For self healing for myself

My parents came for a few days for the festival, and then left again today. During their stay, I had mixed feelings. Part of me wanted to keep some distance, because I didn’t want to feel too attached and then hurt when they left. But another part of me still wanted to be close to them. At night, I ended up sleeping with my siblings and my mom on the floor, and it gave me a small sense of comfort.

I also spent time with my little brother, making him laugh. That made me happy because at least he could feel joy, even when things were stressful. But deep down, I sometimes feel like I’m invisible in my family. I didn’t even say a proper goodbye when they left, and now I feel guilty for that.

Maybe I protect myself by staying quiet and distant, but inside I still crave love and closeness. I don’t know if what I did was right or wrong, good or bad. I just know I tried my best in the moment. I guess I’m still learning how to balance distance and closeness with the people I love.

Also Do you think it's bad or good signs for the fact that I go through this? Like, whenever I try to love myself, feel for myself, since I have so much hatred for myself, my own voice, my own appearance, my own existence. So, I'm trying to come... I'm wondering right now, why does every time when I try to love myself, when I'm in that so good moment, trying to love, trying for, like, your own voice, I used to hate my own appearance, voice, existence, and now I'm slowly starting to acknowledge it, because every life is precious, you know? You know? Anyway, so whenever I'm in that kind of moment, sometimes my brain just triggers all the past bad memories that my brain had kept away from me, like self-defense. So, it just comes all over, all those bad, bad memories, and I question myself, why did I even bother to do this?