Finding it hard to let go of regrets from the past.

I really don't know where to turn to, but I feel so depressed about my past actions, even if you can't change the past, I feel my actions contribute to my life now.

I'm 36 now, but some go so far.

I went from the shy awkward "weirdo" as some would call back then during my school years who never talks much to this creature full of hate, anger wanting revenge on society, 

In college I threatened to stab someone whike being bullied.

After finishing college I hacked to social media account (bebo) of some kid who was intimidating me in front of his friends, I said nasty horrible things online to him using his account and targeted everyone, former highschool and college bullies, those who made me feel inferior or like an outcast, even people I didn't know "chavs" but were friends with him, he was friends with a local drug dealer, used his and a former highschool bully's account pretending I want to buy drugs then mocking him and his girlfriend and members of gangs. 

Lot of the things I said to people were disgusting, horrible can't believe I said those words or even did those things.

It was so immature for an 18yo who just finished college to be doing that.

I feel regret, shame and guilt, and embarrassment. 

I feel that's how people will always see me.

Before I did those things, many already thought I was a bit slow in the head, and I was aware of that but couldn't do much about it, others already knew I was a weirdo, was even told many times, but I made it worse, I made myself more disliked, made myself more of a weirdo, I think I onced liked being hated.

I've been able to move on, since it was a long time ago, but sometimes it comes back, like triggers, making me feel so depressed, not wanting to eat with thoughts playing over and over again in my head.

Nobody confronted me about it, not even the police, but I think they all knew.

The local drug dealer, if he sees me, he and his girlfriend give me the evils, a scary stare until now.

The kid who's account I hacked is an adult now with a good job, no longer living the gang life, he never looks at me, but I often wonder what was I trying to achive, it was pointless and pathetic. 

His brothers even though much older than me,  and never knew them, I never targeted them, but they keep saying hi to me and look like they're laughing or smiling when they see me.

So I then start to feel guilty of what I did, his cousin was same age as me and knows me and is friendly but still, I feel ashame.

A childhood friend from primary school, he doesn't talk to me since then, well, he says hi, but I can feel he doesn't like me and often hasn't got anything to say if he sees me.

My neighbour's son didn't used to talk to me like I'm slow in the head during my school years, but he often does if forced to be around me, well it feels like his and often times I have nothing much to say to him.

Same with my former highschool teacher who was staring at me few weeks back as if he hates me or I'm some disgusting person (I didn't do anything to him) he did smile and say hi when I said hello, but I had that feeling.

I used to like him, he was always nice to me, but he and another former highschool teacher look at me like I'm some horrible idiot.

Then the triggers start.

Someone doing some carpentry for my dad's house last month said he was in school with me, he asked how I was etc. He was a nice guy, friendly, then after, when I went home, I remembered I even targeted him back then, for no reason.

Again the feelings come back.

I often don't know how to react to stares, some people do, even those I don't know or remember (it's a small town where everyone knows each other or know someone who does).

I don't know how to react to people who know me from school, I often get anxious if someone from the past starts talking to me asking what I'm up to or adding me on ***, even former highschool and college bully added me on ***. 

I can't move town, my parents are old now and I do the work for my dad and help around.

I just feel so much guilt, shame,regret feel like an idiot, there's plenty of idiot immature things I did in my early 20s too, but not as bad as this.

And I know it's all my fault and I deserve it.

As much as I can forgive myself like I forgive my former highschool bullies, I feel that I already given a bad impression to everyone and will be associated with the things I did back then.

I feel that people still remember me for the incident where I went psycho in college and when I did those things online.