Egoism and faking love
Today mum told me I'm so self centered, that i only think about my problems and think that everyone is happy. That i don't call dad, don't spend time with brother, don't ask her how she is, don't ask if grandmas need any help. And she's right, i don't do there things. I don't think that everyone is happy, i get that people suffer. But she believes that i need to accept that like is bad, and being in pain is just normal and what everyone does, so i should too be in pain cause that's life. She said i should stop thinking about my problems and spend my time worrying about other people's problems, so i don't have time to be sad about my life. And i can call dad, but i don't care about him, i can pretend and act as if i do, but it's just a lie. So should i lie and say i love him, have a fake but great relationship with him? He would feel good about it, sure, i will feel like a liar. Should i pretend that i miss him, i don't in the slightest. And it's even worse cause I'm supposed to be grateful, i still live fully in his money and he's at war not be his choice making that money. And this makes me even more guilty to lie. He should get real gratitude and love for it. And he's getting it form mum and brother, don't think my fake love can help much. But it made mum cry talking about it, that he's there and i don't even call him, while living on his money. Like *** she thinks he deserves it, but I'm not doing it? But why did she thinks i don't? Cause i care so much about him, but don't call cause too busy thinking about myself? That makes no sense. Well it sounded like she believes I'm just egoistic, but not sure why she thinks i can fix that by faking care. I don't think she think I'm a bad person, so maybe she thinks I'm actually too busy analyzing my life that i forget about people i "love"? I can spend time with brother, she said like i can make afford to do something for him or go something for him. I don't feel like i want to. And yes, i also wish i loved my parents or family, but i don't feel a thing when he comes home after 6 month away. Or when I'm leaving my brother for a while, or when my grandma tells me how her legs hurt. They feel like colleagues or classmates. Like I'm talking to them every day for years, but like don't feel anything if they tell me they are in pain. So do i fake caring? I know it would make me like a horrible person, but would make them happy. And the happiness of 4 people seems bigger than the happiness of one, but also it's not like their whole happiness depends on me.
She seemed almost mad that i said I'm not really happy. I guess she feels like her being here should make me happy, like i have nothing to worry about. And that I'm not happy just cause I'm with her was offensive to get, and i get that. I really don't have anything bad happening in my life so she thinks I'm just ungrateful. And i should just enjoy life, but I'm stupid, so i think my silly pointless thoughts, that don't matter at all, and that's why I'm unhappy. But what i should do is just accept what i have and just be happy. My mistake, i didn't know i can just be happy
@tidyOak3807
I am sorry that you are experiencing such a dismal time in your life. It really does sound like you are depressed. One of the major problems with depression is that it suppresses other emotions. It can make a person apathetic-not able to care about much of anything. It really does cause self focused thoughts to dominate.
If others really don't understand depression they will be convinced that the depressed person is simply self absorbed and ungrateful. What they don't understand is that depression often takes away the ability of a person to perceive any reason to be grateful. It makes it very hard to sense the emotional needs of others. It also makes it hard for people to feel their own emotions. That may explain why you feel that you don't care about family members.
Your mom is right, everyone suffers, but hopefully they're not always suffering. Depression is a form of suffering, but strangely, the suffering often takes the form of not feeling much of anything. If your mom thinks that you are not suffering, I believe in that case, she's wrong.
You mentioned problems. Would you care to talk about them?
There is a negative feedback loop that's often associated with depression, but it doesn't always include the same factors. An example of such a loop would be loneliness and boredom causing depression, but at the same time the depression is causing loneliness and boredom. Other triggers for depression can be anxiety, low confidence or self-esteem, feeling overwhelmed by the expectations of others, and the list goes on.
Love frequently feels like an emotion, but it can also be a decision. For a depressed person who is having difficulty feeling, perhaps making the decision comes first. Perhaps having made that decision helps the feeling to emerge.
Something else about feelings, they can be present, even if you don't have a physical sensation of them in your body. When I was having a hard time feeling anything, I began focusing on my heart. I even placed my hand over it, and asked it how it was feeling. Doing that seemed to awaken feelings, especially towards others.
Gratitude is also something that can be a feeling and or a decision. The mind needs a bit of guidance to get the process started. For example, it may not be possible to feel grateful for all the things that others expect you to appreciate, all at once. However, it often works by starting with the little things, such as really taking notice of how a chocolate chip cookie tastes, or whatever a favorite snack is. It could be appreciating a pretty day, a pet, a day off from school or work, a warm, cozy bed, or any number of things. Gratitude really does seem to emerge from being mindful of positive things in the present moment.
Do you have access to therapy? I think it might help.
Feel free to message me.
