I don’t know what to do.
It sounds like a heavy burden to carry a mask on everywhere. It makes sense that you are scared to reveal yourself to others after hiding for so long. I know you want to drop the mask because it’s so heavy, but also remember that you can always test the waters gently. Maybe something small like not being so happy all the time—even a moment of some sadness. Not only can it help you to feel more free, but maybe it can be a safe way to check if others will accept you deeper. I hope you will find people who will accept you underneath the mask and care for you as you are.
@TheLightofKintsugi I am trying that sometimes, but I instantly feel off and turn it into a joke. I’m scared that if someone really sees me as I am, they won’t accept it. I know what I should do, and your advice makes sense, I just can’t make myself do it yet. I don’t know if it’s because I’m scared, or just too used to pretending that everything is fine, but something keeps blocking me.
It takes time to feel comfortable after years of masking, so I would give yourself some grace. It’s like skydiving for first timers: it’s really hard the first time. I commend you for trying even when you feel the block. What’s something you are most scared of?
I don’t even know if it’s fear that’s blocking me, I just know that I always end up taking the easy way and pretending everything is fine
It’s hard, it truly is. Forging new ways of behaving and relating takes time and patience. Acknowledging that you’re not fine is already a huge step forward, though. I think you’ll get there one day.
I’ve been thinking about it, and I guess the real reason is that I don’t want anyone to call me a liar. But deep down I know that I deceive everyone every day by pretending to be someone I’m not.
Maybe if there's enough ladders we can support them and ourselves...
Maybe if there's enough ladders we can support them and ourselves...