Hi, New to 7cups (Lousy Introduction?)

Hi everyone. I am a new member on here and I struggle with depression and self harm (sometimes). I have ocd too and have frequent outbursts, I hate that truly.

I am Wisteria,

I try to be happy and forget my suffering everyday and not feel the pain bu burying it under a castle of sand. But the sea waves dont stop nor does depression support a disguise of a normal happy person.

I cant forget pain I cant forget no matter how much I try everyday. I often jave been able to fool myself into believing that I am ok and happy, but that is only me being distracted, not healed.

This year, since 31st December and many days in January and even one or two days in the recent past months I have been not able to hold myself back from self harm even after being clean for half a year maybe before and before that I was clean for two years.

I hope I can either float on the sea waves or drown in the sea peacefully. I really wonder if the pure darkness has any soft light like the blue hour of a beautiful and soft dawn.

I am bad at putting my thoughts ro words not that I want to even voluntarily think of the bad and intrusive thoughts.

Take care all, have a good day or night. Bye.