Flashbacks, episodes and exam pressure
I have exams coming up, and I wasted the 3-day gap I had-I kept putting everything off, and now the exams are back-to-back.
For the past 3 days, I haven't been okay. I've been having flashbacks of my abusive parents, and it's been so hard to sleep-I stay awake until dawn cause i get those flashbacks everytime i try putting my phone down, causing bad episodes.
From the past 3 days, I've also been dealing with nervous breakdowns, anxiety, and panic attacks.
Collapsing every night on the bathroom floor at 4am. Im calling helplines today randomly, texting ppl for councellor and psychiatric referrals. I guess im relapsing back and ive to start meds again. Im exhausted by this constant fight fr survival with my so called parents. My nervous system isnt able to even tolerate their voices
@hardworkingPenguin6040
I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this. Please hear me when I say that you didn't waste those three days. What you are describing isn't procrastination, it is a severe trauma response. Your nervous system has been stuck in survival mode, and it is physically and neurologically impossible to focus on a textbook when your brain is trying to protect you from a perceived threat. You weren't being lazy; you were being overwhelmed, and I need you to stop punishing yourself for not being able to study while you were essentially fighting for your life.
Right now, please prioritize your safety and your sanity over these grades. Most schools have emergency policies for acute mental health crises. Since you are already reaching out for psychiatric referrals, maybe you will be able to get a medical deferral for these exams.
If that feels like too much work right now, please remember that a low grade can be fixed or retaken later, but your well-being cannot. Just showing up and doing the bare minimum is a massive win given the internal war you are fighting.
Since the flashbacks are worst when you put your phone down, please don't feel like you have to sit in silence. Using active distractions like a familiar audiobook or a predictable podcast to give your brain a track to follow so it doesn't default to those memories is ok. If you find yourself back on that bathroom floor, try to name five things you can see and four things you can touch right in that room to pull yourself back into the present moment.
I am so proud of you for calling those helplines. That takes an immense amount of strength when you are this exhausted. If the administrative part of finding a doctor or filling out forms feels too heavy, please allow a friend or counselor help you with the research or the emails.
You are carrying so much right now, and you don't have to do the logistics alone.
Please choose yourself over these exams. The tests will always be there, but your health is what matters most. You will get through this one step at a time.
You will decide what to do next. One idea is to draft an email to your professors. Another idea is to brainstorm a safe place where you can go to get away from your parents’ voices for a few hours.
I wonder what you will decide to do next.
@hardworkingPenguin6040
It sounds like really difficult time. The overwhelming emotions and anxiety. I which you could feel safer.
Not sure if it would be available for you but did you try melatonin for sleep? Per what I understand even 0.2mg is enough and most of the available options are overdoing it. I usually choose the kid ones and even take half of them.
Obviously, this would not solve your underlying problems. Still, not getting a good sleep is likely making things much worse for your mind now.
