Feeling hollow/empty heartbreak while deperessed

Currently I am going through a rough time. I feel empty, nothing I do seems to make me happy. In the moment it does but long term I just feel that void.

In 2022, I faced homelessness, left my job had massive debt and moved cross country to be with my partner. I lost my vehicle in that trip due to a car accident that happened along the way.

Arriving I attempted looking for work while. Taking care of and doing what I can for my partner. I eventually start to work but my health turns south. I don’t have insurance as I’m in debt and moved cross country, I am constantly in joint pain or bowl pain. I attempted a job in retail that barely lasted 2 months as I had massive flare ups and relied on my partner to drive me to work. I then transitioned into a call center job that I worked for a while but was very demanding mentally and emotionally. That while working there I kept applying and interviewing for library positions since it was what I originally did before moving. I managed a positon and quit my job half a month before I started my new one due to the abuse of that environment and wanting to prepare for the new start.

I understand that seems like I am terrible and a leech, honestly I feel like I am and that I don’t deserve anything that I have or have been provided. Since I’ve been here I’ve been using my money through this time to pay off my debts as well as get food for us, give what little I made to my partner when I could towards bills. I also used all my savings to pay for dinners meals and gifts when first moving to the point I had no money and no job and even more debt for a bit.

I then started my new position and started working hard to achieve growth there and possibly full time to get health benefits. In this time I’ve grown depressed and defeated from the past failures. As I’m taking care of my partner, or think I am. I’ve been pushing them away and causing strains on the relationship. I failed to start therapy sooner, I got jealous and self isolated and self destructed my life. My partner is no longer that, they wanted to to back to being friends and I fear I’ve lost the chance at my future with them.

I’m trying my best now going through this to get help. But it just seems like no matter what improvements I make it’s not enough. I failed at giving them time and space. Constantly asking if we are ok due to my fear of being kicked out and alone and homeless again. I wanted to be their partner, someone to support them and grow old together. I was supposed to give it till the end of February till they thought about giving me another chance. But I messed up and thought it was the end of January beginning of February… so I asked how we were today and if they were ok with us. I was told as friends yes and most likely nothing more since I keep pushing into their space.

I feel so stupid and wonder what should I do. I can’t afford to move out. They’ve let me still live with them and I’ve essentially moved to the living room. I thought I’ve given them space by not bothering them and only reaching out to tell them when food was done to when I was going out…. The check ins were solely because we weren’t talking much at all and I thought I’d been forgotten. Which I guess sort of happened with the help of my nagging. I made them fall out of love with me.

Im sorry if this doesn’t fit here I just needed to write my feelings and gibberish out to hopefully feel a bit better