Having a hard time

My husband told me a little over a month ago that he wants to end our marriage. I’m currently 39 weeks pregnant with our only child and he’s going to be here any day now. Things have been really emotional and stressful since the falling out with my husband. For the last few weeks I’ve been trying to keep myself together and create a little sense of a normal routine in the house similar to before we broke up. But the last few nights have been hard.

I sleep alone now and it’s been hard for me. I have bad dreams and I wake up to look for my husband for support and realize he’s not there. It crushes me every time. Last night I just didn’t want to sleep. I stayed up till 7 in the morning just crying and writing in my journal. I just feel so alone.

I tried to reach out to my husband for some comfort this morning and to just be honest about my feelings which is really hard for me to do. He just said the same thing he’s been saying, that he isn’t meaning to hurt me but this is for the best. For us and our baby. That just wasn’t what I was looking for. I feel so starved for affection and comfort. I feel so sad and so angry all at the same time.

A new year starts tomorrow and I’m so afraid of what it’s going to bring. I keep trying to stay positive and think about how amazing it will be to have my son but the thought of all the lonely days and nights, all the family traditions I wanted to start never happening, and the eventual day when my husband officially leaves the house is all so overwhelming. It’s so hard to focus on the positives when there’s so much uncertainty and sadness. I keep hoping my husband will change his mind and want to keep our little family together but I’m also trying not get my hopes up too high.

I feel like him leaving is him being so selfish but I also feel like trying to keep him here is so selfish on my part. It’s hard to navigate when we both want different things. I don’t know what the right choice is and I feel like either just causes pain to one of us. What the best choice for our son really is. I’m worried about how this will make him feel as he grows up since this is what my childhood was like and I know how it affected me.

I guess I’m posting this here cause I’m in need of some kind word and to know I’m not alone. None of our friends or family know about us splitting up so I don’t have anyone to talk to about it other than my therapist. Thank you to anyone who reads this.