Finding a reason to leave the house.

I am a creative person. I am a social person. I don't avoid people, I crave connection.

But I can't leave the house without feeling immense guilt, and it eats me up inside. I don't feel like I deserve to be seen. To be acknowledged. Realistically I know it isnt true, and that nobody thinks that way about me, but it is simply what my chemically imbalanced skull jello tells me.

I wish it was as simple as putting my phone down more, or picking up a new hobby, or returning to some sort of faith, but I've tried all of those things. I've gotten off of social media entirely, I do theater locally, and I was once more scorned by faith because of whom I love, and who I am.(trans man, married to a lovely lesbian.)

i want to feel normal. I want to be able to get out of bed in the morning and see a happy, bright face in the mirror ready for what the day brings. i want to be okay.

But it all feels so never ending.