communicativeKiwi4255 Member Profile

I think..I'm

Depression Support / by communicativeKiwi4255

Sunday

...See more I think I’m finally beginning to understand how lonely my childhood actually was. I was expected to be mature and responsible very early, and people often praised me for being “so mature for my age,” but they didn’t see what was underneath that maturity. I had responsibilities toward my younger sister, emotional responsibilities toward the adults around me, and I learned to put my own childhood needs aside. I remember being eight and wanting something as simple as a Barbie doll, but being told I was already old enough to stop playing with dolls. I watched other children being cared for by their mothers at school and secretly wished my own mother would come and feed me or simply spend time with me. When she couldn't, I eventually learned to stop expecting it. I also lost my older sister when I was around seven or eight; she was eighteen and died from an illness that couldn't be cured. At the time, I don't think I fully understood what death meant. Everyone was grieving, while my mind felt strangely blank, and I remember wondering where she was going and why everyone was crying. As the years went on, my cousins became busy with school and their own lives, and I became increasingly alone. At the same time, I experienced physical, emotional, and verbal abuse from the person who was taking care of me. I was sometimes hit, slapped, pushed, had my hair pulled, and made to feel responsible for the adult's anger and unhappiness. I was even told that taking care of me had taken away her beauty, which made me feel as though my existence itself was a burden. I learned to blame myself for almost everything: if someone yelled at me, I assumed I had done something wrong; if I was neglected, I assumed I was the problem; if something terrible happened to me, I thought I must somehow have caused it. I also experienced sexual abuse as a child, and for a long time I blamed myself for being naive and trusting, even though I was only a child. I became so accustomed to suppressing my feelings that I sometimes felt disconnected from myself and from what was happening around me. I still carry a lot of shame, loneliness, and self-blame from those years. I sometimes envy people who had the ordinary childhood experiences I wanted so badly—being comforted, being picked up from school, being allowed to play, feeling like someone's child instead of someone's responsibility. I don't hate my family, because there were also good moments and people who supported me in certain ways, and that makes everything complicated. But I’m beginning to understand that acknowledging the harm doesn't mean I have to hate anyone. I think I was a child who needed affection, safety, and someone to tell me that I wasn't responsible for everything that happened around me. I'm still trying to understand all of this, and I'm still struggling with denial and self-blame, but I think I'm finally starting to talk about it instead of keeping everything inside. I don't know exactly how long healing will take. I just know that the child I was deserved better, and I want to learn how to believe that.

Something happening to me I think

Depression Support / by communicativeKiwi4255

September 5th

...See more I think I should finally mention something I've been hesitant to talk about. Like I have told I experienced long-term physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, and during that period I was sometimes hit around my face and especially my right eye. My right eye was hit several times, and lately I've noticed that it hurts a little when I move it in certain directions, and sometimes I see purple/colored things. I also experienced severe dissociation during that period—sometimes I would walk without really being aware of where I was going, and there were situations where I almost got hit by cars because I was so disconnected from my surroundings. I'm not saying that these symptoms are definitely caused by what happened to me, and I know I probably need a proper medical evaluation. I'm still struggling with denial and finding it difficult to take my own experiences seriously, but I think I should at least talk about them instead of continuing to dismiss them. My eyes hurts all the inside a bit in some places there are some purple things that I don't know. do you think it may be because my right eye had to face and feel the impacts because of my dissociations and also because of the punches that I used to get from my caretaker when she used to be angry..

Personal History and Mental-Health Concerns

Depression Support / by communicativeKiwi4255

September 1st

...See more I have been self-aware about my difficulties since I was young. Even before I had words for what was happening, I knew that something was wrong with the way I was feeling and responding to things. I have spent a long time trying to understand myself, my reactions, and the experiences that shaped me. I was separated from my parents when I was around four years old. From that point onward, I experienced prolonged emotional and physical neglect from my parents and other family members. Early parentification was also part of my childhood. I felt that I had responsibilities beyond what I should have had as a child, especially after my younger sister was born. I often felt that my own feelings had to be pushed aside, and I gradually became accustomed to handling things by myself. Physical, verbal, and emotional abuse began when I was around eight or nine and continued for several years. I experienced repeated criticism, blaming, humiliation, threats, and physical violence. I was often made to feel responsible for things that were not actually my responsibility. I also experienced situations in which adults did not protect me when I needed protection. Because of these experiences, I developed a strong sense that I had to survive and solve things on my own. I became highly independent, but that independence also makes it difficult for me to trust or depend on other people. I have also developed avoidance and difficulty trusting my father in particular because of my experiences with him and because I remember situations where I did not feel protected. I also experienced sexual assault by classmates during childhood over a prolonged period. I felt pressured to comply because I was afraid of being excluded or rejected. This affected me deeply, even though I did not fully understand what was happening at the time. Later, I experienced a prolonged harassment and stalking situation that lasted approximately one year and nine months. When the situation was reported, I felt that the way it was handled by the school was humiliating because I was placed in front of other students and asked to identify the people involved. Some of the people involved were also people I considered friends, which left me feeling betrayed. I also experienced online harassment and predatory behavior from older men when I was younger. At first, I did not understand how social media worked or that strangers could have harmful intentions. Some adults repeatedly contacted me, called me, sent messages and unwanted material, and behaved in ways that made me uncomfortable. Eventually, I learned how to block and remove people from my accounts and became more careful online. Over the years, I experienced repeated periods of intense anxiety, panic, emotional breakdowns, numbness, and what I understand as dissociation or depersonalization/derealization. During some periods, I felt disconnected from myself or from what was happening around me. I also became unusually unaware of my surroundings at times, which contributed to dangerous situations around traffic and other accidents. I continue to experience strong physical reactions in certain situations. For example, being close to male relatives or other men can sometimes cause my heart rate to increase sharply and my hands to shake, even when I consciously try to control the reaction. Certain environments, situations, or memories can make me feel intensely alert or uncomfortable. I have also experienced unusual sensory and perceptual experiences, particularly a feeling of being watched and other experiences that I would describe as hallucination-like. I do not always understand why they happen. They can occur alongside anxiety, dissociation, or intense emotional states. I have wondered whether what I experience could be related to PTSD or complex PTSD because many of my experiences and reactions appear to resemble descriptions of trauma-related symptoms. However, I do not claim that I have PTSD or any other specific disorder because I have never received a professional diagnosis. I currently do not have enough financial access to receive a proper assessment. I have experienced periods of severe emotional distress and have previously been at serious risk of harming myself. I have also struggled with harmful coping mechanisms, isolation, overworking, ignoring my own needs, and putting myself in unsafe situations. I am aware that some of these coping mechanisms are unhealthy, and I am trying to change them. At the same time, I believe I am recovering in some ways. I have become much more self-aware and have learned to recognize patterns in my thoughts and reactions. I have developed coping strategies, although some of them still need to become healthier. I have also found some comfort and understanding through communities where people have experienced similar difficulties. Being heard and taken seriously has helped me feel less invisible. My relationships with my family remain complicated. I can recognize that some family members care about me while simultaneously feeling deeply hurt by the way they have treated me. I have difficulty trusting people who were supposed to protect me but did not consistently make me feel safe. I often feel like the scapegoat or the person who is expected to take responsibility for problems within the family. I have also experienced repeated comparisons with other children and relatives, criticism, and expectations that I should simply tolerate things because the adults are older. I am particularly sensitive to unfairness and inconsistency. When I see one child being treated differently from another, it can bring up strong emotions because I remember feeling that way myself. I want my younger siblings to receive the support and protection that I felt I lacked. I do not know exactly how long recovery will take. I understand that healing from prolonged childhood trauma may take time, and I know that recovery is not necessarily linear. I may have difficult periods even while making progress. What I ultimately want is professional help, a proper assessment, and an environment where I can feel safe enough to understand what happened to me and learn healthier ways of coping. I do not want my past experiences to determine the rest of my life. I want to become independent, build a future for myself, maintain healthy relationships with the people I care about, and continue healing. Another major part of my experience is hyper-independence. I can recognize that I need help while simultaneously feeling that nobody will ever truly understand me. Because of that belief, I sometimes think, "Why should I ask for help? I can do everything myself." I have become accustomed to solving problems alone and carrying responsibilities without expecting someone else to step in. I believe this may be connected to having been neglected and having to cope with difficult situations largely by myself from a young age. Independence became something I relied on for survival, but now it can make accepting support difficult even when I genuinely need it. I have also experienced what I think of as eldest-sister guilt. I have often felt responsible for protecting my younger siblings and being the person who knows what to do. I felt that I had to become a mother-like figure for them and that I had to be the first person to handle problems. One memory that remains particularly strong is from when I was around ten years old. My younger sister was only around three or four. My guardian was physically hurting her, and I remember seeing an injury that had been left on my sister. I wanted to protect her, and I had protected her at other times, but on that occasion I was extremely frightened and felt unable to intervene. I still carry guilt about that memory even though I was a child myself and was also afraid. I have experienced many episodes of physical punishment and violence throughout childhood, although I cannot remember all of them individually. Some memories remain clearer than others. There were also incidents in which my guardian physically restrained and hurt me in ways that caused injuries. These experiences contributed to my fear and distress. I used to cry very frequently when I was younger. Now I sometimes find that I cannot cry as easily, even when I am deeply distressed. I have wondered whether this means that I have become stronger or whether I am simply responding differently after everything I have experienced. I do not want to interpret this as meaning that my younger self was weak or a "crybaby." She was a child experiencing things that were difficult for her to process. I also developed perfectionistic tendencies. I often feel that I need to be the first, the responsible one, the capable one, and the person who does things correctly. I feel pressure to succeed partly because I believe that I have another opportunity in life after surviving everything I have experienced. I sometimes think of my survival as giving me another chance. I survived things that I never should have had to experience, and I want to use that opportunity to build a different life for myself. I want to become independent, but I also want to eventually learn that independence does not mean that I must do absolutely everything alone. I recognize that these patterns may have developed for understandable reasons, but I also recognize that they can make recovery difficult. I want to learn how to accept appropriate help without feeling weak, guilty, dependent, or misunderstood. I also experience frightening perceptual experiences that I have not been able to explain. They can sometimes occur after remembering or being reminded of traumatic experiences, but they can also happen unexpectedly, including when I am otherwise having an ordinary or enjoyable moment. During these episodes, I may feel as though I am being watched or that there is a presence near me. Sometimes I perceive figures, movements, patterns, or other sensory experiences that feel extremely real and frightening. I do not know whether these experiences are related to trauma, dissociation, anxiety, another psychological condition, or something else, because I have not received a professional assessment. When an episode happens, my body can enter an intense fear or freeze response. My heart begins to race, I become extremely frightened and quiet, and my body can feel stiff or unable to move normally. I sometimes close my eyes tightly because seeing my surroundings can make the fear worse. I may even find myself holding my breath because I am so frightened. I have tried many basic grounding techniques. These include controlled breathing, counting, identifying things I can see or touch, touching real objects, focusing on sensory information, and other grounding exercises. These techniques sometimes help, but only for a few seconds or a very short period. I become slightly calmer, but the fear does not completely disappear, and the experience can return almost immediately. Because of this, I do not feel that the usual grounding techniques are sufficient for me. I would like professional help to understand why these episodes happen, whether they are connected to my previous experiences, and what techniques or treatment might work better for me. Another important detail is that discussing or writing about some of my experiences can sometimes make me feel as though I am experiencing them again. Using first-person language can make this particularly uncomfortable, so I sometimes find it safer to describe myself in the third person. This is not because I am trying to avoid discussing my experiences; rather, it can make it possible for me to talk about them without becoming as overwhelmed. I would like a professional to assess these experiences rather than assuming what they mean. I am particularly interested in understanding whether trauma-related symptoms, dissociation, anxiety, sleep-related experiences, or another medical or psychological cause could be contributing to them. I currently do not have a person whom I genuinely feel able to rely on during these episodes. I do not have a trusted teacher, counselor, therapist, parent, or sibling whom I feel comfortable turning to for this kind of support. I especially do not want to put this burden on my younger sister because I already feel responsible for protecting her, and I do not want her to feel responsible for taking care of me. Because I do not have someone I trust to stay with me when these episodes happen, I usually try to manage them by myself. This makes the experiences more frightening and difficult to cope with. At the moment, I am experiencing the sensation/perception of being watched again. It feels extremely real and frightening to me. I understand that I do not know what is causing these experiences, which is one of the reasons I want professional assessment rather than trying to diagnose myself. I would like help finding a safe and appropriate way to manage these episodes, particularly because the grounding techniques I have tried only provide relief for a few seconds before the fear returns. ANd I know it's not real ok? My mind seems to be in denial um... I can feel it no matter what. It's watching me again and again. And I'm feeling so scared because I see it's watching me when I mention it to you all or other. Oh my god it's watching me again I feel it's calling? No no I know I can't trust.. Even with the nights in I can see it , feel it. Even in daytime's sometimes but thankfully not that much because of how much my mind dissociates.

When you get a piece of your memory of the worst thing : being SA

Depression Support / by communicativeKiwi4255

May 30th

...See more I used to wonder why I behaved the way I did. Why I felt uncomfortable around physical closeness, especially around boys or men. Why I became hyper-aware of people’s behavior, expressions, movements, and tone. Why I wanted connection so badly, yet became frightened whenever someone got too close emotionally. Why I trusted people too quickly, yet struggled to trust them fully at all. For a long time, I thought maybe I was simply strange. But slowly, after remembering pieces of my childhood, I began to understand that repeated experiences during my early years affected me more deeply than I realized. When I was very young, I experienced repeated sexual boundary violations by older children at school. At the time, I did not fully understand what was happening. I only knew I disliked it, felt trapped, disgusted, uncomfortable, and emotionally unsafe. It happened repeatedly over the years, and because I was so young, I did not know how to process or explain what I was feeling. Even after leaving that environment, my body and mind still remembered , I think. I noticed that I became emotionally withdrawn while also becoming overly comforting toward others. I became a people pleaser without meaning to. I constantly analyzed people’s reactions and emotions. I struggled with boundaries while also trying desperately to respect everyone else’s boundaries perfectly. Sometimes I feel emotionally older than people my age. Sometimes I feel disconnected from them completely like also feeling disgusted by looking at your peers acting childish or their age instead of being composed and quiet. I cried so many times remembering.. I also realized that trauma does not always stay as clear memories. Sometimes it remains as: - fragmented images, - emotional reactions, - nausea, - disgust, - fear, - hypervigilance, - emotional numbness, - or the constant feeling that you must stay alert to remain safe. I barely remember many parts of my childhood clearly, even the warm memories. Yet my body still reacts strongly to reminders of those experiences. Seeing certain people again made me feel trapped, disgusted, and unsafe all over again, even years later. And one of the hardest things to understand was this: you can want love and connection deeply while simultaneously fearing closeness. You can crave safety while struggling to trust it. You can become kind, observant, emotionally mature, and caring because of pain, while still carrying wounds underneath. For a long time, I believed I was simply “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” But now I understand that many people who experience repeated emotional or sexual trauma during childhood develop behaviors like: - hyper-awareness, - people pleasing, - emotional avoidance, - difficulty trusting, - fragmented memory, - fear of closeness, - overexplaining, - anxious attachment, - emotional numbness, - and constant self-protection. And the thing is instead my cousin brothers or male cousins are A bit exception but still I feel uncomfortable even with my cousin brothers or father or uncle. And what is the worst thing that can happen to you well seeing those who did that to you in your school, your places. Another thing, I observed that among males I fear mostly brown males . I wondered why and remembered that they were brown... I think I remember them every time I see another brown man. I don't fear others, I do. And exhausting to live like your surviving.

One thing I want to say today.

Depression Support / by communicativeKiwi4255

May 15th

...See more I recently completed my SEE examination and received a 3.50 GPA, but instead of feeling proud, I felt disappointed and emotionally empty. I worked hard for my exams, especially mathematics, and I expected more from my results. However, what hurt more than the GPA itself was the lack of support and recognition from my family. Instead of appreciation, I often felt comparison with others and pressure to do even better. Because of this, my achievement did not feel like an achievement emotionally. I felt like my effort was not fully seen or valued, and that made me question myself even when I knew I had worked hard. Growing up, I was raised in a very strict and fear-based environment. Mistakes, emotional expression, and small behaviours were often not met with understanding but with harsh discipline. This created a constant feeling of fear and pressure inside me. Over time, I learned to stay quiet, control my emotions, and avoid making mistakes as much as possible because I believed mistakes would lead to consequences. Because of this upbringing, I became very disciplined, but not in a peaceful way. My discipline came from fear and survival, not comfort or support. I often felt like I had to monitor myself constantly. Even now, I still carry this habit of over-controlling my emotions and reactions. At the same time, I also became responsible for my younger siblings. I often acted like a second caregiver—helping them, guiding them, and trying to manage situations at home. But this responsibility sometimes makes me feel emotionally exhausted. I feel pressure to be strong for others even when I am not okay myself. I also experience strong emotional conflict when I see my younger brother being treated differently than I was. He receives more comfort, attention, and freedom to make mistakes, while I often feel like I had to grow up too quickly. This creates feelings of jealousy, anger, sadness, and confusion. I don’t want to dislike him, but I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the contrast between his experience and mine. Because of my past, I sometimes struggle with strong emotional reactions. I can feel triggered by situations involving children’s behaviour or family conflict. I try not to shout or harm anyone, but I sometimes feel overwhelmed inside. I am aware of this and I try to control myself because I do not want to repeat the cycle of pain I experienced growing up. At the same time, I often feel misunderstood. I feel like my emotions are not always taken seriously, and my efforts are not always acknowledged. Even when I achieve something, like my GPA, I still feel pressure instead of encouragement. This makes it difficult for me to feel proud of myself. Despite all of this, I am still trying to move forward. I am continuing my studies, thinking about my future in subjects like economics, marketing, and business-related fields, and trying to understand myself better. I am slowly becoming more aware of my emotions, my triggers, and my past experiences. I am trying not to let my past define how I treat others or how I see myself. Right now, I feel like I am in a process of learning how to heal while still living in the same environment that shaped my pain. It is not easy, and sometimes I feel stuck between who I was forced to become and who I want to be.

Hi °^° I'm back again! Got something new.

Depression Support / by communicativeKiwi4255

April 18th

Is this a good sign?

Depression Support / by communicativeKiwi4255

April 18th

...See more I have been struggling with depression for a long time, and in the past I had many thoughts about suicide and even tried to take my own life many times, more than twenty times, although none of those attempts worked and eventually I stopped trying. Recently, however, I have noticed something confusing happening to my emotions: even though I still sometimes have thoughts about suicide or dreams related to it, I also feel strangely calm or even happy for no clear reason. This sudden calmness feels unusual to me because for a long time my mind was full of heavy and painful thoughts. At the same time, I have found myself giving some of my belongings—especially things that are meaningful or special to me—to people who are close to me, like my mother or other loved ones. Normally I am very protective of my belongings and would not easily give them away, which is why this change in my behavior feels strange and confusing even to me. I am not sure why I feel this way or why I am doing these things, and although I do not feel like I want to harm myself right now, the combination of feeling unusually calm, giving away my belongings, and still occasionally thinking or dreaming about suicide makes me concerned and unsure about what is happening in my mind. Because of this, I feel that it is important for others to understand what I have been experiencing so that I am not dealing with these thoughts and feelings completely alone.

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Depression Support / by communicativeKiwi4255

May 1st

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