Don’t read this, trigger warnings, for anything and everything.
this tiny dark, microscopic speck of the universe that has been, and continues to be, my homemade version of a safety bunker from everyone and everything has continued to grow thicker and thicker shielding from it all.
I attempt to read through my old writings here just to try and remember anything (I mean that quite literally) . One thing that struck me as the most baffling is that even though I struggle pretty much everything anymore, the lack of memories regarding depression, anxieties, and a multitude of other struggles, that loss of memory has not made any positive impact on any of the struggles that I am plagued with.
How can I still be so severely depressed, have so much anxiety about even looking out my window, continue to struggle with suicidal thoughts, how can that be possible when I barely remember the words I am writing now?
The things I have written here under so many different titles/threads, and in multiple places, have unknowingly been a written history of my decline.
All the wonderful people who have reached out to me over the years here that I unfortunately don’t remember, all the exchanges that we shared, that are hidden from my mind.
Having to reread my own writings to try and remember my own past just compounds my depression and misery.
The inability to function mentally and physically doesn’t help much either. Trying to remind myself how to accomplish simple tasks is beyond frustrating and aggravating. Being forced by circumstances to put complete trust in a stranger that claims to be a close relation. The utter despair and helplessness , worthlessness that these facts continue to bestow upon me is the greatest weight added to the crushing collective burden of suffering that I am subjected to.
Not remembering being depressed. Or why I am depressed does nothing to relieve the burden of suffering that I experience. In fact it adds to it.
The fears of everything is crushing, the biggest true desire I have is to get rid of everything I own and disappear from existence.
It’s proven everyday how invisible and worthless I am , just in the little neighborhood I live. The 75 foot, twenty minute round trip journey to the mailbox everyday is so depleting that I have to stop hobbling and try to focus enough to continue on, doing so several times while people drive by without even a turn of the head , just a look of complete contempt.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami sits beside you and hugs you tightly 💖 it's so sad for me to see your health deteriorating cheese past few years😥 at this stage I know you much better than you know yourself🙂 but through your darkness I've been blessed enough to be able to see signs of a little light shine through💖 to me you will always be unforgettable💖 you've made a huge impact on me and I'm sure others here to🙂 so through the dark always remember that you have made a difference in this world, so perhaps your persistence to keep going is very much worth it💖 I love you 💖
@Tinywhisper11
You became a major influence in my life, I unfortunately don’t remember the details but I attempted to count your responses in our interactions while trying to reread them. I ended up frustrated with myself because I could painstakingly count by making a mark on a piece of paper for every one…. I eventually made it to a couple hundred after numerous attempts and I gave up trying to count. The kindness and love you shared is something I am so thankful for.
You stayed with me through so much and for so long. I may not remember much but you’re bright warm light made it into the depths of my darkness and wrapped itself around me and kept me going.
It probably doesn’t make any sense, but even with a mind that’s going dark, seeing your name, seeing the kindness and love you spread throughout this community triggers something inside of me, a feeling of warmth surrounding my shivering soul.
I love you too. Here goes…. I will try the hearts…. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yaaaaaaay! Your emoji hearts worked😂😂 finally😁💖💖 all you need to remember about me is that I care and love you 💖💖 I'm holding your hand and I'm always by your side through everything 💖 even if we are a million miles apart I'm still with you💖 have you been watching your dvds lately?? Or do any work outside??
Physical mobility is very limited. Physical strength is next to nothing. A short wobble to the mailbox is exhausting, focus is not easy to maintain.
DVD’s are playing just for the noise.
I don’t know if you knew but I have been in communication with someone that claims to be my sister. I don’t know if it they really are or not but with the progression of things, I have given in and let her take charge of paperwork , appointments, transportation, trying to get things filed properly.
So far it’s all been mainly online communication I haven’t physically seen her, not that it would make any difference, I still wouldn’t remember her.
There is no rhythm or easy way for her to accomplish this overwhelming task she has taken on. With as far away as she is it would be like you trying to do the same thing for me.
So my time is spent trying to fumble around trying to find old documents online and sending them to her.
I love you too
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I did not know you were in contact with your sister. I remember a while ago you got a letter from your sister, I'm not sure if you replied. But that's a good thing💖 I hope she can do lots of great things to help you💖 and well done for accepting her help 💖 I know you like to be independent and alone, so well done 💖💖 with working outside with things I was getting really worried that you were doing to much, but know I hope you have enough little things to keep you busy💖 I've been drawing today😁 I'll let you are it when it's finished
@Tinywhisper11 hugs you tightly 💖 I love you 💖
Not sure what direction I am going in my writings today, My focus is so blurry and when I try to think of something, to focus on one thing, it is like ...... maybe trying to see something far away through a thick fog......... you think you see something on the left.....no.....maybe....then something catches your attention on the right ........ ahead maybe.......no...nothing........maybe....maaybe...... nope...
The severe fatigue, weakness so frustrating. I found out that partially numb feet is ok for when you can't hold onto anything very well and you drop a full bottle of ketchup on bare feet. I didn't feel a thing.
I will probably be meeting my sister for the first time later this month. She might be coming out to help with facilitating more of this disability stuff. I think she is driving me to an appointment or three also.
Not sure how that is going to go considering all my issues.....The anxieties alone are extreme just thinking about it....
Am I looking forward to it?.............I honestly don't know................According to her I we have been communicating since sometime in 2024, something about a back issue I had or something. Which is frustrating for me because .... well , for example , I just exchanged messages with her intermixed with my time trying to write here and what I just read from her and what I wrote back I don't remember. I would have to look at them to possibly remember a little... maybe. ,,
I am scared of the whole scenario I think,......I am a very private , secluded person. I have a panic attack if I think anyone is near my house, much less inside it. This person whom I have entrusted a lot of personal information with , and is or will be my ?medical proxy?..not sure if that is the right term or not,....I feel like I owe them something I can never repay for the time and efforts they are putting into all the paperwork and research for everything surrounding my issues and situation.
I feel like I would be wrong to deny her any request she has of me throughout this process. I realize that is not realistic but it is how I feel.
Going back through my writings here I think I mentioned something about walking away from my entire family decades ago. If that is so then is reconnecting a good idea, I obviously did so for a reason and that reason prevailed throughout decades. Can there be a realistic chance or purpose to this at this point in life? Would it be more harmful than it would be productive or fruitful?
She just told me that our ?mother? is 30 plus years older than I am. Struggling with her own things. Two other ?sisters? as well? I am the supposedly the youngest. Which means I should ......well I don't know what I should....
I feel like I am the proverbial fuel to each of their fires. That adding me to the mix would have catastrophic effects on them and their lives. The struggles they are still dealing with from childhood to now. Bringing back unwanted memories and possible traumas....
I have to take a break I think I have been trying to write this for a couple of hours now.........
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hey, it sounds like you are convinced you cannot repay. I reached a conclusion that sometimes letting someone else help us might be gift for them too. Just that.
Helping someone might be important for those who help. Then the normal math for staying even fails. It’s we’re it should fail so we can stay humane.
I hope this is the case for you.
@pinkCherry1616
Thank you for your thoughts... I will definitely consider what you are saying. it may take me a bit though, My comprehension seems to be at an all day low. I am always appreciative of anyones input/advice. I may not be smart enough to follow it but I do listen with an open heart and mind.
.............Well, my mind has become a vast wasteland of open spaces so I suppose will always have an open mind.
Thank you and have a wonderful day......
That is ok.
I know how tricky is what I shared and that it can only be true sometimes.
Sending warm thoughts. And thank you for yours 🙂