Feeling stuck at 23: Lost in a loop of guilt and freezing.
I'm writing this because I don’t know who else to talk to. I’m not good with words, so please bear with me. For the last two years, I’ve been struggling deeply. I used to be very ambitious and hardworking, but now at 23, I feel like I’m wasting my life and my time with my own hands.
I’m stuck in an endless loop: I eat, sleep, and watch YouTube videos all day. I have finished my higher studies and I’m supposed to be preparing for career-qualifying exams, but every time I look at my books, I freeze. I’ve started to feel like I’m losing all my basic knowledge—even simple math—and the idea of starting from zero feels impossible. My conscience tells me to move, but I just can't act on it. It’s not that I do nothing—I still bathe, wash my clothes, and clean my dishes—but those small tasks take all the energy I have.
Lately, I have developed a deep fear around communication. Whenever someone calls me—even a close friend—I get terrified and ignore the phone. Even with texting, my mind goes completely blank and I don’t know what to say. I want to open up, but I’m paralyzed by my own insecurities. I feel like I have no real skills, and I’ve never seen myself as academically intelligent. I also struggle with how I look—I feel like I don't have a good physique or appearance, and it makes me want to hide even more.
My family and relatives think that being 'street smart' and socializing with others is the only way to survive in this society. Because I am an introvert with high social anxiety, they have become very disappointed in me. They do care for me and they supported me through my higher studies, but now that I'm doing nothing, I feel their utter disappointment every day. I feel like a burden. I have zero self-esteem and I feel like I have nothing to contribute to society.
I’ve had thoughts that it would be better if I just vanished. Suicidal thoughts cross my mind often, but I have never acted on them because I am too scared, and I feel too 'lazy' or drained to even do that. I often find myself praying just to vanish naturally or to be made invisible so I don't have to exist like this anymore. I feel like my existence is worthless, like I’m just an example of a life without purpose.
All I ever wanted was a peaceful life where I could take care of my parents and help others. Now, those dreams feel like impossible daydreams. I’m just so exhausted. If you read all of this, thank you for your patience and for listening to my ramblings.
@Moonchild8922
You are going through alot.
But you are not useless or worthless.
And your life absolutely matters.
We are all just trying our best.
Navigating our way through.
I know it's hard but the longer you put things off the harder it is to change anything.
You could start small.
Go on YouTube less each day.
Get outside.
Answer a phonecall.
Start off studying by breaking it into small and manageable chunks.
It will allow you to see progress and build confidence
We all feel insecure.
But embrace who you are.
Don't let your own worse thoughts take anything else away from you 💙
It's so close to me. Sometimes I just feel that life is meaningless. I’m very good at devaluating things. For me, I’m still trying to understand what’s really important. I’m still on the search path.
I also understand that I always try to prove that I’m smart, because I was really bad at school, and I was harmless, and kids bullied me. I think this struck me a lot. Also, my father died by suicide when I was 5. I didn’t even cry at his funeral, so it shows how much I suppress my emotions.
I started studying math at the age of 25. But I also notice how much pressure I put on myself—it’s actually a lot for one person. Also, my survival mode from childhood—to tune my behavior to other people so as not to upset them—has turned my life into everyday pressure, like their feelings are more important than mine.
Now I’m trying to change my studying approach and understand what is really valuable to me. I also notice how much it improves my feelings just to show my real emotions to people around me. It’s hard for me because I don’t trust people internally. I’m going step by step to change this, and I notice how much it improves my pleasure from life.
But still, I sometimes can’t find the motivation to keep making these improvements, because it’s actually hard work—you need to go against your childhood patterns. But I think about what the next smallest harmless step I can take to change something is.
I believe that if I continue doing this self-analysis and find ways to change things, sometimes I become happy. And this progress comes thanks to my friend—he’s very tolerant with me, and we help each other.
If you want, you can write to me anytime, because everyone needs someone close to them. I hope you will be well. And thank you.
@Moonchild8922
Thank you for writing your thoughts here. We appreciate you sharing them.
The place you are at in your life sounds really difficult. It sounds to me like if your body put on a fight for too long and is refusing to continue doing it. I wish you could feel safety and belonging for a bit. So that your body could relax and stop bracing.
I think the tips in other posts are good. I wish you didn’t have to do it alone. Yes, pushing yourself to go outside and walk in a sunlight can help, diving work can help. Still, believing that there is someone rooting for you meant so much more for me. Stay with us. Reach through 1:1s if you feel like it. Let us know how it keeps going.
I am not sure if you are familiar with the words: “if you’re going through ***, keep going”. It makes so much sense to me. It’s not the place you wanna stay… and there are other places even if your mind doesn’t believe in ever reaching them.