Hate myself...

This is the first time for me here... And before anyone might worry that I'm suicidal or anything. I'm not and I never will be. I didn't know who or where to share this with as I'm just lost and confused so I just decided to write it here for whoever reads it.

I'm tired, sad, lonely, exhausted, depressed, I don't sleep well, I overeat or don't eat at all no in between, I have anxiety, panic attacks, but most importantly I'm scared... Scared of ending up alone even after everything I did to prevent that. I was the perfect friend, the perfect listener, I did my best to always put my friends and family needs before mine. The result? Emptiness... The conversation is always about their problems and I kept everything in me. Time and time again until I just couldn't do it anymore. Now I just pretend everything is okay and they believe me. I'm exhausted and I can't talk to anyone anymore specially not them... It's just too late for that I don't really trust neither my friends nor my damily anymore. I love them but I can't share anything with them anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore...

I lost my father 5 years ago and everything has been downhill ever since. I had to be strong for my mother and my brother and I kept it together for a while till they got way better. And I stayed in that same place waiting... Just waiting... Then in my 2nd year in college I met someone who I believed with everything in my heart that she is the one...? I guess because I wanted to believe... And a year later she shattered my heart and to this day I don't even know why or what was the reason... Everything kept piling up on me one after the other. I felt like the whole world was against me and I just can't take it anymore... Everyone I stood by now are doing fine and I'm left here all alone. I feel like I betrayed my ownself like I deserve what's happening because I never put myself first... Maybe I should have been selfish or maybe I should have done things differently... I don't know and I will never know because it's too late for that.

I want to be happy and more importantly feel at peace I truly do, but what can I do? My once kind heart is now full of anger, saddness and hatred. I wish I never existed to begin with. I wish... I just wish things were different...

I'm sorry for the long read. Whoever did read it... Thank you truly. I know it's depressing but I don't where else to go.